My experience hasn't been so unlike your own through the years, and I still find it to be a challenge some days to get my butt on the cushion. I've found that these self-defeating patterns are for the most part, the result of the conditioning we've experienced at various stages in our lives. Our learned belief systems, habit patterns, etc. many times serve to limit us within our endeavors towards expanding ourselves in some way. The one thing that keeps me going with this practice it seems, is that when I'm meditating, it's a time when I feel truly sane and have the greatest clarity in my life. It's as well, I'm finding, to be more and more just something necessary for me to partake in as we move further into greater levels of uncertainty and chaos in the world.

I've been looking at the work of someone named Joe Dispenza in relation to dealing with such self-defeating patterns and learned behaviors. His instructions and insights into this topic are both fascinating and very effective towards allowing one to move beyond such barriers.

Thanks for sharing your experience and let me know how it goes for you.