Unconscious Relationship

In the early stages of many relationships, role-playing is common. Both partners usually are not being who they are and they play roles to attract and keep one another. The unconscious agreement they have is: “I’ll keep playing the role you want me to play, and you will keep playing the role I want you to play.” The agreement is unconscious and so is unspoken. But keeping up with the role that is being played is hard work. Hence, the roles cannot be sustained. Role-playing drops when they start living together. Then both partners seem to be watching Discovery Channel. Discoveries about the other person keep hitting them. What do they see? Ego in its raw form not covered by role-playing. And what do they feel? Anger towards each other. In this situation you blame your partner for not removing the fear and sense of lack you had before the relationship. But the fear and sense of lack have always been with you; they were obscured by the dysfunctional relationship you have.

There is no true love in the relationship, hence, it is dysfunctional. This is why the relationship oscillates between “love” and hate. The love you felt at the beginning now turns into hostility or withdrawal of affection which can happen in an instant. Some couples get addicted to the love and hate cycle of the relationship. The drama makes them feel alive. As time progresses, the negative cycle increases in frequency which finally leads to the collapse of the relationship. The “love” in the love and hate cycle is not true love. True love does not have opposite. It does not arise from the mind but from beyond it. The “love” and hate are actually two sides of the same coin – the dysfunction.

I am not not proposing you avoid relationships in order to avoid pain. Whether you are in a relationship or not, the pain you have is there. This write-up is rather asking you to awaken, to be conscious. It is asking you to bring your presence to your Being. This helps you to be present for your partner in a relationship without wanting to manipulate him or her. And you give your partner attention and space, space to be. Not space to be what you want him or her to be but space for him or her to simply be. Then the love in your Being will manifest as true love. If your partner is also conscious, both of you will have a relationship that can be truly called a love relationship. If your partner is unconscious, it is either your consciousness draws your partner to consciousness or your partner leaves you. Unconsciousness cannot stand consciousness for long. Instead of blaming your partner for leaving, you feel compassion for your partner. And as for you, your consciousness will most likely attract someone else who is conscious. The result is a better relationship.

Relationships with true love are rare today. Maybe it is because conscious individuals are rare.