What turns love UGLY? And what you can do to stop that from happening...

Have you ever experienced true love?

I am not talking about the commercial kind, the one you fall into. Not the one you love with an objective in mind, for instance to get married or other ulterior motives.

I am talking about the kind of love which feels like bliss for the moments you are experiencing it. I think I have understood (or at least have a faint idea) what can turn love ugly.

In this article I will share them in the simplest possible terms for you to consider.

Love thyself before loving others

It is a known fact that we cannot give something we do not have.

If our self worth is low and we are using people to validate our self-worth by loving us, then, this search for self-validation will not be fulfilled for long.

We seek approval all the time, in fact, most relations are mere ways of approval of one's self worth. We love our pets, spouse, children, parents but never take time to love ourselves.

We never marvel at the fact that God has created us in totality, there is or will be no other person like us. We cannot experience love for someone else if we are never in love with ourselves. I am not talking about the arrogant narcissistic kind, I am talking about the grateful realization of our uniqueness.

We have to learn to be selfish enough to learn to love ourselves. Once the love internalizes within, loving others will becomes second nature.

'Give and take' is trade and Love only knows giving

In most cases we do things for others expecting, subconsciously, that they will help us when we need them.

When this reciprocity creeps into our relationships it slowly starts to eat away the purity and turns the whole thing into a trade.

What is the prime motive of any trade?

To make profits, or at least stay afloat, in a relationship this translates into 'I do this because I expect you to do something else for me, as long as you meet my expectations and I meet your expectations we will be in agreement'.

This is the problem with most relationships, the innocence has already vanished and the trade is in full swing where people are trying to take more and give less.

Exact opposite of what love should be, in fact love only knows giving.

We should realize the fact that love is not a trade. Giving without expecting is highest form of love and also the most difficult one to achieve.

At least the recognition of this fact will lead us towards the right direction. Good news is that once we realize this fact and act from the vantage point of giving without expecting, people tend to open up.

They will intuitively recognize the change in us and respond to our new awareness.

Mask will come off

Everyone lives in a society with a mask ON. Living with the masks is exhausting. People cannot wait to find the quiet of the home to just be themselves.

Most often, people fall (they call it 'falling' in love because we are being deceived by the mask) for the deceit of this ‘social mask’.

The more we come to know the person more we see behind the mask. We find out many things behind that mask, some of this may not please us.

He/she might be a totally different person behind the mask, so much so that it might scare us.

Social gatherings do not last for long so wearing a mask is not that big of a deal, but we cannot carry on putting our mask forever. It has to come off one way or other.

Once we understand that every person is wearing a mask, we will at least develop the strength to embrace the fact. If we can accept them with and without the mask there will be no need for him/her to wear any mask in our presence.

This freedom will liberate both from the suffocation that masks bring. Relationships where people have no need for masks stand chance to survive.

"Change" game, trying the impossible

We often hear people say 'except for blah blah, this person is perfect'.

Most people get into relationships knowing about things that they don’t like about the person. Like for example, smoking or drinking or picking the nose, whatever.

They enter into the relationship with a false hope that they will change the person.

This very act of trying to change other person is futile because perfection is an illusion (even Einstein corroborates).

Even if you succeed to defy the nature to make the other person Mr/Ms Perfect - you will lose interest in them immediately because anything that is perfect is a finished product.

A human being as a finished product is quite ugly and boring.

Everyone is imperfect and that is the real beauty of our lives, we are not finished, we are always work in progress, and this gives us the flexibility to grow, change and adapt.

In his book 'Your Erroneous Zones', Dr. Wayne Dyer says "In a relationship where two people become one, the end result is two half people".

Embrace that each human being is a package of perfections and imperfections, great qualities and not so great qualities. Knowing that the world is out to change you, people are craving for relations (friends/family/lovers) who will allow them to be themselves.

Let our loved ones craving for originality be fulfilled in our presence. Let the need to change the other person slowly dissipate.

Space, Space, Space

The main difference between friends and people in love is that friends do not barge into each others spaces like lovers do.

It seems, as if it were, lovers are driven by a dire need to be the focal point of the other person’s attention.

We expect that our loved ones call us all the time, even if he/she is working on a 11 hour schedule. We forget that they had a life before we entered into their lives and they have friends, family and social life that is important to them.

We try to occupy every inch of their space. Slowly the other person starts feeling the need for space which leads to suffocation. Once we start suffocating in any relationship, we will start looking for ways to get out of it.

Speaking on the topic of Marriage in the book The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran said "Let there be spaces in your togetherness"; "And stand together yet not too near together: for the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

Respect the space in any form of relationship. Communicate when you start feeling the suffocation so that the other person knows that you need space as most people are usually unaware of the fact that they are barging in.

In conclusion: When you understand what may turn love into an ugly thing and live in ways that love in your life never turns ugly (at least not because of you), you will lead a more happy life.

Opinion, not an advice.

Picture source: pixabay.com