When We Rather Blame Our Minds Than Ourselves

That sounds weird doesn’t it? Why would you rather blame your mind than yourself when first and foremost it should be one and the same? Who is the one thinking? Your mind? Yourself? That is practically supposedly a single entity right?

For as long as I can remember I know have this tendency to be self-aware. I am knowledgeable of my actions, the things I believe I should and should not be doing based on societal norms. These thoughts need processing hence I process it with myself / with my mind. I talk to myself in the lines of “WE shouldn’t have done that”, or “when will WE ever learn?”.

I don’t do this because I have another personality at the back of my brain but because most of the time I just need someone to talk to who will not judge my weird thoughts and actions.

Why do we blame our minds instead of ourselves? Aren’t we suppose to intergate both?

I have somewhat mastered compartmentalizing my “crazies” so that everything looks normal from the outside. Instead of the ideally integrating everything (every area of your life) and be the same person you are to different people, I tend to compartmentalize. I tell different people different depths about myself, which is normal of course (or I feel it is). I believe you can really never not compartmentalize because there will always be people who will not understand you. You would only choose to open up to people who most likely will.

Back around November 2016, I had my first psychiatric appointment. I was feeling depressed due to pressure from work and sorts and I came to the thought that I should get myself checked. The doctor said I was not depressed (which was a bit depressing knowing I have nothing more to blame lol), but she said I had committment issues.

She asked if I had friends. Naturally I would say I do. She asked if I have close friends. I said I do. She asked if I had close friends- close enough that I can open up to no walls, no masks, no anything. I said I don’t. She then recommended we do therapy and talk about my problems on a weekly basis (around Php 3000 per session) until I get better. Thinking of the cost alone forced me to get better and that was the end of it for that season.

Since then I tried to meet with people more regularly, tried openning up to different circles. When you reach a certain age and all your peers are busy with their careers, it’s nice to have friends from different circles to open up to. They don’t necessarily intersect but atleast you have some people to talk to.

Why do we blame our minds instead of ourselves? Who does the blaming? The heart?

Putting the heart as separate from our “self” brings more confusion may bring more confusion but sometimes it may be necessary to disect. We are passionate for alot of things and the heart is the source of these passions and deep joy. It is when we are unable to live out our passions and callings that we tend to find things meaningless. We try all the more to find meaning and purpose in the things we do but we are faced with limitations. After a few consistent thought patterns of sadness, we become somewhat depressed and unable to function normally as we should. The things we used to enjoy no longer bring us any endorphines. The thoughts that used to bring excitement to us no longer do so. And our hearts become conflicted with the “Why is this happening to me?”, “I am not like this”, “I am not supposed to be like this”. But now we are.

Why do we blame our minds instead of ourselves? Can’t either of them take over the other?

“Mind over matter”. That is one prevailing culture in society. Don’t mind your emotions or circumstances, just practice “mind over matter”. I would hear this again and again from people. They would say that this is the value of maturity, when you are able to “mind over matter” your situations and still be productive. I have always tried to practice this. When I am physically sick, I would “mind over matter” it and get up, do work and the things I need to and still make it. Whenever I used to feel sad about some life failures, I would cry then “mind over matter” the situation to rise up again.

The hard part comes when you are no longer able to “mind over matter” your own mind. I personally get frustrated when I know that my problems are just internal. Ideally since the problems are internal, the solutions are also internal and that you can fix them by deciding on actions to take. But some of these are not that easy. You get angry with yourself why you are not able to overcome this problem when it is just in your head when you have overcome tons of other external problems.

Internal problems are one thing. But it is another when because you are unable to solve your internal problems, external ones rise up. You hear people close to you telling you that you are not pulling enough weight anymore. You are not worthy of the things you are called for, titles you have achieved, not worth the money you are receiving etc. They question you why you say you’re not thinking straight and yet still do some work when you’re supposed to be totally resting. People who have long known you to be a strong person who can easily “mind over matter” situations just expect you to still keep doing it as if it were that simple. You hear phrases such as “Kaya mo yan” (You can do it), “Umayos ka” (fix yourself), “Pagpray mo lang yan” (Just pray for it) etc as if they are encouraging or helpful.

As a self-aware person, I also tried to self diagnose and self-counsel. And while doing self-counsel, I tell myself the phrases above. That I can do this. I should just pray about it. That I should just fix myself. But again, it is not as easy as it was before. There are other factors: hormonal imbalances, strengthened thought patterns, other affected hurts or pains that make it hard to just process them as simple as they were.

Recently, I again had myself checked with a psychiatrist. I have to admit, it was one of the most intellectually stimulating conversations I had. The doctor was talking about cognitive diffusion, how we should process thoughts without emotions. This is one of the things I need to practice in order to live a more healthy life. She also recommended I go through this workbook in order to personally process the events in my life and take my life back.

Why do we blame our minds instead of ourselves? Because it is easier to accept that just a part of you is broken than the entire you.

It is easier to blame one part than the whole. That one part has failed, and we are not entirely the failure. That one part just needs healing but the rest of you can still function.

I empathize with those who struggle with these thought patterns, hormonal imbalances and diagnosed or undiagnosed mental health issues. Let us take care of as much as we can and slowly go through a process making things better.

To those who have friends or family going through these things, please be more patient. You may have already been the most patient people in the world for these people, and they may not seem like they’re changing but please continue to be patient. The people going through these things don’t do it as an excuse to get out of doing work/school or responsibilities (well, you’ll figure it out if it’s real anyway). They don’t do these illogical things to gain attention. They do it to hopefully understand themselves. They may have unreasonable ways of doing it but that is why you are connected to them, to help them.

To those who look up to people who are now unstable with their thoughts, trust that they too want to get better. That they are pressuring themselves to be well because people rely on them. And because they too want to do more.

I finally had the courage to get myself checked again because of this sentence I read. I mean no disrespect to the (memory of the) writer, friends and family in making it part of this write up. I just want to explain what finally made me want to seek help.

“I had the heart and the spirit but my mind could not let me go on any longer. Do not be like me. Take care of your minds. Bye.”

Let us take care of our minds. Let us help each other get better. Not just our minds, but our entire selves. :)