The Love Languages - Power to Delight or Destroy
https://ashj69a.wordpress.com/2018/02/17/the-love-languages-power-to-delight-or-destroy/
The Love Languages identified and analysed by New York Times best seller, Dr Gary Chapman in his book, "The 5 Love Languages - The Secret to Love that Lasts", are true, genuine and tangible, and how we identify them, apply them, and how they play out in our daily lives will have a profound effect on not only your personal development and maturity, but on the quality of our relationships. Especially the relationships with people who are close to you, or that you want to be close to.
According to Dr Gary Chapman in his 1995 book, (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/), there are 5 secret love languages that are a key component of any successful marriage or relationship. It (love) is an intrinsic requirement of the human psyche, akin to the need for food, water, or oxygen. Dr Chapman is quoted as saying, "Something in our nature cries out to be loved by another. Isolation is devastating to the human psyche. That is why solitary confinement is considered the cruelest of punishments.”
Although Chapman's original book was intended to focus on the marriage or couple relationship, the theories and principles of his love language analysis have now clearly extended well into general societal relationships between everyone we need to engage with on an intimate, close level. The love languages are very real and relevant in learning about what makes another person tick, what floats their boat so to speak, and in particular, engaging with family, friends, loved ones and even work colleagues and acquaintances. If someone does not matter to you, or how they act towards or not act towards you is insignificant, then the need to delve into the love language of that person is irrelevant. But for those closer, more meaningful relationships in our lives, the importance of knowing each others love language is paramount for a fulfilling, steady, and long-lasting relationship with that other. The importance of knowing the love language of others, and of yourself, is an art-form and a work of magic, and once revealed, can make all the difference in enhancing these relationships in your life forever.
Dr Chapman describes the love languages as mankind's emotional communication preference. As mentioned earlier, I believe these 5 love languages are as intrinsic to our spiritual and physiological identity as our breath, or our need for water and food. Chapman identifies the 5 love languages as:-
Words of Affirmation - (Using words to affirm other people)
Acts of Service - (Where actions are more meaningful than words to a person)
receiving Gifts - (Where receiving a gift makes a person feel loved)
Quality Time - (Giving a person your undivided attention)
Physical Touch - (Where appropriate touching makes a person feel special and loved, could be a hug)
I had an acute awakening of just how real and tangible these love languages are recently, after a verbal stoush with a close friend left me profoundly hurt and angry. The verbal lashing I received seemed to come from nowhere, was sudden and unexpected, especially in light of the context of the conversation we were having at the time. The episode was so intense and emotionally charged that it sparked a desire in me to delve deeper into the love languages and explore how they play out positively in people's lives, with the power to delight and dazzle, or how they can play out negatively, and ultimately destroy, degrade, and diminish others.
What I have learnt is that we all have some or a little of each of the 5 Love languages in us, but we only have 1 or 2 main love languages. Dr Chapman calls our main love language, our Primary love language. This is the one thing that means the most to you as it plays out between you and someone else you care about. We can also have a secondary love language, which whilst still important to how you react, feel, and treat others, does not have the same bearing on how you react emotionally to something another does or says to you. There is a tool on the 5 Love Languages website (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/), where you can discover what your own love language is.
Essentially, our primary and secondary love languages are a switch. This switch allows us to engage in emotional communication with those close to us. What I have learnt is that we CANNOT turn off that switch for ourselves. Its part of us. However, when we are dealing and interacting with other, we CAN activate their switch in order to engage in meaningful and positive emotional communication with that person. Our primary love language is like an emotional sensor, that if activated the right way by the right person at the right time, has the power to delight you, to dazzle you, or to exalt you into an emotional high.
But, but, if that switch, that activates that same language is activated the wrong way, by that person, at the wrong time it can have the complete opposite effect, and has the power to destroy, damage, demean, and diminish us.
If you are familiar with the Star Trek TV series, The Next Generation, you will recall in one of the episodes, or it may have been a movie, where the Android— known as Data— wrestles with the idea of having an "emotion chip" activated inside his brain. This would allow Data to feel, to empathise, to laugh, to love, to be sad, to be happy. Data had observed his human colleagues engaging in these types of behaviours for some time and wanted the chance to experience this array of emotions himself. So, with the help of a fellow crew member Data embarked on an experiment to install and activate an "emotion chip". For a while, things were going well for Data, until there came a time where he felt sad, and lonely, and upset about things. Data didn't react well to those emotions. He begun to realise, there were just some emotions that made him feel bad, sad and depressed. So Data, eventually had the chip removed from himself and went back to being an Android. But Data was better for the experience. Because he got to see and taste what human beings see and taste every day, emotional connectivity. And it wasn't a bad thing. He realised that our emotions are core and central to the what it means to be human. And our love languages are our emotional gateway to each other.
