Jealousy | The Struggle For Love
Everyone knows it yet nobody likes it, jealousy. Why it’s is important and what jealousy reveals about us and our relationships.
Furious with jealousy, the wife sinks the car of her faithless husband in a river. For hours, a horned husband hides in the trunk of his wife’s car — until he actually caught her with the rival, jumps out of the trunk and started a fistfight.
A young woman gets word of her partner’s hanky panky with another. She then goes to the police and rats out her partner who’s committed several burglaries and muggings. Extreme scenes of jealousy, some of which we read in the news.
Everyone probably knows the feeling of jealousy, an unpleasant sensation that sharpens the senses, makes the blood boil, and spurs the imagination. A mixture of shame, self-doubt and helplessness, anger, grief, fear and need for revenge.
The raw material for the most beautiful works of literature, theatre and film. Jealousy is one of the main motives for murder and manslaughter and everyday fuel for domestic violence.
The feeling is boundless because it lets people do things they would not normally do. E.g. search the husband’s jacket for restaurant receipts, check the partner’s chat records, impels intrigue.
Jealousy | A Warning Signal
Why are we jealous? Evolutionary biologists suggest that it is a natural sensation. From time immemorial, jealousy ensured the care and material resources of the male for the female her and her offspring.
For the male, in turn, it increases the chance to pass on his own genetic material and reduces the risk of misattributed paternity.
What triggers jealousy? It is a fundamental feeling and at the same time, an important warning signal. Jealousy arises in when a relationship that is important to us is threatened.
It usually affects the love relationship, but jealousy can also come into play between siblings, friends and colleagues. An American study showed that even six-month-old babies were jealous when their mother was busy with a doll.
Even a dog shows signs of jealousy when his owner brings a new friend home. Since social networks have expanded their boundaries of contact, you can add friends and live life in virtual communities, “digital jealousy” becomes a problem.
Jealousy | Variations
Jealousy questions precisely what’s most important to us, love, attention, care and appreciation.
Jealousy acts on the soul like hydrochloric acid on the skin, Corrosive!
Jealousy by itself doesn’t exist, but a variety of variants and motivations thereof.
Experts roughly differentiate by severity: The mild form of jealousy flares up, for example, when the husband talks intensely to an attractive woman at a party. When he’s charming her with bright eyes, makes her laugh.
That irritates the wife, who feels neglected in favour of the unknown beauty. But she remains able to act, she could join the two. She could introduce herself to the unknown woman and decide whether to enter the conversation. She could gently pull her husband out of the conversation with the invitation to dance.
Her signal to all concerned, He belongs to me, Period!
An ongoing concern is a hallmark of medial jealousy. Even small situations cause concern. Is my partner talking on the phone again? Must the tennis trainer touch my wife to show her the backhand swing? Isn’t that possible without contact?
There are always newly assumed suspicions that sow doubts about the stability of the relationship. This variant of jealousy often conceals strong self-doubt. Whether appearance, education or charisma — the person feels inferior to the potential rival.
Massive Jealousy? Get Help
Usually rare, but all the more distressing is massive, neurotic jealousy. It feeds on suspicion and anxiety and provides a feeling of permanence, something is wrong! Every movement of the partner is controlled, every insignificant situation is examined for signs of infidelity.
The cause of this behaviour often has its roots in childhood. Many sufferers have found that love and affection are not reliable or can end suddenly. A typical example: The attention of the mother is mainly directed to the newborn sibling. The older child feels benched.
Classic cause for jealousy is the fling. After the experience of an open relationship, this applies to all couples, even to those who had previously accepted the mutual agreement of an open relationship.
The experience of having been cheated often lingers for a long time. A longtime girlfriend had cheated on my best friend. In his now new relationship, he is always afraid that this disaster could be repeated. Those who suffer from massive jealousy should seek professional help.
Moments Of Closeness Strengthen The Partnership
Jealousy flourishes particularly well in partnerships where the need for attachment differs. Triggers are usually men unwilling to bind.
This partner always somehow remains a mystery to the woman, he doesn’t talk about weaknesses, he doesn’t let her in on the secrets of his life, she has to ask herself, will I be with this partner in a year from now?
For any relationship, jealousy is encouraged if there is not enough closeness. The couple hardly hugs in everyday life, sexuality rarely takes place.
Small messages of appreciation — for example, the sticky note on the breakfast table with the words I love you — have not been seen for years. The couple wouldn’t even entertain the idea of walking hand in hand across the marketplace.
The feeling of being someone special for the partner, not to be exchangeable, is lost. Everyday neglect and continued lovelessness but set the sting of mistrust.
When the husband, who otherwise hardly gets his mouth open in the morning, suddenly speaks joyfully and admiringly of the new secretary, of course, all the alarm bells go off.
The self-confidence to be a lovable person, personal independence and the creation of moments of intimate closeness provide lasting protection against destructive jealousy. Low dosage, but the feeling is quite positive.
A little bit of jealousy is a declaration of love :)