The Confession of a coffeeholic

My name is Cat, and I am a coffeeholic.

Oh yes, I LOVE coffee.

You know you are a coffeeholic when your 6 years old asks you, “Mum, why do you love coffee so much?” and your answer is, “Cos I can’t live without it, Hon.”

My relationship with coffee dated back to my uni years. I am sure a lot of fellow addicts found themselves in the same boat. University life was all about checking out hot guys in the campus café with my bff, going to every party even though you’re not invited, then woke up to severe hangovers after getting drunk on cheap Vodka …

Until one week before the exams.

Everyone starts to panic, meeting place changes from night clubs to libraries and the recommended drink of the day becomes cappuccino instead of Rum and Coke.

In the beginning It was just a causal relationship, we saw each other for a week twice a year until I graduate and started my first job. That’s when I needed to get up at 6am every morning to catch the bus to work. We started seeing each other every morning. He was the first thing I think of when I get up, I couldn’t get anything done until I see him. I Before I knew it my affection for him grew into an inferno that consumed me. I became reliant on him, I would feel sick, agitated, easily annoyed and would miss him most dearly if I don’t see him.

The relationship intensified as time goes on, and one day …

I found myself drinking 5 coffees a day.

This was right before I got pregnant with my first child. And of course, the instant that I found out I was pregnant, the first thing that came across my mind was – how can I live without my coffee?

There are a lot of studies on caffeine intake during pregnancy and although not all that conclusive for low level of caffeine intake, all of them indicated that high level consumption is correlated with an increase risk of miscarriages, low birth weights and still births, and not to mention about caffeine withdrawal in the new born.

Most doctors would say a maximum of 2 cups per day would probably be fine.

But I didn’t want to take the risk.

So, going cold turkey it is.

Going from 5 cups a day to nothing was hard, VERY hard. I had withdrawal headaches, I was tired all the time (that might be just because I was pregnant), and the worse was I couldn’t concentrate. My job requires high level of concentration and I wasn’t preforming.

I am broken, I am drowning, I’m like a puppet without its puppeteer; a robot without its engine; a vessel without a soul. I couldn’t get him out of my mind, I think about him every second. I could not sleep and when I did drift into unconsciousness, I see him in my dreams ...

This lasted for at least a month and it was certainly one of the worst month of my life. I made an oath to myself that I would never, ever, have that much coffee again.

"Is love a tender thing? it is too rough,
Too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn." - William Shakespeare

I am scared, I’m scared to be hurt, I’m scared to love again.

And of course, came my second pregnancy, I found myself going through this all over again.

At the moment our relationship is in a good place, we usually see each other just once in the morning and it’s great. I would still miss him and think about him if I don’t see him for a few days. We are just good friends now but My love for him will never fade.
That inferno inside me is laying dormant waiting to be awakened, yet I wish not to see it ever again.

My name is Cat, and I am a coffeeholic.

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