If we are not tuned in to the primary love language of the people we engage with, and you have a close relationship with that person, then what we say or do, or how we inter relate towards that person can unwittingly cause harm rather than delight them. In other words, our own love language can be used against us. Most of the time this is done innocently by the other person, as we would not set out to deliberately hurt those close to us. But our actions and words can and does unwittingly have immense power to destroy others, degrade them, and diminish them, and could ultimately lead to a complete meltdown of that relationship.
Destroying a person with the tongue and with our words, is not a new concept. James wrote about the tongue being capable of starting brush fires and capable of great blessings, yet also great cursing, in his apostolic letter to the displaced converted Jews in 50AD. Here is an excerpt from James Chapter 3, the scripture taken from the Book Of James about the damage words can do:-
"Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!
And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.
For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind:
But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.
Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God.
Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be."
To understand how and why you are affected by the absence or presence of your love language, how it works and how it plays out in every day relationships you need to consider the following two things about the people you interact with:-
How close the person is to you, how connected you are with each other
Based on a set of actions and deeds, what means more to you when you engage with that person.
An important thing to note here when engaging in interpersonal relationships of meaning with others, we must be mindful not to confuse our love language with that persons and in doing so, use our own language to bring meaning to that person. We all do this, most of the time. We innocently engage with other naturally based on what our own love language is, without considering what that person's love language is. For example, say your main love language is Gifts. You happen to notice one evening that your partner, or friend, seems a bit off. They could have had a bad day at the office, or something bad has happened to them. but you sense something wrong with that person. You love and respect that person and you have a meaningful relationship with them so you want to try to make them feel better right?
So what do you do. You venture out to the shop and buy them a nice gift, not an expensive one, but just something small, and that you believe will cheer that person up. You naturally believe that a Gift cheers everyone up right? Because it's YOUR love language, so it must work for everyone, and just the act of them receiving a gift from you will make all the difference to how they feel. So you buy the gift, wrap it up, and write a couple of words on the card and take it home and give it to the person. When you hand them the gift, that gave you great pleasure in getting, they say thanks. Then something strange happens. They rip the card off the packaging, and to your amazement put the gift aside. Instead, they read the card. Suddenly they then put the card on the table and walk off, seemingly ungrateful for your "act of kindness and mindfulness".
You are left scratching your head, wondering what the hell just happened. A person you care about was in need of some cheer and love, so, you did what you thought would lift their spirits right? A gift. ?
Then it dawns on you. Gifts are YOUR love language. Gifts is what lifts YOUR emotions, what raises YOUR spirits. Receiving a Gift from someone is what floats YOUR boat. But Gifts may not necessarily be the primary love language of the person you want to make happy or cheer up.
You see, that friend, loved one, spouse or partner you tried to cheer up, well they have a primary love language of Words (of Affirmation). That is why they went for the card, and were nonplussed with the gift straight away. But as Words are not YOUR thing, you didn't much time and effort into writing alot of nice, uplifting meaningful words. Instead, you wrote on the card something like, "Hope this helps. Love x".
To that person, their primary love language, their primary emotional switch, Words of Affirmation, was not activated. So your act of kindness and thoughtfulness, as beautiful and caring as it was, did not have the impact you had so hoped for. We all do this. And this is not to say that we have to try to alter our own primary love language to suit others. We can't anyway.
What we can do though, is make little adjustments to our mindful thought process in our interpersonal relationships, try to tap into another's love language, and adjust our action in dealing with that person to raise them up, according to THEIR primary love language, not OURS.
To illustrate how our love languages work and play out in our interpersonal relationships, I would like to offer from my own personal experiences and observations the following real life examples. I have not used real names here and have only cited examples based on the primary love language.
Words of Affirmation
If someone's primary love language is Words of Affirmation, this means that they derive meaning and value from being uplifted with words said to them or about them. For these people, words mean everything, not just in relation to their own being, but in general day-to-day life. These words could be in a favorite song, written in a card to them or to another, words spoken over the phone or in person, or words written in a text message or email or a letter. A person's primary love language is the first method they will themselves use to affirm and lift others, but as illustrated above in the Gifts example, this is not always the best course of action. Just because a certain love language is core and central to your own meaning and value, it does not follow that same love language is key to emotional connection with someone else's.
