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Why You Were Ghosted
Sorry, boo. You were the creepy one, so they went ghost.
Naomi Gold
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Naomi Gold
Published a day ago • Updated a day ago • 10 min read

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Why You Were Ghosted
Photo by Jr Korpa on Unsplash
There are a multitude of think pieces bashing people who ghosted others. This is not that.

Unpopular Opinion: You were ghosted for a valid reason. Knowing the reason wouldn’t benefit you. It would not offer you closure, nor would it provide an opportunity for your personal growth.
I was inspired to write this after seeing yet another woman’s rant on reddit. She’d been ghosted by dozens of men on dating apps. Dozens. Do the math, and she is the common denominator.

Reading her side, meant to paint her in a good light, I saw a self-portrait glowing scarlet with red flags. I wouldn’t point those out to her because:

I’m not cruel. Telling someone about themselves when they’re not emotionally mature enough to be self-aware in the first place is cruel.
She didn’t want advice. She wanted consolation. I’m genuinely sorry she’s hurting, but she’s not taking personal accountability.
Others consoled her, giving the usual responses about ghosters lacking empathy, being immature, not deserving love, etc. I’m enjoying my weekend, and not interested in being downvoted to Hell by an echo chamber.
Her behavior caused numerous men to disappear before she ever saw them in the flesh. That’s a red flag in itself. Men love flesh. I won’t bother mentioning all the alarming things she said, because it doesn’t matter.

If there’s one thing I learned about single men through years of dating and being a stripper, it’s that they ignore red flags concerning women. They see what they want. Especially if all you’re showing them is your physical beauty, a picture to swipe on.

When I was in my twenties, living in Detroit, I was briefly unemployed. It was right before I started stripping. I went on dates with different men five nights a week to get free dinner—and sometimes on weekends for brunch. No, I didn’t sleep with them, so there weren’t as many second dates. But there was an endless stream of first dates! From OkCupid, I believe. And one of the men became a close friend after making me pay my half.

When I went through a bad breakup in my late thirties, I did the same thing for two weeks to inflate my ego. A different man every night. I did it just to prove I could, and I have no doubt I could do it again. However, I quickly realized it was not fulfilling—especially since I could afford fancy meals by then, and enjoyed my own company.

But I have ghosted many people, male and female. If you’ve ever wanted to know what provokes some of us to become apparitions, read on.

First, let me be transparent. (See what I did there?)

I do not mean I ended relationships without telling my partner. I have never done that, nor have I ever had it done to me. I’m on good terms with most of my exes, and if there was a Yelp for human beings, I’d have decent reviews.

From the New York Times:

“Ghosting — when someone cuts off all communication without explanation — extends to all things, it seems. Most of us think about it in the context of digital departure: a friend not responding to a text, or worse, a lover, but it happens across all social circumstances and it’s tied to the way we view the world.”

You’ll get various definitions depending on your sources. Ghosting, to me, is someone no longer communicating electronically with you. It’s nearly impossible to ghost or be ghosted by someone who is part of your real life.

Ghosting is acceptable. No one is required to “break up” with you, a person they do not know! They might not be able to put into words quite why they don’t want to know you. Or, if they did, those words would offend. There is no compassionate way to say, “Go away.”

Blocking people, or ceasing communication, is a polite way to establish boundaries. It is drama free. No response IS a response, a loud and clear one, unless you’re tone deaf.

And sure, they could lie about why they left you on read to spare your feelings. But you’d still be hurt, wouldn’t you? If rejection crushed you, the reason for it is rather moot.

They could say there’s no chemistry. But that should’ve been obvious to both of you. And if it wasn’t, it’s time to self reflect. Why’d you think things were magical when they weren’t? Why were you invested in a relationship that hadn’t begun? Be honest about what led to a one-sided fixation.

Whenever people complain about being ghosted in the earliest stages of dating, they say, “I really liked them.”

Um, how? There is a huge difference between liking someone you know well, and liking the idea of someone you’ll never know.

As someone who dated men and women through apps, I can tell you firsthand that there’s a difference in how the sexes approach online dating.

Men on dating apps are desperate. They outnumber women. Men are eager to meet—unless they’re hiding something, like a wife or a mother they live with. But even then, they’ll try to meet. Sometimes they’re so eager they can’t engage in conversation. They think “hey” is a direct message worthy of a response. They do not know an attractive woman has an entire inbox full of “hey” or “how are u?”

Women, on the other hand? Not as enthusiastic to meet. It’s like pulling teeth. When I’m on Tinder, I’m not there for pen pals. I’m there to DATE. That’s literally the intention of all dating apps. The problem is, women want to get to know someone before dating.

You cannot get to know someone electronically.
It’s not possible. To know people, you have to spend time with them. Be present with them. Look into their eyes. Feel their energy. Have conversations with them in real time, without them composing and deleting and recomposing a reply before hitting send. It’s sad that we’ve forgotten that. So “connected” with messages and texts and comment sections we’ve forgotten what human connection is.

