From subconscious delusion to heart

I feel the way we perceive others is some kind of mirror into how we see ourselves. I have made an effort recently to integrate more with people and have found my own self identity left feeling either inflated or deflated depending on how i perceive the other person to be or how enjoyable the conversation is yet it soon becomes deflated again once it's over. I find it very difficult to come away from any interaction without a certain amount of residual debris, i have a fear of it. What im really scared of is not really the stress anymore, it is the shame. It is getting to know who you really are which i find a lot of us like to shy away from even though its what brings about true self realisation. Sometimes this can be scary. We all have a dark side, sometimes we fear rejection so much that we avoid everything that could make us feel shame and if we do then repression or projection is a defence, we can subconsciously implement this in the form of judgement that we project outwards. Being able to know this allows you to step back by being non judgemental of the judgements in a compassionate way. Then there’s the over compensation of our non acceptance by being overly nice. We’re all simply looking for love, i believe that the only way to find it is within and for this to occur one needs integrity and strength to go out there and try to be yourself despite all the inevitable emotional debris that’s so essential for growth.

We all have crap days / experiences its how we deal with these that determine our future. Allowing everything to be as it is is the only way through. As soon as you start dipping into self victimisation your energy contracts leading to a viscous circle of hopelessness and despair. It’s an addiction; a delusional sub conscious comfort / pain zone that’s linked to experiences in the past. First a face gets created then it wants to connect to an energetic entity, this is ego; when you forget you are the creator of your reality and allow fear to separate your true essence from your heart. Really we only have two choices we can allow our hearts to be open or we can close. Sometimes the intensity of the feelings is so intense closing is the only way. I find men do this a lot, myself included. I’ve realised why i used to love watching so many violent/ horror films…. to feed sub conscious addiction to closing the heart. There’s either avoidance or escapism neither will help in the long run. We have to come to a point in our lives where we step back and look at ourselves and ask if our perceptions, thoughts and actions are aligned with who we want to be instead of who we think we are. Self realisation is the way to integrate the shadows, the journey is a difficult one. Once you have started to step out of believing that you can fulfil yourself externally you start to have the most beautiful moments, pure magic. That is the faith you can hold when things go ‘wrong’. You then start to have more and more joy, love and energy

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