EXAMPLE - (Power to Destroy)
John and Lucy are best friends, They've known each other for years, have travelled together, have shared many celebrations together, and have hung out in social circles with each other for a long time. They were always there for each other in times of trouble also, and had each been an ear for the other when things got a little tough.
John's primary love language is Words of Affirmation. Lucy was aware of this. Words are his emotional switch, his emotional trigger as it were. One day they are discussing an important current social justice issue that they happen to disagree on, which is fine and normal in any relationship. Lucy is very passionate about her view on this issue and is determined to have the final say, and is desperate to sway John to her way of viewing the issue. John feels the same way about his view, but instead of pressing the point with Lucy, rather, he says to Lucy, "Lets just agree to disagree on this one Lucy, ok?". Lucy was not at all satisfied with this abrupt closure of the conversation from John. She began a verbal tirade of abuse at John calling him ignorant, arrogant, rude, and how dare he just close down an argument like that. She followed by calling him selfish and unthoughtful that he would not consider her views. John was at a loss as to why Lucy behaved this way suddenly, as it had never happened before. But John, wanted to maintain his close emotional connection and keep lines of communication open with Lucy as a friend, so decided to cease the argument with her. In other words, he was choosing to quell the storm before it happened. To John, the relationship meant more to him than winning an argument. When Lucy launched into her verbal assault on John, she knew that she could hurt John with Words. She was angry. When we are angry we want to lash out. Even though she knew that Words were John's emotional trigger point, the meaningful switch that could delight him, she failed to realise that her words could also destroy him. Well she didn't fail to realise it. She knew it in the back of her mind, but blocked it out, cause she needed to have the last say AT him. Her tirade had a damaging effect, not an uplifting one. She had activated John's primary love language switch to his detriment and not to his delight.
Acts of Service
If someone's primary love language is Acts of Service, they generally feel good when things are done for them. For these people, actions speak louder than words and these people derive meaning and value from having things done for them by those they care about. Conversely, these people also convey acts of service to others as their main avenue of interpersonal engagement with family, friends or loved ones, or even complete strangers. To these people, things like having a car door opened for them, or helping them with chores or errands, or helping them move house, or with a new project for example, means the world to Acts of Service people. And conversely, they too like to provide acts of service to others whenever possible and needed. Acts of Service and Quality Time can go hand in hand as love languages, but they also have distinct differences in how they play out in daily life.
EXAMPLE - (Power to Delight)
Leo and Chris are good buddies, not best buddies, but they have a strong friendship which was built on a common issue they were both involved in ten years ago. They keep in touch every now and then, have vastly different lives, but respect and care about each other. Chris is aware that Leo likes to help people move things, transport things, or with building projects. Leo has often organised working bees for people he knows might need a hand. Leo also works with kids who are special needs kids and Chris is aware that Leo devotes alot of time in Acts of Service to others. Based on the life that Leo leads, and his observations and discussions with Leo over the years, Chris assumes that Leo's primary love language is Acts of Service.
During a casual conversation with Leo one afternoon, Leo happens to mention that he has taken on a project for another friend, building an access ramp for a wheelchair at the friend's house. Leo has offered to procure all the materials for the job, including picking up the material from the local hardware, then setting aside a weekend to complete the project. Chris is listening intently to Leo as Leo shares his excitement about doing the project. Leo also expressed that he is doing the job on his own and it will be a big job. Leo doesn't ask for Chris's help. Leo is a proud capable guy and would never ask for help, he doesn't complain about what he is taking on, but nevertheless is a bit stressed about the job at hand. Chris happens to have that weekend free. He has the skills and tools and the time to help Leo, and wants to alleviate some of the pressure off Leo. The weekend arrives and first thing Saturday morning Chris packs up his car with all his tools, and arrives on Leo's doorstep at 6.00am. Leo answered the door, still in his PJ's and half asleep, and somewhat surprised to see his mate Chris at the door all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Chris explains why he is there for Leo and tells him to get dressed so they get out onto the job. Leo, is taken aback by the gesture from Chris and gives his mate a big hug of thanks. Together, Leo and Chris completed the project in a day and half and were done before 3pm the following day. Nothing needed to be said. A mate was helping a mate in need. Through the power of tapping into Leo's main love language, Acts of Service, Chris had brought meaning and value to Leo that weekend by activating Leo's love language even though it wasnt Chris's love language. This is the love languages in action in a positive manner and demonstrates how we can deploy someone else's love language to make them feel good.
