How to Love You..

A sad story that I'm sure no one ever even knew how painful it felt to be left in a way you'd never imagined.

Recently, I met a man named Surya. I know him because my sister attended one of the same campuses. And yes, my sister introduced me to her. I've had a few angkot trips with him when I was in high school. Maybe because I was curious, I finally forced my brother to introduce him to me.

My brother told me a lot about him who is currently studying at a private university majoring in English semester seven. At first I felt, ah he was an adult. And he's too old for the size of the man I like.
Then I tried to brush my tears away.



Actually there is another reason. My sister does not like me close to her. My sister never likes me close to her.
I met him several times.
Ah, no.
I asked to meet him several times. I'm the one who always asks to meet. And I've long been aware that my taste is not that simple. I can not refuse what I really want.
But I still chose to retreat.
Not because of my brother.
There is one reason against me.
Ah no. I just do not want to make her feel overwhelmed.
Why?
He is not in love. He can not fall in love.
More precisely should not and do not want to.

I retreated slowly by not being in a territory with him. I went to college in Semarang. That means the intensity of meeting us will be even less. He is also busy with KKN and thesis.
In that distance it should not be that far -Amount to Salatiga just over an hour-I certainly would not forget her. Because honestly there is no intention I forget him. I just want to widen the distance. I always monitor his activities by looking at the latest updates of his BBM media social media account and his twitter.
And I do not know that I am too late to realize or I am because I have fallen in a long time. I do not know.

Recently my sister sent me something that should surprise me. My sister told me the truth about why I should not be close to the man. About why my sister forbade me to fall in love. To the man.
He is sick.
Malignant cancer attacks his lymph nodes.
I know.
I already know.
I'm just trying not to know.
That's why I chose to retreat.
Not because I do not want to be coupled with someone who has the deadly disease. Not because I feel unable to keep and accompany someone who is sick like him.

Half a year until I finally see him again.
Yes. I asked to meet.
Always me who wants to meet.
I'm always the first to meet.
He was being hospitalized. Yes. I came because he was hospitalized. Though I do not think I'll meet him when he's sick.
But I know it's impossible. I was fully aware, long before I knew him, he had been chosen by God to temporarily carry the burden of the disease. And I really do not know, the word while it will last how long.
All this time. As long as I meet him he is ill. He lives only to survive a disease that can at any time ask him to surrender.

"How's the lecture?" Her first question. He had never asked me anything about my personal problems. Usually we just talk about the news that appears on tv, the dummy of passersby in front of the house, and the trivial things that never offend a personal matter.
"Not really funny. But I think I can be at home. "
"Good to hear that. So now you're on holiday? What is a holiday? "
"Two weeks."
"Nice indeed. Lecture tired right? It would be better for you to spend your time to get some trip for your refresh your mind. The next semesters will be heavier. "
"Not too good. Because you're here. "
I never expected to visit him in a hospital like this. I can not see him lying on a sickly mattress. I can not see him sick. I just can not see it under these circumstances. I am not strong.
I should have just stepped back and did not see him forever.
Why am I here now? I also do not know.

