and the uncontested message

i started this narrative, upstairs in my closet, in a southern accented voice (i don't know why, that's just how it came out) out loud, to no one in particular, but when I realized the cat sitting on my bed could be an audience I directed it to him. Essentially I wanted to say that I didn't care anymore (that the message has gone uncontested since Wednesday... it's not like it said anything important or requested any specific information .- just a picture from my garden and a simple "how is your week going?") but realized that that was a lie; i do actually care, it makes me a little sad. So instead of saying that i don't care, I instead said that I surrender to the flow. i accept that the flow took me there, took me into his path, gave me four or five days in his city, one day with him, and then took me back out. This wasn't part of my narrative but obviously i wish we had properly fallen in love; this is one of those pivot points in my life and for a long time it was a dream of mine to fall in love and stay in Argentina. But of course, looking back, perhaps I may have been tempted to be someone other than who I really am in order to be with him; maybe i would have cut some things off, censored some things out, berated myself for sending a message when i should have waited (oh wait, that's what I'm doing right now)... but who really is "yourself" and is it not somewhat influenced by your environment? There is no way to know who myself truly would be if I were to use a different language as my first language. Other than to experience it.

either way. i am sad at communication being cut off (because what am I going to say as a follow up? like I want to love him but i also want to take this as a clear "not interested" message and keep moving. maybe i don't have to make any assumptions about it at all and just keep moving forward and surrender to the flow. And maybe ask more questions next time we talk.

ah, but when opportunities and space open up here, in my home state, and I don't even have to make them happen, it kind of answers my question of "what is next?" because it is such an easy fit. Argentina is not quite yet next unless I want to repeat the last twenty years chasing love. I don't. So when the time is right (if the time is right? if i decide i definitely want to do it and the time is right) there will be a way.