Gifts
If someone's primary love language is Gifts, they generally feel good and uplifted emotionally when someone close to them gives them a gift. For these people the act of receiving a gift from someone speaks louder than words and these people derive meaning and value from having things given to them. This is a rather tricky love language to navigate or tap into though. You see, although Gifts people feel great from being given a gift, it is more important for them to know that the Gift Giver has put time, effort and thought into that Gift. That's the part that uplifts them. receiving a well thought out Gift from someone is more important than the Gift itself to most of these people. Conversely, Gifts people usually go straight to the Gift as a means of uplifting others and usually themselves put alot of time, energy and focus on choosing the right gift for people they are close to. It doesn't have to be a Gift in the usual sense of the word either. Gifts people just like receiving things from others, but as I said, even a simple little thing given to a Gifts person, has to have alot of thought, time and energy put into it to be truly effective in raising their spirits.
EXAMPLE - (Power to Backfire & Deflate)
Janet and Peter have been married for 10 years. They don't have a perfect marriage argue alot, lots of conflict, but generally strong bond and friendship between them.
One night after a very heated argument, they head off to bed and Peter gets relegated to the sofa. Janet is not happy with Peter, is angry about the cause of the argument and tells Peter she wants some space from him for a couple of days. So Peter, relegated to the spare room away from his wife, decides to smooth things over with Janet and give her the full respect and apology she deserves. Peter was the cause of the argument and he knew he was in the wrong, and that Janet had every right to be angry with him. Peter was well aware of the old adage that a way back to a woman's heart after a fight was to give her Flowers or Chocolates or both. He was also very unaware uneducated as to the true nature of love languages. So Peter goes off to work the next morning and on his way home he stops in at the local florist and buys the biggest and brightest bunch of Janet's favorite flowers, then makes another stop at the local supermarket to buy a huge box of her favorite chocolates. Wraps them both up with bows and ribbons and heads home to Janet. Peter finds Janet in the kitchen preparing the evening meal for the family and he walks up to her with a big smile on his face, hands behind his back. She greeted him kind of coldly as she was still smoldering from their argument. He kissed her on the cheek, said sorry and simultaneously brought his hands around the front and handed her the Gifts, the flowers and chocolates. Janet smiled, took the gift and placed it on the bench, then turned away without saying anything. "What's the matter?" Peter asked with disappointment in Janet's reaction to his gift. "Don't you like them?" Suddenly, Janet turned back to the bench, picked up the flowers and the chocolate, headed for the cupboard where the bin was located, and slowly and deliberately, tossed the gift into the open bin, not thinking twice about it. Peter was gobsmacked and almost heartbroken that Janet had not accepted his Gift that night. His plan to lift Janet's spirits, to make her feel better, had backfired and he was now deflated wondering what he did or said wrong. In the aftermath of this incident, Peter recalled that Janet had reacted in a similar nonplussed way with any gift she was given by anyone throughout the course of their relationship. He had seen her shun other's gifts at various stages of their life together, including birthdays and Christmas. He had it revealed to him at that moment, that Gifts were NOT Janet's primary love language. She didn't just shun HIS gift because they had had a fight and she didn't feel like forgiving him. She shunned his Gift in such a demonstrative and contemptuous way, that it was easy to see how Peter thought it was just her way of punishing him. No. She shunned the gift because Gifts did not bring meaning and value to her emotional switch. Gifts were not her love language. After that episode he decided to learn about the love languages in more depth and was able to discover what Janet's true primary love language was. He never bought her gifts again after an argument. Instead, he took out the bins, washed the dishes, and made dinner every night for a week. He learnt, that Acts of Service meant more to her than a bunch of flowers.
Quality Time
If someone's primary love language is Quality Time, they derive meaning and value from someone giving them their undivided attention, in whatever sphere of life that may be. They love hanging out with friends, chatting to people, relaxing with others, and just knowing that others enjoy spending time with Quality Time people, can truly make that person feel very loved and valued. As Dr Gary Chapman says, "This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention". In today's busy and hectic 21 st Century this love language is a big problem for others who perhaps don't have this as their primary love language, yet have close people who have this as a primary love language. In fact, quality time is important to everyone, and becoming less possible to give. But we always have a choice, always have a way, and we should never stop striving to uplift and turn on the emotional switch for Quality Time people.
