Lone parenting -- a difficult but meaningful journey in my life

I am a mother of three teenagers age 15 years old, 17 years old and 18 years old.

I am also a lone parent, hence all the joy and burden of bringing up my children has fallen entirely on my shoulder and mine alone.

Parenting has and will always be challenging. It can be challenging, irrespective if you're sharing the load with a partner, or in my case, alone. But while parenting is difficult, it is also one of the most meaningful of journeys, at least that is what I felt it was for me.

When my eldest son was born, he refused to sleep unless I cradled him. This went on for six long months. Each time I put him down he would wake up and start crying, but the moment I carried him, he would immediately stop. I remember going through the internet, trying to look for tips from other mothers who went through what I was going through. I was so glad I did not take any of the suggestions out there such as placing the baby's atop the washing machine to induce them to sleep. I realised that not every reading materials on parenting were written by people who were parents, hence do not really know the adverse implications of their so-called ignorant advice to parents who were new to the job. After six long months of looking like a zombie (from the lack of sleep), my son finally dozed on his own bed and confidently too, for what seemed to be hours and hours. I was finally able to get a good night sleep. All it took was patience, on my part. Sleeplessness was a sacrifice I was willing to make for the welfare of my children, and this was proven again and again throughout my parenting experience.

Anyway, I was bracing for the same sleepless experience with the birth of my second child, a baby girl, and my third baby, a boy. It never happened again -- not in the same way. They enjoyed sleeping on their own bed and did not require the constant cradling my first born so craved. Despite that, all three are very close to me right up to this day. Perhaps its because we only have each other and they have no dad to fall on to when things go wrong or awry. I have no answer to that. The only thing I can say is that we love each other a whole lot and I hugged them constantly while they were small. I have never stopped telling him how much they meant to me, even now when they are older and replies me with "yeah, yeah, I know, I know". Despite that, mine are the only nearly grownup kids who still allow me to hold their hands or they hold my hand as we cross the street together, or when I am about to trip and fall somewhere. These are small gifts that results from the unconditional love of a parent, and it transform into love from the children to their parent and to the people around them.

A friend once complained that her daughter needed constant hugs from her and her husband and my statement to her seemed to jolt her into reality. I was disturbed because she made it sound so negative, almost like a mortal sin. I told her then, "If your daughter cannot get hugs from you and her father, who do you want her to seek her hugs from? Surely not other people. God chose you, the mother and your husband to give those hugs." I still see them once in a while, and the little girl hasn't run out of hugs from her parents yet.

I began my journey as a lone parent when my youngest was barely a year old. Hence he never saw his dad, at least not when he has the capacity to remember those memories. Anyway, his dad was always absent when we were still "a team", which fueled my depression. When he finally left, I expected it, but still felt sad for years. I was depressed and has lost all my self esteem because I was also surrounded by well meaning individuals who thought I should get a new hairdo or make myself up to look more prettier and win him back. I felt so plain and it was so tiring living up to the expectations of people who in actual fact didn't even understand what they were talking about.

After several years of mourning my being a lone parent, of being sorry for myself, I finally realised one day that I wasn't depressed anymore, and that I no longer had that longing for a perfect household, complete with a mom and dad and three children. We remained friends, but he wasn't necessary for us to continue living, just as we were not necessary for him to go on living. That sounds sad, but that was the reality of things. To constantly pine for someone who does not really want you and the children will drag you down. Letting go was the best thing to do, for me and the children.

The acceptance didn't make lone parenting easier, but it wasn't really that hard either. I would say that I enjoyed my journey of parenting my children even though I had to do it all alone. And if I had to do it all again, I would. It was a journey worth every while.

I feel like sharing my journey as a lone parent, since there are so many of lone parents out there who may be feeling overwhelmed and tired and hopeless. I hope my story would be able to give a bit of hope because when you're in such a situation, you need every ray of hope that you can find. When I became one, I was surrounded by people whom I thought had perfect marriages and were perfect families. Perhaps some were. But my family, me and my three children, we were and are a perfect family too. Why long for other families when you have your own? Anyway, the constant comparison can bring you down and bring your children down. So don't even start that journey.

