How learning to accept and be patient changed my life

-Image by Anroid Jones

It's odd how often we tell ourselves how we are wrong to feel the emotions we do. How ashamed we are of our own thoughts, and how we tel ourselves it's not okay to think the things we do. Up until very recently, I lived my life with crippling anxiety, chronic depression, and anger issues to spare. I lived my life waiting for the next panic attack, having trouble getting out of bed in the morning, and knowing that it was only a matter of time before I took my pent up rage on my wife or friends. Not only was I ashamed of how I felt and what I thought about in the privacy of my own mind, but I was ashamed of the lack of control I felt over the situation. The problems I dealt with weren't readily apparent to those who I weren't close to, but my wife and close friends were very aware of the problems that I was hesitant to admit I had.

Though I tried my best to deal with these problems and just not allow them to affect me, anyone who deals with these issues knows that is a near impossible task. It wasn't until I actively started searching for answers that hadn't been presented to me in the self help books I often browsed, or the generic responses offered to me by most therapists, that I actually made progress. Truthfully, these answers came to me through a mix of meditation, psilocybin mushrooms, and a book called "practicing peace in times of war".

This concoction served its purpose and gave me answers that while painfully obvious, had never occurred to me. Each component served its purpose, the meditation I did allowed me to objectively look at my thoughts in a way I hadn't been able to before. Instead of feeling shame or guilt for my thoughts, I was finally able to look at the source of these thoughts and accept them for what they were. Though by itself, this was a huge help, the other two components were just as vital.

For those of you who aren't familiar with psilocybin mushrooms, I highly recommend you doing a bit of research before continuing further as explaining psilocybin or the effects it has, especially the benefits it has proven to give those battling mental health issues, would take several articles in itself. I have been a pretty frequent marijuana user since high school and have spent at least three years of my life in a steady state of baked. Though it helped with some of my problems, eventually I had to grow up and in my chosen profession, its impossible to succeed while high. I had been pretty open to the idea of using psilocybin for a while to explore myself in ways that I was unable to unaided. Having been used to marijuana, I wasn't sure psilocybin would be that much different. Boy, how wrong I was. I took what the late Terrance Mckenna referred to as a heroic dose. I had the single worst night of my life, having my ego shredded repetitively while I could do nothing but wait for it to be over. When I came back to a normal state of existence, I was able to appreciate things that I hadn't been able to since I was a kid. Life seemed beautiful again, and by some miracle, some of my anxiety had disappeared.

I was starting to feel good about myself. I was getting a grasp on listening to my inner narrative and figure out where they were coming from, and I had a new found appreciation for life, but anytime I got angry, or woke up in a bad mood, I fell into a negative cycle, ashamed I allowed myself to feel such a way regardless of how much I tried to ignore these feelings. Then, I stumbled upon a magical book that helped put the puzzle pieces together. Though I don't want to quote the book, or take too much from the author, the core concept of the book was to stop hiding from your emotions. This went against everything I previously attempted to deal with my issues. Not only was I to stop hiding, but I was to allow myself to feel these emotions and to take away a lesson each time they came up. Though I was supposed to allow myself to deal with them head on, this did not mean I was to let them control me. To sum up the process in a few steps:

1. Let yourself feel. Do not be ashamed of what you feel. Just recognize if it is a destructive thought pattern and try to understand the why behind it.

2. Be aware of mental hooks that pull you into acting in ways you normally wouldn't. We will always fall prey to these thought patterns, but being able to recognize when you start allowing yourself to react negatively to something you can't control, like when that one asshole cuts you off on the interstate, will allow you to avoid these traps with better success.

3. Stop allowing yourself to fall into your own narrative of excuses of why you should be able to act in a negative way. No matter how many times you asked your significant other to feed the dogs, its not right to react angrily to them, and though it may seem like the best way to get your feelings across, more than likely it will just cause more negativity and more shitty feelings.

4. Be patient with how you feel. This is so important. We so often rush to get away from negative feelings, and we even rush through positive ones due to excitement. Allow yourself to feel hurt and angry. Allow yourself to be happy and excited. Regardless of which hemisphere of emotions you're currently in, take your time and feel. If you're going to be upset, you might as well get a lesson out of it. Once the emotion has been worked out and understood, let it pass. Be present and in the moment with how you feel. I noticed once I started doing this, I would often start realizing how petty I was being and laugh at myself.

5. Drop your ego. This mediation is amazing and really helpful for recognizing your ego's voice. It's the meditation that I mentioned earlier on in the article.

6. Don't forget to accept every aspect of yourself. Remember that you're simultaneously perfect and need work. Love yourself, even though it can be hard at times, it's worth it.