EXAMPLE - (Power to Destroy)
Helena and Kathryn are mother and daughter. Kathryn has two young boys aged 10 and 8. Helena is a busy career professional who works in Publishing and the media and loves her daughter and grandchildren immensely. Kathryn doesn't work and has alot of time up her sleeve, but as a mum, still lives a busy life running around after the boys and doing stuff to help her husband's trade business.
Kathryn's primary love language is Quality Time. Helena, whilst knowing and loving every inch of her daughter is unaware and uneducated about the nature of love languages and as far as she is concerned, is a devoted, attentive mother to Kathryn and grandmother to the boys. But her failure to recognise the deeper emotional switch inside Kathryn, the Quality Time switch, had devastating repercussions for Helena, leading to one of the biggest regrets and mistakes of her life.
The two boys were having participating in a school music recital, and an open day had been arranged by the school where the children could invite their grandparents along. It would be a showcase for the children to demonstrate the instruments they had been learning at school over the past few months and the school wanted the whole family to come along. So all the grandparents were invited. Kathryn informed Helena by phone weeks n advance of the performance. She visited her mother twice a week also, and each time had reminded Helena of the event, even going so far as to write it down on Helena's calendar, and also in her diary. Kathryn was aware from her mother's past history, that Helena had a bit of a track record of not showing up to kids events, or forgetting them. Kathryn generally just let these go because she knew how frantically busy her mother's career was and that the time would be made up later on. But now the boys were older Kathryn knew how important it was for the boys to have their grandmother there so they could show off their newfound talents. Kathryn was therefore persistent in reminding Helena often in the weeks leading up to the recital, and also to remind Helena to bring a cake along for a morning tea gathering afterward.
The night before the boys event, Kathryn made a point of once again ringing Helena to remind her about the next day, and not to forget the cake also. Kathryn was looking forward to spending this time with Helena and she was excited for the boys being able to invite their grandmother. The recital was to start at 8.30am the following morning. The next morning Kathryn and the family rise nice and early in preparation for the big day, and a knock suddenly appears at the front door, while the boys were hoeing down their breakfast. Kathryn went to the door and was greeted by Helena dressed in a business suit, and holding a large box in her hands. It was the cake which she had made and decorated the night before. Helena looked somewhat flustered and quickly handed the box to Kathryn. Helena explained that she could not attend the recital this morning because an urgent matter had to be dealt with at work. She further explained that cake took her all night to bake and decorate and that the school will love it. Kathryn did not have a chance to reply or comment, other than to say, "But mum............." . Helena was away, and turned back to say, "Love to the boys, tell them I'm sorry would you." Kathryn was left aghast and bewildered not knowing how should she react to this sudden and inconsiderate behaviour by her mother. Kathryn was then left with the task of explaining to the young boys that their grandmother couldn't make the recital but had made them a "very special" cake to take to school instead.
From that pivotal moment on, Kathryn made the decision not to see or involve herself with Helena anymore. It was her last straw, and even more devastating was that she would not let Helena see her grandsons again. Essentially, Helena from that point forward was locked out of her daughter's life because of that one simple act of not turning up and not putting time with her daughter and grandsons above the time for her work.
The Quality Time love language is probably the most devastating and dangerous love language of them all if not applied in a positive, meaningful way. Children long for our time and energy just to be with them. Our friends, family and loved ones just want more of our time. Yet our lives are so busy that we put Quality Time last on our list of priorities with those we care about because we think it doesn't matter, they will always be there for us. In the case of Helena and Kathryn, Helena made a fatal error that day of the recital by not recognising that all Kathryn really wanted from her mother was her time, uninterrupted, and full of quality. That was Kathryn's primary love language, and that day, the switch was not activated or acknowledged by her own mother.
Physical Touch
This is an extremely profound and important love language to recognise and nurture in someone, especially if the person has had an isolated life with little social contact, and limited conversation. For Physical Touch people, nothing speaks more gently, more heartfelt, more genuine, than an appropriate touch. A light tap on the shoulder. A gentle head massage. A gentle forehead rub, a hug or a cuddle, or even holding someones hand or arm as they get on or off a bus so they don't feel. Appropriate Physical Touch makes someone feel secure, literally, and emotionally and lets a person know that someone actually sees them and cares for them, even in that instant moment. From a recent experience that someone recounted to me, we don't even have to have close relationships with a person in order to tap into this love language. You may not even see that person again, but with just one appropriate gentle touch or hug, you could make the world of difference to their life. My friend recounted this story recently.
