Emotions

Dear S,

I have no expectations of you, however, I have realized there are certain things I need in a man. If you are not able to provide it for me, I am not able to move forward with you. Romantically, at least. 

I need someone that doesn't shy away from my emotions. They are not always pretty and easy to deal with, I know. But, they are real. I don't want to be grouped and classified as a crazy, irrational woman because of them. I am not. I don't act on my emotions, but that doesn't mean I don't feel them. I do feel them. At the fucking core of my being. Right now, they have a lot of power over me. I've been shamed all my life because I am emotional. Because of this, I've done my best to hide them. I'd tell myself if I was emotional, I wasn't worthy of love. No one wants an emotional being. They are too much. I told myself these lies over and over again. And repressed my emotions, only to have even bigger emotional episodes when I couldn't hold it in any longer. 

I've been fighting my emotions for as long as I can remember. All those years of resisting have been pointless and I am tired. This is me. Emotions and all. I realize I need to work on better managing them. The first step is to allow my emotions to pass through me and learn to not attach. This is a process. One I have begun working on. When you tell me to stop crying or that I am not being logical when I am emotional, it takes me back to the days of feeling like I need to hide my emotions. And that is not helping me. 

You have emotions, too, you know. They don't look like mine, but emotions all the same. Yours tend to be pride and anger. Those are emotions. And when you allow them to take over, I do my best to show you even MORE love in those instances. Our emotions are based on deeply rooted fears, and I want to create a safe place for you to express them. I only ask the same from you. 

Love,

Johannie