I think many people are scared of that level of intimacy. Especially women who’ve been hurt. That’s why they’re reluctant to go out with someone. They want to make sure they’ve “met” their perfect soulmate who will love and cherish them forever before a meeting occurs. I have a feeling Ms. Reddit was that way too, and men got tired of their time being wasted.

For men to match with a woman, and talk to her, but not meet her, it had to be her rejecting their attempts. For a woman to call that ghosting indicates delusion.

The point of dating is to get to know someone.
Online dating requires balance. You should be able to make small talk about common interests or values—you know, through actually reading their profile, and being honest on your profile. If you can establish a rapport, and make one another laugh, or if the direct messages get so long you decide to talk on the phone, that should inspire a date. Only after the date can you know if the connection is real, or all in your head.

Once, and only once, did I want to date someone, but changed my mind beforehand. We’d been talking on the phone. We talked about meeting, but hadn’t made real plans yet. He seemed sweet and funny. We both loved horror films. I liked that he was the singer/songwriter of a metal rock Christian band. I’m not Christian, but my faith in God is the most important aspect of my identity, so I need my partner to be spiritual. Then he said he was a socialist. I’m conservative. I’d seen on his dating profile that he listed “other” as his political party. I assumed it was libertarian, which I’m good with. It wasn’t. I thought it over for 24 hours. I couldn’t go on a date with a socialist any more than I could go on a date with an atheist.

I was honest with him. I can be friends with people who have different political beliefs, but not settle down romantically with them—and this happened fairly recently. At forty years old, I don’t do flings. I told him we could still meet up as friends. I never heard from him again.

If I ghosted before a phone conversation, it’s either because someone was boring, and I had no desire to carry the conversation on my own; or, all they wanted to do was talk, through texts or DMs. They refused to call, and refused to meet.

If I ghosted someone after a date, it’s because I wasn’t attracted to them. I remember a few years ago, during my time in Portland, land of weirdos, there was a man I’d been texting consistently. He was cerebral like me. We were both avid readers, and so excited to meet. I suggested a cozy brunch spot near my home. I’m so glad I did. This man was beyond geeky. I love a chic geek, a grown up Seth Cohen. But I’m not trying to sleep with a Bill Gates who doesn’t have Bill Gates money, you feel me?He was different in person, making stilted conversation. My vagina had never been so dry, but it got worse!

He told me his romantic partner he lived with (WTF?) had dropped him off for our date, and that afternoon he was attending some fetish orgy—he called it a “play party” and said I was welcome to “come.” I knew he was polyamorous beforehand, which I find narcissistic, needing multiple partners to harvest energy from. But I liked our talks. I lived in Portland. I wanted to be open-minded. And I didn’t know he was that polyamorous. I didn’t know he lived with a woman, or liked slanging dick at gatherings. He asked me to pay my half of the bill and went to the restroom.

I immediately paid and ran home in heels, afraid he’d try to walk me to my place and kiss me goodbye. (He was exactly the type to stretch an awkward date that wasn’t a date because we went Dutch, and expect a kiss). I blocked him from my phone during my homeward sprint, unmatched him on Tinder, and that was that.

Once, when I was a young model, I was interested in an older man. A photographer. We vaguely knew each other from group shoots (don’t ask me to explain the madness that is group shoots, it’s a long story). We had been talking. I was living in Dayton, but moving to Ann Arbor where he lived. My first weekend up there, he invited me to the bar he worked at. He got me very drunk. He closed the bar, and we went to his car to have sex. It was bad. So bad, I stopped during the act. I said my knees were getting bruised and I had photo shoots lined up. He drove me home and I ghosted him. To be fair, I did have shoots lined up in other cities. I traveled full time. But I never spoke to him again.

He told all our mutual friends about it as if we were a couple, and I moved on without ever dumping him. I’m not a bad person for not wanting bad sex. And this wasn’t something we could’ve worked on. It was him. It was the way he wouldn’t stop talking, the way he touched me, the things he asked me to do, and his abundant chest hair, and just everything. I still shudder at the thought. I highly doubt I could’ve let him down gently, or made something up. I’m a bad liar because I hate lying.

Bottom line: Stop placing all your hopes and dreams in another person, a person who hasn’t chosen to build a life with you. No one owes you an explanation for why that’s unacceptable. It just is.

DATING

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About the Creator
Naomi Gold
Naomi Gold
She/Her. Post modern mystic. Professional psychic, astrologer, and tarot reader. Aspiring author, currently writing first book. God fearing woman in the Land of 10,000 Lakes.

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Comments (17)
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Dharrsheena Raja Segarran
Dharrsheena Raja Segarran
about 2 hours ago
This was very fascinating, like a different perspective. It made a lot of sense. Congratulations on your Top Story!

Em Starr
Em Starr
about 5 hours ago
Another fantastic piece. Conversational, honest, and unapologetic. Love your work, Naomi!

1 reply
Cathy holmes
Cathy holmes
about 7 hours ago
Great article. Congrats on the top story.

