wednesday

Oh to blog again... What I love about Steemit right now is that nobody I know in real life knows I have a blog here. And that's ok. Sometimes I think it's easier to be myself when I believe it very unlikely for anyone I know to be reading. So if I know you in the real world and you've made it this far you should consider yourself special. And this is also code for myself to only allow people special to me to know that this space exists. It's having... something special to share... reserved for... special people. Hah. Giving it this much meaning on the one hand is good practice for how to handle other special things that can be shared (no shame if you also do not special, do as you see fit, do what works for you - insisting that ~ special things ~ only be shared with ~ special people ~ is a form of judgment and shaming. I mean not everything is special to everyone in the same way, etc.)

on the other hand... I laugh to myself a little bit wondering if there is even anyone out there in my real life who will qualify to become aware of this?

I am exhausted and I forgot what I was originally going to write about. I don't know if I can be friends with everyone I've ever dated... one person in particular. Yes, we're honest about all of this but the idea of being friends with them, while I watch them find someone long-term to be with who is not me, seems rather painful at the moment. But I did most of my grieving of this illusion two weeks ago. And that's what it was. It wasn't a longing to be with him - that ship sailed long ago, or it may not have even existed at all.

I feel like wanting someone to love is a universal experience, more or less? So even if we know it's not going to happen with a particular person, the idea of there just being someone in our life who we could honestly say we'd loved is sufficient, especially if we've given up or we don't believe there's someone out there for us.

(it's not that I don't believe, but I don't not believe either... I neither believe nor disbelieve. It's like children - I neither want them nor don't want them. Ever get the feeling that your languages are insufficient for describing certain phenomena? There should be a distinction between not-wanting (opposite of want) and not wanting (lack of want))