Merry belated Christmas and ironically, this is not a happy post.

I wanted to write about cheerful things, about how enjoyable it is to embrace a new working culture working with Americans (I'm Asian), about free tasty office Friday lunches, about so much positive things that are happening in my life.

But alas, I keep returning back to the negative things pulling me downwards.

I have not been focused at all this year. I promised myself that this is the year I will grow up into a more mature person. Yet, nearing to the end, I felt the same as I was at the start of the year.

The only thing that changed, is probably that I am better able at being unreceptive to others' emotional blackmailing and guilt-tripping.

I hate it when my partner brings me down. I hate that I lack the ability to refuse people's requests. I'm prone to being too nice to not feel left out. I hate it that I am usually unfocused and easily distracted. I hate that I always give myself reasons to distract myself from the dreaded list of to-dos that I'm not that motivated to do.

Worst of all, I hate that everyone else has me to complain to, I have no one to rely on.

I'm feel tired everyday. I wish I could start saying no to my partner without ending up in an argument. Or maybe it's me being childish and refusing to accept basic responsibilities.

On one platform I am a child, playing games and creating short 4 boxed manga strips to entertain kids. On another platform, I'm ranting out problems to a universal audience whom I do not even know on a personal level.

I love music too. But I tried to move away from music because of societal stigmas.

Merry belated Christmas guys.

If there was one persistent conditioning that I can remove from my mind, that would be the need to receive immediate gratification.