Response to "poem to my wife as my cancer starts to win the battle"
Some of you may have noticed the poem my husband (@briancourteau) wrote this past weekend. If not, here it is https://steemit.com/poetry/@briancourteau/poem-to-my-wife-as-my-cancer-starts-to-win-the-battle. The title alone should tell you about my weekend then; "poem to my wife as my cancer starts to win the battle"
It's Monday today, almost noon, and I can hear him breathing, still sleeping in the other room. What's become my normal I realize, is really not so normal after all. Because, you see, I'm listening for his breathing....to make sure he is still breathing.
He has seizures which the doctors say are in relation to the tumour he has wrapped around his adrenal gland. After a seizure hits, he often stops breathing. I've lost count of the amount of times I have literally brought him back to life. One time, about four years ago, I came home to him having a bath, except he was fully submersed under water. There wasn't a ripple in the tub. The water was smooth as glass. I jumped in fully clothed and "heimliched" him until he finally began choking up water. That was when I decided to spend as little time as possible apart; mind you, we always have been happy to be together around the clock, but this was a conscious decision by me out of necessity. I've always been so thankful that we love each other enough to want to spend every minute together though, because I would never want you to think that I'm doing it because I have to. I'm doing it because I want to, because I love him so much.
You see, we were both unhappily married for years; me 24 years and Brian 18 years. We have only been together 8 years; 8 beautiful, loving, exciting and wonderful years; 8 years that I wouldn't trade for anything in this world....except maybe his health. I would do anything to have more time together, but I'm afraid the writing is on the wall, and my love, my life, is getting tired. And because I love him so much, I have to respect that fact. I have to respect the fact that he's tried for so long to ignore the pain, and that he can't do it forever. Sometimes I feel like having a toddler-sized tantrum about it all, but when my own son used to do that, I simply walked away. I'm assuming the same would happen to me, either that, or someone might pull out a straight-jacket.
So, I continue. I don't open the door to tantrums, but that is not to say I don't go out by myself for a long walk and cry. I do. A lot. Because in the end, this is not fair, and I can't do anything about it.
What I can do however, is appreciate every day, every hour, every second that we have together. Not just appreciate, but cherish them. I keep a journal and I write on here, so that I have a record of all of this, because I know one day he will be gone, and although I will never forget you @briancourteau, I know that your fear of being forgotten is big, and it's my job then to keep your memory alive. And I will, for our friends and family, but especially in my heart. Always in my heart.
So I would like to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day, but everyday I wake up with you beside me, is a Valentine's Day. Everyday I have to share with you, is a Valentine's Day.
Everyday, like now, when I can hear you sleeping and breathing, is the best Valentine's Day I could ask for.
(Credit: YouTube, Isaac Tan, Valentines Day 2018)
I love you. Now I know you live outside the norm. You take care of me and I truly worship you. Hugs and kisses. Look I am still breathing
aww you can even make me smile here:)
Happy Valentines Day to you both every day!... We all have witnessed what it really means to be in love!
Thank you @davemccoy! I appreciate your kindness every day:)
I really appreciate how much you love your husband. You hear lots of stories from random people or on tv about the "old ball and chain." It's a depressing view on marriage. It's encouraging to hear your positive view of marriage.
Little known fact: @themanwithnoname can cry. :'(
Praying for you two!
Aww @themanwithnoname...I didn't mean to make you cry, but I'm glad we could give you a nice picture of what marriage should look like :) Thanks for the prayers also...we'll gladly take them!
I wish you both the best valentine there can be ~ being with one another
Thank you so much @livinguktaiwan; I appreciate your thoughts:)
Awesome Lynnie, a great response to a great poem. I just want you guys to know I'm here for you both. Even if you just need a favour or just need to get away. The pool is here to have a sun-day if Brian feels up to it. Love you both and think about all the good times we have had. :)
Thank you so much @deancarter; you are a true friend and we are both so glad to have you here! I'm hoping to take you up on the pool day as soon as possible. Love you too buddy...we have had some pretty amazing times, haven't we?? :)
Heartbreaking @lynncoyle1. I can't even begin to imagine how it feels to wait for something so devastating. I think you two were brought together to experience something wonderful, the love you share, and you can carry this with you. Lots of love to you both.
Thank you so much @leighleigh! I think you are right, and I really appreciate your kindness for saying such nice things here:)
Oh man, yalls story is sure a tough one. You two are amazing, I truly mean that. Your love is so strong, and so are you, even if at times it doesnt seem it. Your tantrum is fully acceptable in my eyes, its not fair what you go through. Its not fair to find your true love and only get 8 short years to love each other. My husband and I met 5 short years ago, both coming out of terrible unhappy relationships as well and I cant imagine ever losing him. Once again, you guys are in my heart, my thoughts and especially my prayers. #fuckcancer
Thank you so very much @smylie2005! I appreciate your understanding of my tantrum idea:)...I think you are empathic of our situation for sure. We both appreciate your kind words, thoughts and prayers.
<3
Your story almost seems like every tragic love story of old, you find love only to have it ripped away. So sorry for what you are having to deal with, but so happy you found each other and had these 8 years together.
I never thought about it like that; Brian is a real romantic and will certainly like your version of things:) Thank you for your kindness; I really appreciate it!
Ahh Lynn! Sending you both hugs, love and healing energy! You both remain in my thoughts and prayers!
Thank you Roger! I really appreciate your words...and we'll take the hugs, love and healing energy!!
It's not often I'll come across something that can make me feel so many emotions at once...
Utter sadness for your plight,
sheer joy for your love,
seething anger at the cruelty of life,
blissful peace in seeing your husband's acceptance.
Your story moves me in so many ways, I cannot help but acknowledge that, no matter what happens, your love will be enough to carry you through. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, believe in the both of you.
Sending up a prayer before bed tonight. All the best.
Thank you so much @aetirnel! Your comment made me cry (in a good way:) It's so true...it's all a real mix of emotions. We both appreciate your words very very much though. Thank you again!