The Three Roommates in Your Head

A portal into my dreams, and my mind~

Most of my life, I have struggled with mental health. I have been seeing a counselor weekly for about 2 1/2 years now. Today, I decided to bring up the fact that I've been having seriously crazy dreams lately, and I told him about a few, but one stuck out in particular. Now, I wont get into it, but it revolved around how I finally live in my own dorm alone, and how uncomfortable I used to be living around people I'm not comfortable with. So in this dream, I was stuck in a large open dorm room, moving in with three random new female roommates.

This room was completely falling apart, windows broken with cold air coming in, bathroom flooding, the door even had a hole. And... for some reason, I was the only one who was noticing this. Here I am in this dream, wondering, 'Am I the only one who realizes how badly this is falling apart?'

Stick with me here.

As I'm telling this to my counselor, I'm thinking that it has to do with the fact that lately I have been single, alone, and spending an awful lot of time by myself. I say this out loud, and he shakes his head. "Did you stop to think that maybe those three roommates making you crazy are a part of you?" he asks me. I pause for a minute, confused about what he means by this. He simply says in a questioning voice, "Me, Myself, and I?"

This basically knocks me on my ass, figuratively of course. Although I don't always agree with all of the dream analyzation and jargon, when I started thinking about it, I could see some connections with that. Inevitably, the dream faded away, and I was left thinking about how much of a fight it is every day living with myself in my own head.

I'm stuck in this life that isn't what I want it to be, and I see all of these things that are falling apart in front of my eyes, and yet I'm the only one that can see it. When something isn't how I want it to be, it's the argument between me, myself, and I, but what can I do about it?

Disregarding that, my struggle lately has been that I am recently single, and I've been realizing that because of this, the structure in my life is gone. I have no anchor, no rock, nothing to focus on. "Focus on yourself," everyone says.

"I'M TRYING!" I yell, to me, myself, and I.

My relationships, the few I've had, have been pretty obviously doomed to fail. I don't think that this is because of my mental struggles, although I know they are problematic, but because of what I am now realizing; If I measure my life in terms of the relationships and love I've had, but I don't love myself, no wonder I am having so much trouble being alone with myself, even though I also don't want to be around people.

I don't want this to become too long winded, but I wanted to speak my mind, and maybe even affirm some of these theories by putting them into words. If I beat it into my head that I need to be comfortable alone, will I remember to start working on it? I guess we will have to see.

Although I do think that working on this blog, which I plan to fill with many experiences, thoughts, choices, and interesting things, will be a good start. I hope to work on writing as a passageway into my mind, hopefully a way to help others learn more about themselves, and most importantly, to get my thoughts out there.