One of the things I dreaded was the fever season, which happened several times a year. I remember feeling overwhelmed, especially when one or two or three were taken ill one after the other or all at once. It was a nightmare -- the only thing was I wasn't asleep while having those nightmares. I had to keep awake for days, putting damp cloth on their forehead, trying to control their fever. Being a writer, I once met with a woman who worked as a lawyer. She was fearless and I admired her. And she was also blind. My fear of keeping my children's fever unchecked stems from her experience, which she shared so that parents do not make the mistake of not taking their children's fever seriously. She lost her sight after experiencing a high fever when she was small. "I woke up one day and felt like my eyes have melted. I could not see anymore," she said.

After so many years have gone by, I wonder how I managed to carry all that weight alone on my shoulder. Looking back, I feel like I have always a spiritual support that has lifted me up during those troubled times. They felt like miracles now.

I was jobless when I suddenly became a lone parent. Actually, prior to the departure of my other half, I was already living a life as a lone parent, carrying all the responsibilities of parenting on my own although still sharing the same roof as him. I guess I saw it coming, sooner or later, I thought, it was bound to come. And it finally did. He left and didn't even provide financial support for years and years and still doesn't now. At that time, my youngest was barely a year old, and for the longest time, he didn't think he had a father. He saw his father for the first time when he was barely five years old and I remember him being excited that he has a dad. He was so thrilled to see this stranger who was called his dad at the airport. "I thought I didn't have a father," he told me then. "Now I can tell my friends that I have one." That was one of my saddest of days.

The thing about being a lone parent is you cannot afford not being able to feed your children, give them a roof over their heads, provide them clothing and take care of their needs. I was quite lucky. I landed a job as a writer as little as three months of my other half's departure. It was an ideal post for me since I was able to spend a lot of time with them, while at the same time, do my work. My writing wasn't really the best, but the only requirement my editor asked of me was to write stories that even a 12-years-old would easily understand. He didn't want me to write like a doctorate student and confuse all his readers. That was certainly a boon for me.

Anyway, I was earning a meager salary and it was hardly enough to support me and my three children. Still we got by. I was praying constantly and I remember that praying was the one activity I never ceased doing. There were times when things got really bad -- like the time when my eldest contracted the dengue fever and I had barely MYR500 (approximately USD130) left in the bank. I used up the entire amount for the two weeks he was ill, buying fruit juices (since plain water tasted very bitter for him) so he could keep his body hydrated. I also cooked several times a day for him, so that he could eat, even though it was just a little that he could managed before he felt like throwing up. After nearly two weeks, his red blood count started dipping while his white blood cells surged. It was expected but cannot be allowed to be prolonged. Fortunately, after just a day, his red blood count started rising while his white blood cell started going down. After that, his condition improved even further and he finally got better.

The dengue fever stems from being bitten by an infected aedes mosquito and it is quite rampant in the tropics where we reside. A person who is infected with the dengue fever is often sick for up to two weeks. In severe cases, a person with the disease will cause blood to ooze out of their pores, from their nostrils and eyes and eventually lead to their death. So, it is always traumatic for any parent to hear the verdict that one of their child has tested positive with dengue.

Now, two of my children are in their late teenage years, and have concluded their high school education. One is pursuing his diploma studies and I pray he will be able to secure a job he thoroughly enjoys and finds fulfilling one day, that will also pay him enough. And my daughter is considering her A-levels prior to university. My youngest wants to study hard, secure a scholarship so he doesn't have to burden me with his university fees.

All in all, life has been hard, but I've raised considerate kids who are loving and kind, although they do have their teenage angst once in a while. It is a hurdle we will all eventually cross.

So for lone parents out there, yes, lone parenting is difficult, but not without rewards. Think of the rewards in terms of the smiles and laughter you enjoy together with your children, the sharing, the love, the care. It is far better than gold and better than silver. Believe me. I have lived through it, and I won't have it any other way.