Challenging Love to Be Unconditional - Part 37

SEPARATION

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Birthday Intermission Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Intermission No. 2 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Intermission No. 3 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36

Quinn took a trip of his own without me in about 2009.  It was the first time we had really been apart since he moved in with me a couple of years earlier.  He had the chance of a lifetime to sail with his cousins and uncle to The Sea of Cortez.  It was a guy trip as they had done many trips before.  Of course he was going to go, even though he had no real idea how long he would be gone or when he would be near a phone to give me a call.

I was super stoked for him, as I could feel his excitement.  I wasn’t so sure about me.  I could already feel his being gone would leave a huge hole in my daily existence.  Who would I feed with my fingers?  Who would I shower with?  Who would I sleep with?  Who would I wrestle and play with? …. I didn’t know anyone who spent more time together or who enjoyed it as much as we did.  To be with someone nearly every second of the day was really quite extraordinary.  Now I’d get to see what life was like without him again.

I took Quinn to the airport and it was like sending my heart flying off through the sky.  What was I going to do without my heart?  There was some serious adjustment to be done to my life if I was going to be without him for an undetermined amount of time with no contact.  Aargh!

It took me a good couple of solid days to know what to do with myself.  I knew that waiting for him would never do--wait until when?  I didn’t have a “job” to keep me occupied or on a schedule to keep me distracted.  I didn’t easily fall back into my ways of old like when my was-band was away.  Now I had grown accustomed to soooo much delicious togetherness--I could feel withdrawals coming on.  Hmmmm...was I addicted?

I took some deeeeep breaths, and carried on with the things we had in flow like the garden, composting and such.  I immersed myself in a lot of creative expression like dancing and art to keep my spirits lifted.  I spent more time with my kids and his mother, and I did a lot of introspection to consider how attached I had become to this incredible Being.

I got a call from Quinn one day out of the blue!  He had been sailing out in the open sea, seasick even while taking his turn at the helm - what a die hard!  We didn't talk about what he or I had done, where he had been, or about his uncertain return.  We did, as we mostly did in each other’s presence--simply sat in silence together and breathed.  

I didn't want to waste a single moment of our precious togetherness talking about things past.  I knew upon his return his mom would ask a bazillion questions and I would hear the full download of his trip.  For now, I was just so grateful that in this moment my heart had come back to my body, more fully, more relieved, and more joyous than ever.

 I had already come to know that attachment could reek havok in my life and wasn't good for me.  I had once been deeply attached in my marriage, and went through a very painful time letting go.  Other attachments I had been working on seriously since I met Quinn, gaining insight into some of the things I realized were just ideas based on fear, insecurities, and desires.

I considered my attachment to Quinn, and though couldn’t really seem to shake those potent desires to be with him, I did examine my ideas about him being away.

In high school I read “Your Erroneous Zones” by Wayne Dyer.  There was one thing that stood out to me throughout time that I have referred to on many occasions.  The gist of it was this:

Say for example, you were away on a vacation living it up.   While you were gone, your beloved Grandmother, whom you loved dearly, passed away.  No one told you about it until your return.  Upon finding out you were extremely distraught and sad about her passing.

Remember that your dear Grandmother passed while you were away.  She was already dead while you were drinking margaritas on the beach and dancing until the wee hours of the morning.  So essentially, it wasn’t her death that upset you, it was your thought about her death that caused you grief.

So, I had been aware for decades that things in and of themselves were not actually the problem, but that my reactions and feelings about them were the problem.  Though I could perhaps not change the circumstances, I could change the way I felt about them.  

So, if I applied that awareness to Quinn being away, I could easily see that his absence wasn’t actually the problem, only my thoughts about it were.  I could see that if I was truly present in the moment of now, I would be fine whether he was gone for potentially weeks on end, or simply across the property out of my immediate presence.  Any sad ideas and thoughts about how long it had been or how long it would be before I would see or talk with him again was beneficial to examine, and ultimately helped me greatly to move through this time of separation.

Thank you for reading my blog and for going on this journey with me toward Unconditional Love!

Stay Tuned for Part 38

Get in on the series from @saramiller about her own intriguing  personal experience at the @gardenofeden.

Check out the @gardenofeden website too.