The Break-Up

We planned for weeks that I was going to stay at his house while his parents went to Scotland. Things seemed alright up until a week before I go to his place, he had this weird tone as if I pissed him off but every time I asked what was wrong he would always reply with "nothing".  I knew deep down it was nothing but there was this little thing inside of me that believed him.

Fast forward to the day I get to his, everything is going great, I started to believe him more and more. We were laughing and having a fun time together. We get tired so we go to bed to get some sleep and then *BOOM* I wake up having a massive panic attack. I was struggling to breathe properly and I was shaking a lot. I manage to get through the panic attack but I can't get back to sleep to I lay awake for a good 2/3 hours then he kicks me off the bed when I haven't slept at all so now I have to sleep in the freezing cold on a really uncomfortable couch with a bad back on my own in the living room.

I get woken up two hours later and then we start planning to go to the cinema to watch 'Love, Simon' based on the book 'Simon vs The Homosapien Agenda'. After the planning we just sit in silence for a good hour during that time in the only one starting a new conversation with them quickly ending. After that boring hour silence, he moves over to the bed and asks me "Do you think there is a spark there anymore?" and I just start getting really emotional, I'm finding it really hard to fight back the tears as I knew for a week that something was up and after the night before I thought everything was fine but instead I had a false sense of hope that just shattered into a million pieces in an instant. He said to me that he still wanted to be friends because

The Text

So weeks had passed and I haven't spoken to my Ex, I then get the courage to message him to see how he was doing as I knew he had tests coming up that week. He replies with really short messages as if I pissed him off. So that was the end of that conversation. A few more weeks passed and I get a message from his sister saying "*said person* doesn't want you to come to the leaving party", (His parents were moving to Scotland and he was going for a month and then coming back for University) I then took a step back and just found it weird why he couldn't just tell me that. Sure it may be a little awkward but it's not really a difficult thing to say. I then ask him what was going on because something didn't seem right. I keep asking until I got this response ... "I don't like you. Just I didn't have fun around you. I felt really bad when we first met and how you said that nobody liked you and everyone on tinder didn't talk to you I felt bad for you so I said I'd go out with you" ... Ladies and Gentlemen ... this is not how to tell someone you didn't like someone because you will cause heartbreak that feels as though you can't recover.

I loved this person. I risked my mental heath to travel places I've never travelled to before. For me to feel like a complete idiot. Even though each day is getting easier it still hurts me the same when things remind me of him.

I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you.

I'm sorry for making you lie to me.

I'm sorry.