EXAMPLE - (Power to Delight)
Betsy is a long-term resident in a local nursing home. She has end stage dementia, is hard of hearing, and partially blind. She is 92 and doesn't have a great deal of mobility so Betsy is mostly confined to a wheel chair for most of her day. She is well looked after by the carer staff at the nursing home, but they are time poor and can't spend alot of one on one time with each resident.
My friend told me she was visiting her mother recently at the same nursing home, when she noticed this woman sitting all alone by the window, in a wheelchair and looking sad on her face. It was Betsy, but at that stage, my friend did not know the lady's name. My friend just observed the lady for a few minutes, noticing how sad she looked, and how helpless and lonely she seemed just sitting there staring out the window in her chair. My friend, being a thoughtful person, and very switched on to what makes people tick, asked her mother if she wouldn't mind sitting on her own for a couple of minutes while she went and said hello to the woman by the window. My friends mum, said of course and watched her daughter go over to the lady by the window. As my friend approached the lady, Betsy, she spoke gently from behind as she was approaching, "Hello. I'm Rachel. What's your name?".
Betsy did not hear Rachel the first time, so coming round the front of the chair, Rachel with a big smile on her face again introduced herself and asked the lady her name. "Betsy is my name." said the woman proudly. "Betsy Malone". My friend noticed remnants of tears in the eyes of Betsy and started up a conversation with the woman while continuing to smile and talk quietly. By that Rachel had observed and realised Betsy was hard of hearing, and her physical impairments were obvious. Rachel engaged Betsy in conversation about her past, about her dislikes, about her time at the nursing home, about who her favorite carers were, about what she liked to eat. Rachel then got around to asking about family, and friends, and visitors. Betsy was a bit confused by the line of Rachel's questioning, and could not remember alot of things. But Rachel was patient and just let the conversation flow where it needed to flow. It took a few minutes for Rachel to realise that Betsy had severe dementia and confusion, with little cognition about things. Under these conditions it is nigh impossible for the person to have a long conversation about anything. But Rachel persisted none the less and ever so gently. Rachel would ask slow, specific and short questions, and allowed Betsy just to answer if she could and in her own time. When Rachel asked Betsy about her family, children, grandchildren, brothers and sisters, she noticed that tears, once again, started to appear down the side of Betsy's face and the sad look came upon her again. Rachel sensed this was a sad subject for Betsy to talk about. She didn't know why, but Rachel suspected that this poor woman probably didn't have any family around anymore, and that few if any visitors came to see Betsy in this place.
At that moment, Rachel had an empathetic instinct to reach for Betsy's clutched hand, distorted and bent up with Arthritis. She gently grabbed a hand, held it in on her knee and began to gently stroke Betsy's hand and forearm. As she did this, she kept observing Betsy's face for a reaction. Rachel then quietly and gently repeated to Betsy, "It's ok Betsy. I understand". Rachel noticed Betsy's face start to light up, her eyes coming to life and then a smile. In that moment, Rachel knew, she had made some sort of connection with this poor, lonely woman.
Rachel later found out from one of the carers that the last of Betsy's immediate family had died 5 years earlier, and that grandchildren and great-grandchildren lived overseas. Betsy only had one person visitor, a friend of an old friend, and that was only every fortnight. Betsy's sole source of companionship now was just the people in the home.
Rachel believed that the act of Physical Touch for Betsy that day, if only for a little short moment, brought Betsy meaning and value. Her emotional communication trigger had been rarely activated, and as her condition had deteriorated it limited her capacities to engage normally with others. Physical Touch was like a magic switch for this lady that triggered something in her brain that once more she was valued, thought about, and loved. For Rachel, this was one of the most profoundly emotional moments in her life and she will never forget that experience.
Folks, if you long for more meaningful relationships in your life, get to know your own love languages. Then get to know other's. We wont' get along with everyone all the time every time, and we will still make mistakes and errors of judgement in engaging with people on an emotional level. Not everyone wants to have these types of engaging relationships, and not everyone cares. But as the need to feel loved, cared for, thought about, and valued are the ties that bind us as a species, they are also our common bond. Knowing your love language and that of the people close to you, or even that of people you want to engage with but are too afraid to put yourself out there, will enhance your own personal development, and make a huge difference to someone else's life.
Love languages and their proper use and application for the good, and watching them play out, can be a truly magical experience. Try it.
Much love to all
Craig Peter DG
ASHJ
