I don't love you anymore!

I was about to write an article about impermanent nature of all things, including relationship and romantic love, so I googled the phrase "I don't love you anymore" to find some quote I wanted to include in the article.
Google gave me bunch of links to self-help websites, private therapists, couple's therapists and so on, and all those resources had just one message: don't get divorced! Save your marriage!

Of course, it's stupid to get divorced for bullshit reasons. For example: you are in an okay relationship (not a perfect one, but not something you can't stand), you still have emotional connection (of course after years you won't feel the same affection as in the very beginning), you share some common ideas and future plans, but he cheated on you once. With a hooker (which is not an actual cheating). It's not the reason to get divorced, in my opinion. Same situation: okay relationship, still some connection, but she got drunk and told she hates your daughter from the first marriage, who is already grown up. It's not the reason to get divorced, just organize your life in a way that your daughter and current wife don't interact if they dislike each other. The most important is that you love your daughter. Your wife doesn't have to.

But what if you have a real reason to get divorced? Most people think, real reasons are critical misunderstandings, domestic violence, substance abuse, cheating or financial issues, while "I love you no more" looks like an excuse.

But let's take a closer look: what do those words really mean?

If we take away all the bullshit and self-deception, it means "I never actually loved you. I was blinded by romantic affection and now, when it's gone - I realize that we are too different, have different goals and aspirations, different habits, different beliefs and systems of values, so we can't stay together as this relationship is not leading to any good".

That's what the person who is fully aware of one's own mind algorithms would say. What really happens is an increasing feeling of dissatisfaction, accompanied by guilt, as objectively marriage kinda works and there is no "real" reason to get divorced, plus your therapist, mom, dad, boss, priest, whoever on Earth is convincing you to save the marriage.

Ramona does not. Ramona says – get divorced, as the absence of emotional connection is #1 reason to stop the relationship.

Why everyone is convincing you to save the marriage? Because it's very practical. Even one of your inner selves says "No, don't do it" because it's scared of dealing with all the legal procedures, like custody, splitting all your possessions, looking for a new place to stay and new partner if you want to be back to the game. Too much of a hustle, so let's stay in this relationship, even if it's shitty and gets even more shitty as the time goes by. Plus your priest says it's a sin.

For me it sounds terrifying. Staying in an unhealthy, toxic relationship is a crime against free will, a crime against your soul and a Creator, who gave you a spark of His Divine consciousness and a free will. He gave you the spark of life not to play ridiculous games, not to pretend being happy when you are miserable, not to roam around the planet aimlessly. You got the gift of life to create, to share what you have and to grow. If your relationship keeps you away from accomplishing at least one of these 3 – fuck it. Not the mission I mean, the relationship. Remember, we are here not to procreate, otherwise we'd be incarnated as rabbits.

The purpose of having relationship is growing together. Creating together. And it happens only if the system works. The system works only when all parts of it are connected.
In a relationship we have many different levels of connection, main ones are:
• Physical – feeling secure with your partner
• Sensual/sexual - being sexually attracted to a partner and able to feel sensual pleasure with him/her
• Intellectual/social - sharing same ideas, having same aspirations and future plans
• Emotional – feeling a deep emotional connection with each other which we call love
• Spiritual – sharing same beliefs, being aware of each other's life missions and supporting each other in it, connecting to one's higher self through interaction with partner, developing the sense of unity and oneness

It's amazing if you and your partner are connected on a spiritual level, but let's not take it into consideration while talking about marriage and divorce, as I guess, spiritually connected people don't have to face this kind of problems.
So, 4 levels of connection. Simple math: if at least 2 work - marriage/relationship can be saved. The higher the level of connection is – the more chances you have to save a relationship.

As for me, it is essential to have emotional connection. If it's gone – your marriage will feel like a burden to bare, even if you are feeling secure in it and socially-intellectually fine.

First two levels can be worked out.
For example, the feeling of physical insecurity usually comes from your or your partner's responsibility issues and fears. Few sessions with a good therapist and it can be worked out.

The lack or absence of sexual attraction can be worked out too. Consider being in an opened marriage. I'm serious. I know some people want to stone me to death for such an advice. I'll consider wearing an armor if I ever decide to host a live event. But, again – if we put aside all the ideas, that were implemented by society and religion, there are just bold facts: there are two people who are happily married. They still have an emotional connection to each other, they look and walk in the same direction socially, they feel safe with each other, but sexual attraction is no longer there, should that be a reason to break the relationship which works and can be constructive? After all, sex is just a tool, designed for procreation, but people use it for many different things: from satisfaction to manipulation. The most common use of sex is to release tension. So just let your partner release that tension with someone else, if you no longer want him/her physically, but still have emotional attachment. Being in an opened relationship is a challenge, as it goes against all the system of values that was implemented in our minds for centuries, but some non-monogamous couples develop even deeper emotional connection as they are able to experience the non-sexual, higher kind of love, and that's beautiful.

Social/intellectual level can't be worked out easily. If you have some critical misunderstandings and share totally different values and beliefs – don't waste your time, get divorced. If you are a republican while he is a democrat – get divorced. If you are spontaneous while she is very practical – get divorced. If one of you follows a lot of rules and has a strong set of principals while another one just doesn't give a fuck about things – get divorced (but the real question is why the hell did you get married if you don't have anything in common?). On the other side, if you can tolerate and respect your partner's ideas, even if you don't share them – it makes sense to save the marriage, just remember not to discuss certain topics to avoid arguing. If you have different goals in life and career aspirations, I.e. you are a success-driven stock trader or marketer, while he is a creative person, let's say musician, - you can still be together if you separate your professional life from personal. Just give each other some space: this is the time I devote to my career, this is the time you devote to your career or hobbies, this is the time we devote to each other, so it can work. For sure having common interests is more fun, but still. If emotional connection is there – it could work.

But what if it's not? What if you are connected on all the 3 levels, except heart? Well, flip the coin. I don't really want to advice anything in situation like this. As I've mentioned before, emotional connection is essential to have a harmonic relationship. But what if someone is emotionally unavailable due to past traumas, mental health issues or whatever other reason? It can still work, as far as relationship helps you and a partner to develop and grow together. At least at the certain stage of your life. For example, you can work in the same field or have the same hobbies. When you put your efforts together in what you do – you can achieve greater heights. If in addition to that you have amazing sex and feel secure with each other – go for it, but don't drown in self-deception that your relationship will last forever. One day you or your partner might meet someone he/she is emotionally connected to and leave you for that person. This is life, we can't force the events, all we can do is embrace changes.

Another thing which is essential – being opened to changes. It is painful to have your relationship, hopes and expectations all broken. But, from the other side, relationship will end anyway. Either you break up or someone dies. But if some things are not working out, does it make sense to suffer and torture each other till death? If you keep trying to save relationship, which is unhealthy, you are not just wasting your time, you are stealing your partner's time too!

Sometimes euthanasia is a solution. But, again – free will.

Just remember – flexibility is the key, and there's always rainbow after the rain.