Marriage: Dealing with trust issues
As important as love is in any intimate relationship or marriage, it is certain that none can stand the test of time without the ingredient called trust. I believe that trust is the most valuable component of any true relationship. As expected, trust is not given if it is not earned that is why most successful marriages or marriage counselors will say marriage is all about each party bringing in their hundred percent, not fifty, not seventy-five and definitely not twenty-five percent. Anything less than your individual best effort is not good enough.
So many things can hamper the feelings of trust or cause the development of trust issues in a marriage. The story of my two friends Laila and Joe will shed more light on this. Laila comes from a broken home where she expects all men to eventually cheat on their wives and so she finds it hard to even give Sam, her husband any benefit of doubt. Every move he makes comes under deep scrutiny by her. She told me that she’s basically holding her breath “waiting for Sam to mess up.”
Joe, on the other hand, is dealing with the aftermath of infidelity where Tina, his wife cheated on him with a colleague at work. Even though Tina apologized and they decided to not get a divorce, he says he finds himself unable to move past what happened. He finds himself unable to open up to her or love her as he used to. He describes his marriage as “having been severely tainted by what she did.”
Unfortunately, so many couples out there are dealing with similar problems, issues that revolve around trust for their partners. The truth is that if both partners don’t address this issue with all the love and clarity of mind that they can, the relationship will eventually crumble. So the big question is how to deal with these trust issues.
For people going through the same situations as Laila, I usually advise to let all their prejudices go. You’re only hurting yourself and your partner more by letting your past control your present. Going through life expecting people to hurt you is a truly sad way to go. You’re not being fair to your partner and you are definitely not being fair to yourself!
For those who like Joe who are healing and learning to re-love those who caused them this hurt, I want to tell you that you are truly strong. No matter how much you try, what has happened has happened. You can’t wipe it off your memory. You just have to find a way to give this incident less power to hurt you. Remember why you fell in love with that person in the first place. Try to re-ignite this love. Give them another chance to make up for their mistakes. If they are truly sorry, maybe you can have an awesome marriage again. If however you do not believe that you can ever look past what they did, then maybe it’s time to say your goodbyes.
You know what makes a successful marriage in my opinion? Trust is one small part of it yes, however going into a marriage with the belief that it can't be just "thrown" away, or you can hit a "reset" button anytime something goes wrong is what makes a marriage last.
In some cultures such as the US, I believe we have grown into a society that allows ourselves to throw things away too easily, including marriage. Instead of fixing what might be broke, reuse, or make better we believe we can just toss the shit out the window and look for something new to replace it with.
If we are talking about marriage, the marriage should have only happened once the couple both have come to fully trust each other 100% and have committed to a life long adventure regardless of heartaches and shitfalls that might and will come their way. Sounds so simple doesn't it? Marriage should be simple if you truly think about it.
Love is like rose......only plastic roses are fixeble and remain forever. Marriage is only belief antiBuddha doctrine. Be real, live in moment and accept you never know where the wind of consciousness will move you.
My two bits on marriage - I think the most important thing in any successful relationship is compatibility. Feel free to critique.
All of us feel betrayed at one time or another in our lives. When we dwell on the past it takes over our lives. Let it go ---- let it flow! Good advise, msgivings!
You may not agree with me @msgivings, but I think that once trust is broken, it is impossible to get it back, at least that's how I think.
I agree, I think it is impossible to get it back.
"Going through life expecting people to hurt you is a truly sad way to go. You’re not being fair to your partner and you are definitely not being fair to yourself!"
This is great and I agree!
Trust is truly the foundation. Without it, you cannot build.
Trust is a MAJOR issue. I think that if you don't find your soulmate after a certain age, you're statistically unlikely to find anyone you can ever trust.
In my experience... Marriages work the best when both parties have known eachother for a LONG time, probably since high school.
Truth is the foundation for all trust. Trust is the foundation for all relationships.
Trust is earned in drips and lost in buckets. Sometimes it is lost forever.
We must all think and act with forethought. Immediate gains can tarnish the past and ruin the future.
This all sounds very abstract to me. For me personally relationship is about value. The value you provide to each other. I have been been married for 1.5y now and our relationship has grown a lot, however we are not having sex anymore, that is a lot of where value is coming from for me and eventually not getting any will kill me. So I will have to leave. That is what is worrying me. While everything is peachy and nice in the end it's about how I enrich her life, but if I can' get what I need I won't be able able to.
I am always surprised how people are so focused on what the other side is doing to others vs to them. All that matters in the end is your life richer with your partner than without. But I am probably just weird and not normal. I would love for my wife to cheat, for that would mean she at least wants sex and I could could deal with the problem.
Interesting.
I believe that trust is the cornerstone of a healthy, loving relationship. Before it is earned, though, as in a new relationship, it is kindness.