On a winter rainy day

I had to leave my apartment as soon as possible. I didn’t know why, it just wasn’t right. The feelings, the emotions, this strong and bold rush in my veins, I could not breathe anymore, I had to leave. Fresh air.

Again, in a sadness movement, raindrops were falling on my head. In winter. I say sadly because at this moment, I could hear my footsteps on the snow. This crispy sound on the ground was my favourite winter memory. It still is. As I walked across this empty park, I’m thinking of you again, I’m holding my tears, I’m cold, my heart is a stone. I try to be as dry as the winter was, before it started raining. You see this swing down there, by the playground? Do you remember when we were so young and we could hang around there for hours, we did not have any watches on our arms, we would just know when it was time to go back home and have dinner. If I was lucky, you’d hold my hand until we reach your place. It was not very important neither truly meaningful but in our hearts, it kind of meant the world. Bittersweet memory of a rainy winter day, where I wish my footsteps were still crispy.

I’ll try to find a scientific reason to why are winter rainy days the saddest. There must be something. It’s either the weather that is striking cold, the wind that hits your face, the sun that is missing, and the snow that is melting, even though, we all know, it’s going to be back.

I keep on walking, way passed the corner store. A few years back, that’s where the corner stored used to be, now it’s another shop. This place was heaven, we would walk there to buy candy and ice cream. They sold candy by unit, only five cent per candy. We were the richest kids when our parents would give us a loonie to go to this place. We would head back to the park, where the swing was, eat all of our candies and swing all day, to the point where we would get nauseous. There was a tiny river next to the park. We can still see the river bed today, but there is no more water in it. I keep walking, I reach the street where you used to live. Holding your hand, I would hate the moment where I had to let you go. I never wanted to walk alone; no one walked me back home. I would just run the fast as I could, just to clear my mind.

To this day, I do the same. I leave my apartment in a hurry, trying to breathe a little, because you left me again. Just like last time, just like the first time, you left me standing in front of your house, I run outside to forget that you are gone. I walked in front of a park, but there was no swing. I saw a few shops on my walk, but our corner store was nowhere to be found — and today, I go nowhere with a loonie. I know there is a river somewhere close, but I never reach it. And my footsteps are not as crunchy as they once were. And the rain has stopped. I go back home, it’s a new home, I’ve had a few. Luckily, it’s not raining anymore. I shed a tear, but it’s not sad anymore. I thought of you on what was a winter rainy day.