Puppy Love

Happy Valentines Day to the beautiful people of Steemit- or- I mean... I don't mess with that consumerist shit... yeah... right guys?

Hey! Happy days and happy life; sometimes life gets confusing, eeh? I'm really just trying to be part of the pack...

I suppose some honest expression is in order; too often I'm trying to be something for someone else, and I get lost in what I think fits in; it definitely seems easier to blend in.
Recently there have been some noticing in my experience- I like people, no matter how much I pretend otherwise, and even more, I want people to like me.

A question comes up with this: who is the me I want people to like?

See, I find it easy to be likable; I think there's about 85%, maybe 90% of my being that's really likable by most people; this leaves us with a rogue 10 - 15% that most people could go a whole life without wanting to be a part of. Every now and then I introduce fractions of this rogue aspect to test the waters, which usually results in weird looks or people asking me to repeat myself until it's apparent that something isn't registering. Fortunately(?) I'm able to quickly go back to my 85% self and assimilate my other 15% into the social agreement we're currently in, numbing any feelings of rejection and restoring certainty that I will be accepted as we continue. Ultimately I'm left feeling satisfied, but lacking, typically uncertain of what it is I could use more of.

I've had my paws in the muck and the grime, and I've started feeling into my safety mechanism: if I'm not fully myself, I'm safe from judgement in one way or another. Lets say I'm at my 85%, the other 15% being social norms, or a way to assimilate in relation to my pier (i.e. "I can't act like this around my family."); if I'm agreeing to the social norms, I have a cop-out. "Oh, I was just doing that so you wouldn't feel weird," I might say after being judged. Some of the intensity of rejection is able to be deflected, and my ego remains in tact. If I go 100%, I know I'm full monty, and any shame I feel goes direct, heart center- a lot of pain, but seemingly, a lot of gain.

This 100% brings out a few things; among many, it makes it so that the friends I end up with are here for the real me, blemishes and strange antics alike. I stay true to myself, so when I feel myself waiver, I know I'm up to no good- trying to get something from someone. As well, when I connect, it's a real connection I feel to my core; refreshing, satisfying, and liberating. Among the less comfortable side of this, which was touched on earlier, is that misunderstandings are real, rejection is real, the pain is real, with no way around it. I bring my everything in a little glass box for you to do with as you will- and when it's smashed to pieces, ooh it hurts so good.

This pain seems to be important, as well, important to distinguish pain from suffering; pain being the experience of hurt, rejection, or loss, suffering being the clinging to and identifying with such experiences. It seems to me that the more I allow myself to feel the pain, the easier it is that it comes and goes. Yes, it comes easier too, it's not just a one way ticket out of town. That said, the more pain I feel, the wider my spectrum of emotional complexity and intensity, and there is more true joy I'm able to experience so long as I allow myself to let go of the suffering I've clinged onto for so long. The love I feel is real love, made for 100% me, not the curtailed image of me I've edited for your approval (a love that usually feels like it's missing just one something).

This is a recent noticing, as such, integration needs at least 100 takes, but it feels good to see that the pain isn't necessarily my enemy; it seems to be a flashing sign on the way to reality, a door to new possibility, and a gateway to the truth.

On a side note, I've started a new job doing dog-walking; all this true self stuff is hard, and pain is real, the pups will love me however I bring myself.

Thank you, and happy year of the dog!

Cole T. Runyan