My Life Long Battle With Mental Health

Emotions have been extremely up and down with me, to be honest I have bi-polar depression, ptsd, and can't stand things to change without advanced notice.

So lately I've been feeling extra down.
A lot has been going on in my head and I just can't seem to make it stop.
Thinking that I'm not good enough for anyone.
I don't talk about it.
I feel like no one understands what is going on.

But I do want to talk about it today.

I have felt alone, empty, unwanted.
Those are just feelings one might say.
Those feelings hurt especially when you can't express them in any other way but anger or sadness.
When things are bothering me I get irritated and angry.
I tend to just keep to myself and then when someone asks me if I am alright I just say "I am fine" but in reality I am not fine.

I think to myself when that question is asked, if you only knew and could understand what a struggle it is to be motivated to get up go about the day and act as if it was nothing.

I have been on medication since I was around 8 years old, I witnessed unimaginable things in my life. I lost my grandmother when I was about 6 or so years old we were extremely close. Two peas in a pod, she had her own issues brewing and eventually they got the best of her and she committed suicide by overdose. Try explaining that to a 6 or so year old. It doesn't bode well for mental health.

My Mom has some mental health issues that she still to this day hasn't fully been honest with herself and others about. When my grandma died, I think it affected her more than she led on.

I got the blunt end of this, I would then go on to be whipped or beaten with objects that are not very light or even meant for such use. This went on for years, even after her having other children. I am the eldest of 4 children, 3 of whom have the same father.
I on the other hand a different father (he died in 2008 traumatically).
Those children could do no wrong, and as i mentioned the beating and the hatefulness of mom on my poor helpless soul.
I attempted to get help and get removed from the house but every time no one believed me. Not even the family members closest to me.
Now it ended when I was about 13, but more so because I was seeing my biological father. Spending time with him let me escape.
I got 5 years of getting to know my bio-dad before he was "murdered in front of me" this was the absolute worst day of my life. Also the most traumatic.