“It feels amazing when you put your hand right…here.”

Welcome Back for the first OMGYES.com episode review! To kick off the series, I selected the topic that I find makes the largest impact on the success of achieving physical pleasure in a sexual relationship: Signaling. Whoever you are sharing your sexual pleasure with, having effective communication allows for mutual respect, informed consent, and safe interactions that everyone involved can enjoy.

Not your typical masturbation material, but it helped get me in the right area, along with a handheld mirror

The first orgasm that I was able to achieve was lying on my back in the bathtub, clitoris directly under a small stream of water. I knew from looking at diagrams in a human anatomy book where the sensitive pleasure center was, but when I had tried to rub it directly with my fingers YOW! it was far too overstimulating. The water that tumbled out of the faucet, however, glided over my clitoris, provided a yummy pulsing sensation. I felt so victorious after the waves of pleasure finished ebbing over my body, I knew how to orgasm.

A simplified diagram of the external female genitals, oriented with the woman lying on her back.

But when that first partner came “knocking”, I had only used a water stream (adjustable showerheads were a game-changing upgrade after the first few years!) and the vaguely familiar YOW! sensation showed up again. I had never experimented outside of the tub with finding my own pleasure, and now I was unable to give any kind of clues to my partner to make it enjoyable. We both humbly admitted defeat in that category and luckily, once we engaged in penetration, I was able to achieve orgasm in this manner and did not concern myself with clitoral orgasm via fingering for the duration of that relationship.

With so much variation in physical structure of a woman’s genitalia, reflected in this portion of “The Great Wall of Vagina”, it is easy to see why one approach is not enough when interacting with a partner

I found that it was only once I committed to my own exploration, of ways that saved water and was a bit more spontaneous and covert, could I give accurate feedback to achieve clitoral orgasms reliably. OMGYES research from the Kinsey Institute indicated that many women expressed that not only is it important to know for themselves, but to be able to communicate the information to a partner to avoid being seen as “critical” or “inept”. It is important to remember that not only is every woman’s pleasure achieved in different manners, there can be different approaches that an individual woman likes at any given time so the best lovers are always in touch with their partner and ready to adapt technique to be compatible.

So how, when we are at times gasping for air, or a voice muffled into a pillow, did the volunteers share their enjoyment?

Demonstrate it

Mutual masturbation involves sharing your personal solo routine with your partner, so they can observe the manner that you know gets the job done. A visually stimulating activity that can be done simultaneously, hand-over-hand guidance for your partner to try out the technique helps clarify how much pressure to apply or how quick or slow of movements you enjoy best. If they are close on location, shifting your body to meet a finger, tongue can help guide their targeting of your favorite spots.

Nonverbal Signals

As mentioned before, fully detailed thoughts are not always easily communicated in the heat of the moment and at some times, just not necessary. Some partners may simplify to a “positive” sound/gesture/sign and a “safe word” that halts activity for extra clarification. Try to make signals distinct and defined; I had used tapping initially to mean “too much/ not good” but one time accidentally tapped from shaking from being so close to orgasm and my partner stopped right as I was about to hit my peak. Of course, I could never be upset over this miscommunication, instead, I felt safe and respected that my partner was tuned in to me. I now hold a light squeeze when I am feeling good so I don’t have a false tap-out.

Just say it!

The projects research reports that “women who gave specific details about what makes sex more pleasurable for them were eight times more likely to be happier in their relationships and six times more likely to be sexually satisfied”. The lesson recommends the invention of a vocabulary for favorite activities and using specific directional language can be helpful stepping stones for expanding a simpler “good/not so good” system that helps your partner to better learn. If face to face communication seems too confrontational or awkward, text or written messages before or after can be used to give specific information, but gives a buffer to decide how to express the sensation or movements desired.

Have you created a new term with a partner to describe a movement? Learned a new term from a more experienced partner? How did the added communication improve your pleasure? Your partners’ confidence?

*Thanks for joining me for another week of #STEEMySex, I hope that you will join me for the next episode review, where we will be delving into the reported techniques of choice by study volunteers. If there are additional topics relating to sexuality, reproduction and healthy sex-positivity that you would like to see discussed, please also share below, as I want this community to reflect the educational needs of our global community.

And remember, the steem work makes the dream work! ;*

References for further reading
[The Great Wall of Vagina by Jamie Mc Cartney] (http://www.greatwallofvagina.co.uk/home)
OMGYes.com