If Mama ain't happy....no one is happy

A sneak peak inside the mind of a sleep-deprived mother on her way to crazy-town.

Today started off at 3am...like it usually does when my husband goes into work early. He is an overachiever at work and is really killing it. However, he does not always see the toll it takes on me. You see, I am a mom to two, lovely, small kids, 1 year and 3.5 years old. I am also the mother of a growing business. My business is located in Portland, but my husbands job is in Reno, leaving me operating my company remotely. Remote operation is a really great thing when your business is humming along, but any setbacks and it is impossible to jump in and make things happen.

The truth about sleep is that it is only partially the sleep that is the issue. If you choose to sleep for 4 hours and then go to work, you are prepared for that choice. If you are repeatedly awoken despite your absolute desire for sleep and physical ability to sleep, it is maddening. I beg the children to GTFTS so that I don't turn into Mom-zilla.... they comply, but only one at a time, so that at no point between 3am and 6:30am are they BOTH asleep so that I can also sleep. When they wake refreshed, I am a rabid animal. My husband is happily at work, getting ahead, while I fall farther and farther behind. By the time he comes home and tells me I can sleep now, I am wild eyed and no longer able to sleep.

I consider leaving.

Everything.

My business, my family...if I had a rocket-ship, this planet. I am not rational. I am crazed.

As a Mom, I am expected to remember all doctors appointments...scratch that, I am the only one who is able to even obtain a doctor, deal with insurance, childcare... I am also the one who cooks, cleans and is the chief diaper changer.

As much as I want to run away, my financial dependence on my partner, and the reality that I love my whole family, including him, stops me. I know that in 20 years I will wish for this sweet time with my babies and wish I could do it over with more presence and grace...but that does not change the fear that I am inadequate or that I am failing as a breadwinner and business owner due to the pressures and constraints of early motherhood.

It does not change the fact that most men do not have to deal with choosing between entrepreneurship or jobs and parenthood. The harder my husband works, the more he is rewarded for it. For me, so much of the work I do is unpaid that when I get to the paid work, I have already shorted that stick by a mile and have less funds to pay myself. My motherhood short changes my money earning and my lack of money puts a strain on the family. It is lose lose.

At lucid moments, I remember my vast privilege and my deep gratitude. I meditate in my closet...the only space I can find where there is not sh*t everywhere. I am thankful for my beautiful children and know my husband is doing his best. I can find compassion, but first I need SLEEP.

Remember Papas. If Mama ain't happy, no one is happy. Never underestimate the value of setting up a babysitter and taking your woman out for connection and talking and wine. Never underestimate the value of a deep thank you and a hug. Always operate from a place of making things work for everyone, starting with the person who squeezed out those adorable little watermelons and needed the better part of a year to really get back to her own body. A women revered and respected can move mountains for you. A woman suppressed and dismissed can smash them down around you.

-Written on 2 hours sleep. Raising a cup of coffee to my fellow sisters and parents in similar situations. Let's get each other through these years. Without the isolation and the trappings of the world's expectations.