mean you? "" I miss you. and I pengennya spend my time at you. I actually already there are planning holiday to jogja same my friends me. and plan I want to invite you. "I said to be honest. I relief for the first time I was able and I dare to Express my feelings to this man. but I know I should not be so." you can't deal with it. you going same my friends you. you can not go at me. "he never like when there are people who openly stated sympathy and taste like him. especially when I were to say it. only kepadakulah he most reluctant to receive a form of sympathy. because he always take it as a pity." why? "I asked. I really don't like the way reject me. he never agree with all that I want to do with him. but I try to understand. I just don't want to look selfish. although the longer it was the painful as he openly always denied whatever I said." you can what if I suddenly passed out? "questions directly right strikes my heart. during this time I know he sick. but as long as it is also he never let me see it in pain. during this just friends nearby knows. my sister's the class with it was just know that this man sick. that's it." I can't say I would go at you. I just hope can go at you. at least one-time. "" at least once? before I die mean you? "he is male most evil that I know. Ah, no. he just do this to me. he is a good friend to certain people. but not me. Yes, he just bad to me. I know it. in the end I still go with my friends. without him we went to Yogyakarta. supposed to do it's okay. but, I was not at all enjoy our trip this time. instead I prefer to think of others when we are a vacation. but I just can't help it. my brain as forced to continue to remember the man. for the trip to the Yogyakarta, there is no other things I was thinking in addition to cancer and the man. the time we are a walk in the coastal parangtritis, shortly suddenly my brain unthinkable idea strange. I wrote a letter kutujukan to God. the letter I enter into the bottle. and I allowing waves bring look far the letter. I want to hear about his recovery from deadly disease it. I have never know if a letter can be disastrous." Lord, as long as I know. the reason why he did not fall in love. he just in love on thy. love on thee simple, not force, and not rambling. but not as simple as I said to him that I was missed. but I know, with the way revealed love on-MU, I know he loved his Lord with simple. simple applies only to God and his people. he did not forced her love God. he just keep his heart he also not long-winded. he once said to me to love without rambling. how? I asked the time. "pray. 'so he said. I don't know have to pray that what? how? God, let me ask for one thing. God, don't let it life with a pain of it. sepulangku from here, the only one that I would expect is I heard about the recovery of deadly disease that. at least with so I could be brave and more able to be nearby. though if in the end I still don't win his heart. not what. as long as he did not live with pain and shadows of death always he tell me. Lord, if indeed he jodohku, draw near. it's okay now he's not like me. it's okay. I know he could not fall in love. Yes, I know. but not what. I just need close. and as long as I can see it, not what. it's okay now he did not reply feelings. I know he did not want to fall in love. Yes, I know. but not what. I just need close. and as long as he is still there in the world, it is not what. I want him. but I know, I can't force. Lord, if indeed he just extras in my life, still let him close to me. but, let me their own save love before he was aware of. it's okay he still can't like me. it's okay. it doesn't matter if eventually will remain painful. it's okay if he did not reply feelings. it doesn't matter if in the end only I would hurt. it's okay. it doesn't matter if finally only I will keep wound. not a problem. Yes. not a problem for I was able to love. at least I never fall in love. at least I never hurt. I want him. but if he still can't with me. not what. I will still happy to see it. Yes. at least I ever happy because love him. this is the way I love him. so it's okay." I home from Yogyakarta three days later. I went straight to the hospital. but the rooms that he live been changed the patient. he returned yesterday. so said sister when I asked to the administration. I don't concerned about anything that time. I am grateful he has been brought home. so, I directly to go home. I think he has been recovered from the attack. at least that's what I want to know.

I just got home. Meet my sister and tell me about what I do in Yogyakarta. Including the letter I wrote. Somehow the contents of the letter I memorized to the outside of the head. Finished telling the contents of the letter, my sister was crying. What sad is that me? Until my brother cries for my unrequited feelings?

The next day I returned to Semarang. There was a sudden meeting from the Student Association I had attended. Before the trip to Semarang I took time to call him. But until the seventh phone call there was no answer. His status is connected. But there is absolutely no answer. The last time the ninth was the operator who answered. The phone is off.
Maybe he's taking a break. He needs a lot of sleep. As soon as I told myself. I just do not want to think badly.

My sister asked me to stay in Semarang only. My sister does not want me to be tired. So he said. I obeyed. Although I really want to stay home until the holidays end.
After two days in Semarang I started to feel something that is bumpy. I do not know why but there seems to be something that drives me to go home and meet that person -Surya-to his home. I can hold my return until one week later. And finally I gave up and went home.
No. I'm not coming home. But I went to his house first.
I feel the need to come.

I just came. Standing in front of his closed door.
I knocked on the door with anxiety that did not disappear even after her mother told me to go inside.
A wonderful surprise. I was greeted by a news that was either relief or suffocating. I do not know anymore.
She's not sick anymore. That's a great relief.
The pain in her body that I asked of God to be removed from her body no longer gnaws at her.
He was free from the deadly disease.
God. God is omnipotent.
Not.
He is not against the deadly disease.
He was killed and forcibly released from the disease.
He's gone.
Far away.
Far away.
Far.
Far.
Until I can not calculate the distance.
Until I could not stretch my foot.
One billion pairs of legs, will not be able to reach it.
He left, an hour after I left the hospital. Before I go to Yogyakarta. Before I could write a letter to send to God.
He's gone.
Before the letter I wrote. Before the letter comes down to God.
Before I even thought about making a letter to God.
Because without that letter, God the All-Knowing has given a tempting country. To the man.
Not for me.
Because I want to be selfish. I want him released. But neither is it shut down.
And the fact that he's just left a last painful memory, that's the most oppressive part.