1 reply
Kent Brindley
Kent Brindley
about 9 hours ago
Expertly written and enticing piece.
I've been on the receiving end of finally getting "ghosted" in the past by a couple of Facebook friends; and I know in the back of my mind WHY it really happened (albeit, I also know how I let losing that particular pair of friends hurt me so badly) and that finally "ghosting" someone who they personally knew was most likely not these womens' first resort.
(Long-story-short, I was younger and more foolish about Social Media and tended to use FB Messenger A LOT to keep up with old college friends [and, yes, I'd been attracted to these two women in particular at some point; and I'd even TOLD one of them, leaving her in a place to reject me IRL. Well, then she was my very first Facebook friend and, like all of my friends on Social Media, I tried to keep in touch with her. I tried. And I tried. And responses got further and farther between anymore. And I tried. And...gone. The second young lady who I got this from didn't sting nearly as badly; but it still kind of did and part of that sting is I know WHY it happened and they were most likely PUSHED into doing so in the first place)
Obla-Dee-Obla-Dah (or however "Life Goes On" would be transcribed); I know a little better now.
Anyway, thanks for sharing this and congrats on "Top Story."

1 reply
Stephanie J. Bradberry
Stephanie J. Bradberry
about 11 hours ago
All I'm going to say is we would have a jolly good time conversing about how interesting life is. Thanks for your honesty and the laughs like: "First, let me be transparent. (See what I did there?)" Congratulations on Top Story!

1 reply
JBaz
JBaz
about 11 hours ago
So glad I a, happily married ( she is too😉)
Great article and written perfectly.

1 reply
Roy Stevens
Roy Stevens
about 12 hours ago
Some really interesting points. Congratulations on Top Story status.

1 reply
Dana Stewart
Dana Stewart
about 12 hours ago
This is so truthful, beautiful and brutal. Dating is hard! The part where the romantic partner dropped him off for your date takes the cake. I enjoyed reading this trainwreck, made me feel better about my plane crash, lol Congrats on Top Story!

1 reply
Mohammed Darasi
Mohammed Darasi
about 12 hours ago
Damn! very honest and I love it. I don't really date myself so this is just from random knowledge I gathered from tv shows or something.. ghosting usually happens when the relationship is a an early stage (not really committed yet) right? so sometimes I don't understand why people complaint about being ghosted so much, since the relationship wasn't that deep to begin with.. like you said in the end, we shouldn't really put hopes and dream in another person.

also i loved the tone of this in general. your description of the date with he bill gates look-alike made me laugh hahaha.. yeah a date like does not need any explanation.. simply become a ghost

1 reply
Dana Crandell
Dana Crandell
about 12 hours ago
Well, you dropped a whole lotta truth bombs in there. LOL I'm very happy I'm not on the dating circuit in this day and age. Great job as always!

1 reply
Ahna Lewis
Ahna Lewis
about 15 hours ago
I love your writing style, Naomi. It's so conversational and honest. Thanks for sharing your stories and perspective!

4 replies
Scott Wade
Scott Wade
about 16 hours ago
This is priceless in its transparency! You are spot on, there are those who on dating apps who seek to fulfill some social need to project into a fantasy relationship, some actually want a date. Reality cannot compete with the fantasy. My worst experience was when a date from Match brought her x-husband along to attempt to create a three-some. Hahahaha. So, sorry about your bruised knees. 🥰

3 replies
Donna Renee
Donna Renee
about 21 hours ago
As always, I love your honesty, humor, and clarity, Naomi. 😊

1 reply
F. Leonora Solomon
F. Leonora Solomon
about 22 hours ago
Naomi, i love your perspective! you always get me invested right from the start.

nowadays people are eager to place a label on everything. i cannot hear the words "narcissist" or "gaslighting" anymore. everything cannot be tied up neat with a bow, it's two to tango -- sometimes out of sync.

2 replies
Randy Wayne Jellison-Knock
Randy Wayne Jellison-Knock
a day ago
Wow, that is brutally & delightfully honest. And that's me seeing myself as every bit deserving of being on the receiving end of your critique! I am the socially awkward putz (but without the chest hair), who can't sustain a conversation, is easily distracted & who has neither the money nor the sought after goods to make me interesting, lol!

On the other hand, I'm also the guy who finds it difficult to sustain a relationship & has ended up ghosting several young women who didn't deserve it. Through a good part of our relationship, my wife used to tell me, "I'm not here to teach relationships 101." We (that is, she) finally figured out that I was autistic, I had just learned to compensate well enough to make it seem like I should be good with relationships. She's learning to live with it. We love each other. And we haven't ghosted one another after 37 years.

That having been said, I thoroughly enjoyed how you expressed yourself in this article & just let it all hang out. It's refreshing & rib-tickling--not in any kind of mocking way but rather in a fully appreciative & identifying with what you say manner.

Thank you for sharing this with us. As I always, I wait with bated breath for your next publication.

4 replies
Kendall Defoe
Kendall Defoe
a day ago
I like this. I looked at some dating apps...and got very depressed. As a guy, I can say that you nailed it, and that we all need to learn how to really communicate again.

3 replies
HandsomelouiiThePoet (Lonzo ward)
HandsomelouiiThePoet (Lonzo ward)
a day ago
❤️

1 reply
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