How (not) To Write Your First Blog

“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be”
Kurt Vonnegut

Firstly, I’d like to congratulate you on making the decision to read this blog post. You should be proud of yourself. Trust me, I’m as nervous as you are about this. Oh? You’re not nervous at all? I see. Carry on, you say? Of course.

I’ve been racking my brain for weeks now about what to write my first proper blog post about. “Should I be serious?”, “What should the overall theme be”, “Why is the cat looking at me like that?” etc. So I decided to pull a Kaufman and write about me writing about my first blog and maybe give you guys a few tips on how (not) to go about it. I’ve broken it down into a few simple steps because lists are good for Search Engine Optimisation (SEO). See?! A tip right here in the preamble. Gosh, you’re lucky. Some of the steps are broken down further into mini lists; we’ll call them listicles because it’s a fun word to say and it sounds like.....tickles.

Daydream
I wonder what the badgers are doing right now.

This is a good one, guys. If you really (don’t) want to get that first post out quickly, keep that beautiful head of yours in the clouds. Fantasise about all the praise you'll receive when people read your deep, philosophical meanderings. Make sure you do this in public so someone will see your smug look of self-satisfaction as you inhale another witty quip in the form of a brain fart. They’ll be super jealous of you.

Get a good notebook
"You will write to me, won't you?" "Neigh"

-Buy a Moleskine (with money you don’t have) with the sincere intention of jotting down any ideas that come to you.

-Buy one that’s compact so that you have it with you when inspiration strikes. This is especially important when you go to that cafe with the cute waitress. She’ll be really impressed by your big brains. This will, however, cause her to stare at you curiously, resulting in another below-par macchiato, but you don’t care because she smiled at you that one time.

-Never bring the notebook anywhere. Leave it in the kitchen and stare at it for 3 seconds every time you enter the room. Make sure to imagine it passive aggressively judging you...be passive aggressive back. Over time the problem will resolve itself.

-When the problem eventually doesn’t resolve itself, admit that you were foolish to treat it in such a way and carry on with whatever you weren't doing......drawing a bog, or something?

Procrastinate
Light Graffiti: A form of self-expression and/or procrastination. In this instance you may include narcissism.

Put off starting the blog enough times so that your ideas and/or theme become so incoherent that you loose all confidence and sense of self-worth. Do whatever you can to take your mind off the job at hand. Be sure to marinade in this for at least 3-4 weeks. You will emerge from this process extra salty.

Photos
Charlie: Cute and fluffy. Not a cat.

-Take some pretty pictures of your work-space to create a highly romanticised view of the sheer torture you’re putting yourself through. Or don't because it's 1:00 AM and you don't feel like tidying.

-Add a cat. The internet loves cats. I've added a dog because I'm edgy and this particular dog is cute and fluffy, so it's the next best thing.

-The photos must have a consistent aesthetic and theme i.e. tell a story. If they don't, write a list, and try to come up with points where you can add a relevant photo. People will be too distracted by all the easy to digest pointiness to notice that you lack the ability to create a story of any real substance.

-When taking the photos of yourself for your public profile, try to convey your sense of self-worth and confidence.
Confidence

Thanks for reading, my peeps. Hope you enjoyed.