The Big Sick: The Immigrant American Romance

A Time for Review

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One of the most enjoyable parts of long-distance plane rides is the self-coercion to watch films that I would never be interested in otherwise or never previously had a deep motivation to watch. I'm a big zombie/horror and sci-fi fan and although I enjoy sappy romances from time to time, I never really have a chance to fit them into my daily life (kicks, punches, and screams are easy to stream while working for me).

So on the recent flight to Korea, a movie that I instantly recognized popped up on my personal screen – The Big Sick. I've good things here and there about the film and I was already a fan of actor Kumail Nanjiani from the ridiculous but anxiously apt show Silicon Valley. Kumail basically plays himself in the film (and from what it seems in ending credits, the plot is almost completely personal)– a Pakistani 1.5 generation immigrant who pursues a long-winding career in the entertainment industry and falls in love with an American white woman.

A number of things happen in the movie and will neither spoil nor do any review of the technical aspects of the movie. What I did find to be very noteworthy was the emphasis on cultural divides between immigrant or 2nd-generation Americans (children of immigrants) and long-rooted/ethnically indistinguishable Americans. Romance movies are typically Ben Affleck and Jennifer Aniston or Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence, not white and brown.

Now to be clear, I'm a firm opponent against race-based metrics and the catchphrase thinking such as “there needs to be more balanced/equal/equitable representation of identities,” especially when it comes to Hollywood. Choices are choices and by and large, there are less Asians in Hollywood because 1. the history of Asians in America is too short to broaden towards more “luxury” occupations and 2. Asian parents/families almost unanimously dissuade their children from these professions. We can clarify and discuss these issues at another time.

What is super interesting with this specific example of mixed-ethnic relationships is the cultural opportunity to tell another story. Romance is not all the same and culture plays an enormous role, like it or not, in the relationship-building journey between two loved ones. In the case of this movie, Kumail is the 2nd son (the 1st being already married) of two Pakistani nationals who married under arrangement. They in turn expect Kumail to be set up with a 'nice young lady' as well, obviously with expectations that the lady will be Pakistani both physically and culturally.

• Source: Eater

Racial relations have become a bit of a taboo to even talk about in America and unless we're talking on the subject of victimhood/oppression, we blindly and broadly treat everyone as equal. Discussion otherwise treads into what feels like judgement and stereotyping. This is utter nonsense to me and to the contrary, I believe not factoring in ethnicity, race, and correlations in culture do more harm in many instances. Some races are more prone to certain diseases by factor of historical and locational genetics. Some ethnicities tend to make generally different life decisions due to differing undercurrents of religion, familial structure, and social norms. To purposely act 'colorblind' is an unproductive and sometimes actively harmful position.

And so the movie reveals something we don't talk about – the factors of race, ethnicity, and culture in love.

Dual Identities, Not 50/50

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Kumail is more blatant example of this. Without a doubt, the concept of arranged marriages, which persists in America through several ethnicities and religious structures, is fundamentally at odds with personal freedom. Most ethnic Americans see arrangement as akin to servitude, inherently patriarchal, and in general just simply below the standard of American individuality. This again prevents fair discussion on the topic of love.

• Source: Mogul

To throw it out there as a counterpoint (just for the sake of pure mind-boggling purposes), arranged marriages tend to have much lower divorce rates, markedly higher rates of happiness, and maintain nuclear family structures worldwide compared to 'choice' marriages. I would also argue that Americans indulge in pseudo-forms of arrangement such as dating apps in Coffee-Meets-Bagel's referral/preference structure and... J-Swipe. Anyway, back to the topic.

The clear-cut divide between arranged vs. choice marriages is just a surface-level example. Numerous other conditions factor in when two people try to marry in many countries. This is where things get tricky and the background of culture is overwhelmingly complex.

When it comes to 'immigrant families' in the US, children are labeled with a 2-part identity i.e. Korean-American, Chinese-American, Asian-American. This implies that there is some even divide in their daily life – Speak english at school, mother tongue at home // Eat pizza with the soccer team, eat rice at the dinner table // Michelle with friends, Mikyung with family. All like two sides of the same coin.

• Source: New American Economy

But the reality is messier, much like what happens when the two loaves respectively holding peanut-butter and jelly collide. There is a deep negotiation that needs to occur between both halves to maintain sanity in mainstream world. Kumail's in this case was the impossible situation of being deeply in love with someone but not being able to betray family expectations. The same negotiations occur with language, food, friendships, hobbies, and overall self-identity.

So?

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I thought the movie did an earnest job in tying this ongoing negotation throughout the movie. Kumail's encounters with the arranged women, his parents, his married brother, and his girlfriend were laced with ethnic friction. There was never any clear-cut solution. The film makes you appreciate that it isn't as simple to say “marry who you love” and that cliched love obstacles are not just considerations of timing and personality, instead some really heavy cultural factors.

• Source: People

From a personal point of view, I gleaned a number of sympathetic notions. Korea as a nation doesn't follow a strict relationship doctrine as in other Asian and Middle-eastern countries, but dominant relationship structures do exist and any Korean national can attest to the idea that young men and women are not fully in control with who they marry or meet. I see my friends around me who were born to Korean parents choose diverse options (Korean-American with Korean-American, Korean-American with Korean-National, Korean-American with Foreign-American, Korean-National with Foreign-American) and face noteworthy obstacles.

It was refreshing to see that conundrum break open for everyone to see.

As always, let me know what you think!