Responsibilities of fathers and the burden of single mothers

There is this general saying in Nigeria that 'to be a man is not a day job'. Now the female folks can actually question what i am about to write depending on their experiences but they should not look too far to discredit the importance of men!

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I was born into a polygamous home where their is a constant rivalry on who will get a male child first of not between the women. My mom happens to be the second wife (How she agreed to marry an already married man beats my imagination!). While the first wife had a male as her first born, my mom had a female! 

In Africa, the importance placed on the male child is beyond my rational thinking. I still don't know whether it is because of the 'surname' or because of inheritance. But in this part of the world, the male child is important.

The first wife gave birth to a female as second then male again as third while my mom is yet to conceive a son as her first child is a female. Finally, her 'prayer' was answered as she conceived a male child and finally gave birth to me. I was ironically given a name: 'jedalo' (Juwon) which means God is greater and mightier than human beings. 

The name, according to my mom, was given to me because the first wife said nobody will have a male son for my dad except her.

Few years after i was born, my parent separated! I was four years old when my mom moved out of my dad's house due to 'domestic violence'! This woman started taking of me and my two sisters! She trained us from primary to secondary school levels!

My elder sister chose to marry to relive my mom of some burdens @ 24 years old. Then, i was contemplating what to do with my life. I knew the only option i had then was to go to the University. I had this archaic believe that without education, i can never be successful. Do not blame me though because in this part of the world, we have two classes: the educated and the illiterate. You either belong to the former and be recognized in the society or belong to the latter and be 'slaves' to those younger than you.

I was fortunate to meet some great people who saw me as a project and guided me (Read more here). The only thing they kept saying was 'go to school'. After 5 years at home, i was offered admission to study Philosophy at Lagos State University. Then, my street brothers language changed. They started shouting: 'Do not leave school with anything less than 2.1'!!!! You might be wondering and asking 'who 2.1 epp' (in Olamide - Badoo's voice). In this part of the world once again, grades not brain matters! Your grade is considered first before your brain. To be selected for written test or interview, you must have minimum of 2.1 (Second Class Upper). Not only that my friends, this 2.1 also has sub-divisions! We know that the 2.1 of 5.0 CGPA starts from 3.5 GP but here, the employers go as far as stating that those with 3.8 GP and above are needed for the recruitment.

This is why many run the race of grades rather than to read and understand. In schools, it is always a race among the 'best' students in the class. No one wants to teach you what they know because they believe it will be the decider of the grade like a penalty shootout in football.

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I went home to tell my mom that i have been offered admission. My mom exclaim: Where do i get the money? This was a woman selling onions, 'maggi', salt, sugar, on the street of Abule Oja market in Bariga - Shomolu, Lagos. My school fees then was 35,000 naira (less than 100 SBD)! I guess you are shocked! But that was the reality on ground then. We could not, i mean my mom could not afford that money.

Do not forget that it is not only the school fees that she needed to worry about! She also needs to worry about handouts, my feeding, hostel to sleep, clothing and many other stuffs. These things compounded the fear in her and she started thinking. My mom sold so many cloths just to feed me and my sisters! She doesn't go to party and hardly buy cloths because she will still sell them to feed her kids.

Miraculously, help came from a sister in USA who offered to pay for my school fees. Yeah! I felt relieved and happy that my dream to become a graduate is becoming a reality. As at 2008 when i entered LASU, my feeding allowance for a week was 1000 naira (around 10SBD or less). This allowance continued until my 300 Level days when it was increased to 1500 naira!!!! I was happy that at least i have 500 naira extra!!!

How did i pay the rest of my school fees? Yeah, how? The Vice Chancellor then, Professor Lateef Akanni Hussein organized a scholarship program for those with 4.0 GP and above in 100 level. This scholarship was God's gift to my family. I graduated as a university scholar with 45,000 naira yearly provided i remain in 3.8 GP.

So why did i narrate all the story above? Why did my mom had to go through all the stress? Well i think it just reminds me of how i missed the importance of a father. How i never had the father figure in my journey! How father is so important in every home. 

Every single mother out there struggling have so many things to share. Those whose their husbands died cannot adequately express the agony, the burden, the stress and how they must survive just to make sure their children do not suffer. 

The father figure is so important in the life of every child out there. When it is his responsibilities, the mother has other things to attend to. She has little or no worries over school fees, feeding, clothing and many other things. The father takes care of that. She has house chores to deal with. Even if she will assist, it is very little compared to shouldering all the responsibilities.

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Our mothers are the greatest gifts from God. The pain they go through and what they do just to make sure we survive and become somebody in life cannot be over emphasized! 

Today, i appreciate every single mother out there taking care of their children. I appreciate you for being the father and mother figures! I appreciate you for suffering so that we can enjoy! I appreciate you for hiding those pains so that we focus on our academics. I appreciate my mom today, Iya Tosin as i fondly call her!!!!

Thanks for reading this piece about @smyle, fatherhood and motherhood!

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