Behind the Reason

My smile still beaming, remembering about me and Ka togetherness. In the beautiful sunset yesterday afternoon, how handsome Ka with Ka's modern-looking style came to see me at home. Ka asked Umi and Abah's permission to walk me politely in every word. I was embarrassed and proud of Ka's seriousness that this time was more daring to talk about marriage with Abah. It's just that Abah's slightly hanged answer made me dreamy on the road when Ka rode me on his big bike.

"It's okay, really Abah, our relationship may be too fast to take to a more serious level" Ka said, realizing my residence.
"Ka is ready to wait for Ica anytime" Ka added to my cheek smiling shyly.
Ka, always keeping me calm behind every polite word he says.

We, met a few months ago. At that time we accidentally follow the same reading community. Ka who stands out with his words makes me fall in love at first sight. My silence, keeping a sense of awe at her sociable figure, the way the smile that made the line in her eyes made me often caught watching him. I just bowed my head when our eyes met each other. A week later, we then smiled back at each other, starting the conversation even though just a name. I was even confused to call his name that was difficult to say in my mouth that can not say R. Ka laughed when I greeted him with a name call is quite messy.
"Just call Ka. I'm older than Ica "he noticed my blushing cheeks.

We are getting closer, we have 2 months of friendships. Ka is getting more and more attentive to me, and vice versa. Ka often picks me up on campus, gives me different kinds of food because my large portion of food is inversely proportional to my body that looks so skinny. Several times I've been to Ka's bigger house, I'm not so surprised, Ka's way of dressing does describe Ka's wealthy family.

Twilight this time different to me, Ka squatting in front of me made me blush at Ka's actions that never occurred to me. Ka brought a bunch of beautiful white roses in his hands. With a narrowed smile he looked at me with a slightly irregular breath. Ka reasoned he was nervous, he even ran from the car park to my place which is quite far away.
"Ica, Ka likes the same Ica. Ka may not be the best for Ica, but if it's okay, Ka will try to be the best for Ica "Ka said, making me almost shed tears.
I nodded.

The knock on the bedroom door woke me up about Ka. Abah called my name from behind the door of my room I accidentally locked from within.
"Wear nice clothes. Your veil also you wear embarrassed as a potential candidate "said Abah, I cringe do not understand, I want to ask some things to Abah, only Abah straight shuffle left my room.
Candidate? Many questions filled my brain. Is Ka ?, I thought that made me smile by myself. Some clothes in my closet just casually. I want to look neat in front of my Ka. My style in front of the glass swaying right to the left makes me sometimes giggle myself so strangely. My choice is fixed on a white lace robe with a matching pasmina hood.

I walked out into the living room to meet my brother. Ah my heart almost jumped out was so nervous. I gawk, when my legs come between the people who are gathered in my house. There was no Ka there, nor Ka's parents I had met before. There's only Abah and Umi, and 4 other people I've never even met before. Everyone was watching me with a smile painted on their faces. I'm just silent, still do not understand what's happening now.

"Ca sit next to your Umi" said Abah wiping the silence between us.
I obey. My attention was on the man of my age who now kept looking down as I looked at him probing. It's almost 30 minutes Abah, Umi, and also others are talking to and fro. Only me and the man who kept silent, or just me who do not understand the circumstances that are going on ?.
"Abah" I called, instantly the warm conversation between them stopped. Everyone is on me, except the man who still keeps his head down.
"This is Umi Nur and Abah Idi, and this is Ni Tea, they are father, mother and brother of Nak Adam" Abah said as if to understand my calling for explanation.
"Abah and Umi want to match you" now Umi turn that makes my heart will be dislodged.
I'm just silent. My thoughts are mixed up. I wish I had opposed Abah and Umi, it's just that I did not dare and be uncomfortable with a guest who had come so far to my house. I thought Ka, what about Ka? Bagimana with our dream ?. I looked down, holding back tears.

"Abah Ica's got Ka. Anyway Ka is good, polite, and also from a wealthy family. Ica must be happy "I said, holding back tears.
"Abah and Umi know. Abah just wants Ica not to choose the next step. Marriage is not a plaything lohh ~ "
"You have everything!" I yelled in tears.
"Son of Adam is smart of religion" shrieked Umi.
I bowed, unable to answer. The relationship between me and Ka is almost 5 months, it's just that I never see Ka performing the prayers and also recite in front of me.
"Ka is also probably clever religion. It's just that Ica never saw it "I whispered that I even believed was not heard at all by Abah and Umi.
"It's up to Ica. Abah and Umi cuman want best for Ica "Umi said, then passed away leaving me. Abah went too.

My wedding news spread to Ka's ear. Twilight as usual Ka knocks on my bedroom window, unlike Ka who always asks for permission if you want to meet me. I was in high sobs as Ka tapped my window repeatedly. We paused after a few minutes, Ka kept staring at me with a look that I could not conceive. I looked down, apologized and hurt.
"It's okay, Ka understands. Ica can not disable Abah and Umi "Ka said, making my tears burst even more. In my heart, I want Ka to keep me. Ask Abah to stop this unilateral matchmaking. But Ka, he was too understanding. Or maybe Ka did not want to keep me. I kept crying in sobs. Ka was still watching me through the window I opened, he did not make any noise or cry.
"Ica, Ka is obedient to the religious beliefs that you profess. Even so Ica .. "Ka said to make me look at him.
"Maybe this is the best for us. Ica with the faithful. Ka was so .. "added Ka who made my question answered.
"Ka is not a believer with Ica?" I asked reassuringly.
Ka nodded. The deeper the wound, the more likely it is for this matchmaking. The reason I hoped Ka could talk with Abah, to defy Abah and Umi well, was lost.

