Alternative Lifestyles: The Many Flavors of Non-Monogamy

As society grapples with the decline of traditional marriage, many people are exploring new relationship structures outside of the culturally prescribed monogamous norm. One of the things that are exciting about delving into non-monogamy is the sheer amount of relationship structures that are available to choose from. To determine the right fit for you, it is important to first understand some of the ways non-monogamous folks have been organizing their love lives. Though it’s impossible to fully capture all of the different shades of non-monogamy, here are a few common relationship styles that are popular among people who practice non-monogamy.

Monogamish
First popularized by relationship advice columnist Dan Savage, this term has come to the rescue of couples who want some degree of non-monogamy in their sexual and romantic lives while remaining socially monogamous. The couple at the center of this arrangement prioritizes each other over other partners who are seen as ‘secondary’. Just as with other forms of open relationships, monogamish couples are transparent about their expectations and desires and negotiate arrangements that are considerate to both/all partners involved with them.

Monogamish arrangements are often filled with rules that the couple decided upon prior to opening up their relationship. For instance, a monogamish couple might consider giving both members of the couple “veto” power over the inclusion of certain partners. For instance, a couple might negotiate that either person is free to have sex with new acquaintances and friends but not with ex-partners. Negotiations around what is permissible in the context of this arrangement are done from the standpoint of what is best for the couple and their continuing relationship. That is not to say that monogamish couples waive any responsibility for treating their secondary partners with care. It just means that secondary partners have a smaller role to play in negotiating the course of the relationship.

Swingers
People wanting to experience sexual but not romantic variety are drawn to swinging. Like monogamish couples, swingers are often “in the closet” about their lifestyle due to religious, personal, and professional considerations. Often meeting in clubs or online, swingers limit their sexual exploration to specific events or venues. Traditionally swinging was used interchangeably with “wife swapping” meaning that swinging parties included several couples who would simply swap partners for the night. However, today as threesomes and group sex are becoming more widely practiced, people who identify as swingers may play with singles as well. Though very similar in mindset to monogamish couples, swingers are often less inclined than monogamish couples to start any kind of romantic connection outside of their primary relationship.

Polyfidelity
Unlike monogamish and swinger arrangements, the poly-fidelity relationship structure gives all members of the group equal status. The fidelity aspect of the label refers to the fact that the group members have agreed to refrain from seeking sexual or romantic connections with people outside the group. Polygamy, an arrangement where one man marries multiple women who are faithful to him and not sexually involved amongst themselves, is a type of polyfidelity.
People who identify as bisexual often gravitate to this relationship type as it gives them license to have two or more primary relationships with individuals of different genders.

Relationship Anarchist

People who identify as relationship anarchists place equal value on their romantic and platonic relationships. Driven by an authentic desire for autonomy, relationship anarchists reject the establishment of rules, structure, and hierarchies that characterize other forms of open relationships. The commitment and intimacies that relationship anarchists welcome into their lives are independent of one another. In short, they believe in letting each relationship develop in a way that feels right for the people involved.