One third of the night I woke up, my roof of a lounger in front of my bed. I do not see the figure of the man who has become my husband this week. Behind the light of a slightly dim light, I found Adam who was kneeling in front of his long prayer mat. With a simple koko and sarong suit that has been eaten by age. Adam looks kusyuk interact with the halik.

Adam is a good man. He has a polite conversation like Ka. Apparently he was handsome, tall and he was a hard worker. Adam never left the obligatory prayers, prays dhuha and tahajud was never missed from the list of obligations. Every Monday and Thursday I've never met Adam eating the breakfast I made, he just drank water and some dates. Adam is also active in the maintenance of mosques every Friday. There are many things that amaze me about the man who has my husband status. It's just that Ka's shadow can not be removed. As good as Adam's treatment of me, I remain silent. My daily activities only serve food, prayer and sleep. Our conversation can be counted on the fingers, or even Adam who talks to me. Adam was still smiling, behind my face, thinking about Ka every day.

I thought of Umi and Abah's decision to marry me to Adam who had a simple social status. Adam's job as a construction worker and teacher of the Koran, is only able to meet our kitchen and electricity needs. If you see from Ka, certainly inversely. My eyes seemed closed to Ka's surplus, Adam's good attitude was just a glimpse of the line that had missed my pic.

"Umi why match Ica with Adam?" I asked Umi.
"Instead of saving the reason, Ica will someday know"
Reason. Until now I have not found it yet. The reason why I should be happy with Adam. All the reasons that are in my brain are just Ka. Ka, and always Ka.

Dawn had dawned, early in the morning Adam had left me to look for dollars as a construction worker. My daily routine is still the same, just sleeping, eating and daydreaming. Nothing special from my marriage life, I still do not say much, while Adam still applies to me.

Some people walk into my house in a hurry. I can see it clearly from the window glass of my room. My eyes stared at the familiar figure raised by some men with faces that grimace in pain. I panicked, running toward that person I believed as my husband.
"Why are you?" I asked worriedly at Adam who was now lying on the bed.
"I'm falling off the stairs, it's okay soon to be healed" he insisted on a smile, but still I saw clearly the pain he could not hide.
"It's all right. You can not walk, this is serious "My anger responded with Adam's smile widening.
"I'm glad you're worried" Adam said, making me stare at him who still tried to treat me well.

Two weeks passed, Adam's condition did not improve. Adam still can not walk, I'm getting frustrated. Plus the financial condition that no input and also the treatment of Adam who spent a considerable amount of money. I was crying in the bathroom, blaming me for not being able to challenge my matchmaking with Adam. Instead of being happy, I was getting harder because Adam could not walk. These two weeks I'm almost entirely unable to sleep. Regret and anger touched me, I thought more and more about Ka. Miss him, imagining the happy life I would have if I married Ka first. I feel guilty to Adam, behind the test I still miss the figure of another man.

Adam still smiling, he still treats me well. I often cried in front of him because tired, he kept apologizing. His good treatment added to make me want to leave. Every time Adam was still performing the prayers, only the fast on Thursday we could not run as before. Adam never troubles me, I make it harder. My lack of acceptance of the condition makes me more frustrated and surrendered.

"Ca Ica really cry" Adam cried at the sound of my cry that now I can not control as usual.
"I'm sorry Mas, Ica is getting harder" he said in a shaky voice. I am increasingly adding to my tears, no matter how many meters away.
"I'm tired" I said as I walked towards Adam who I met was crying. My heart sliced, I just met Adam manangis during our wedding year.
"Sorry mas can not be happy Ica" added Adam while holding my hand. I looked at Adam's face, too much anger at him, too much regret in my mind to him. But he still understands and thanks God. I never met her sores, the pain. I do not understand the figure of the good man who was in front of me. Still, I still can not accept it, accepting all his good treatment towards me.

One third of the night I woke up, I panicked to see Adam who was not in bed. I was afraid of something happening to Adam, but his figure now kujampai prostrate on the omnipotent in the long prayer mat that I like.
"Ca" he called me that had awakened. He smiled.
Adam holds the wall as a buffer to stand. I gawked, holding back tears to meet Adam who is now standing in front of me.
"Look, mas can stand now" he said, I shed tears. My heart trembles, thanks to God for the healing that has been with Adam for a long time. I went over to Adam, hugged him and cried on his shoulder. The happiness I have never felt in my life right now.
"Sorry mas, I'm too evil to you" my sobs tight.
Adam stroked my back. As if to reply to my statement. I know he is a forgiving person. How angry I am, my regret, he always forgive me. A figure who should be able to make me happy and grateful for I have.

Behind the reason, destiny
I found it
The simplicity I learned
Unselfish sincere behavior
Being grateful to God
And the sincere love of ordinary men

"Mas want to ask what the same Ica ?. So far Ica can not be a good wife "
"Mas wants Ica to wear veil"
"Is not it the husband's responsibility to have a wife come closer to Him?"
I nod, a simple request but has a special value.