THIS has to stop
Today, I caught myself thinking the following "THIS has to stop". I was emotional. More specifically, I was in a state of experiencing frustration, exasperation, annoyance, anger and despair; all of which simultaneously wreaked havoc inside myself, my body in that moment.
The thought and emotion was linked to a habit I have been attempting to change inside myself and my daily life pertaining to routine. Doing my best to change what I do, how I do it, the timing, who I am within it and so much more. Interesting how we sometimes anticipate changing an aspect of our lives or a part of ourselves to be something easy - smooth sailing ahead. Yet, upon approach, the moment you're confronted with the choice and action where real change is asked of you: it's tougher than you could ever have conceived. Really tough. Sometimes…beyond tough, into the impossible and you give up before you even tried.
For some time it has felt like a battle ensued inside myself. Wars waging within me and having lost touch with myself on so many levels that I cannot even remember WHY I wanted to change in the first place! When exactly all these internal conflicts, evolved into battles and now facing full-fledged emotional wars leading to breakdowns within myself because I cannot seem to manage this breakthrough of change inside myself and in moments of my every day life. This is essentially what lead me to the above sentence I, to an extent, yelled at myself internally: THIS has to STOP.
The "this" I was referring to was my emotional states about my attempted change as well as who and how I was within it all. I reflected back on the moment I decided to change, why I initially wanted to change in the first place - shocked to find that I had lost my way in this journey towards changing a part of me and my life. I got so wrapped up in my reactions ABOUT THE CHANGE and me not accomplishing it (or shall I say "me not living up to my own expectations" :) ) In this obsession about my reactions towards me not changing, I was distracting myself with the fact that I wasn't change and everything I was doing wrong / bad in my own eyes - I stopped focusing on the change in itself. No wonder the change wasn't coming through effectively…or rather at all.
Back to the drawing board.
Blank slate.
Starting over.
Taking a breath, (a DEEP BREATH lol) I sat down with myself, affirmed a mission statement for my process of change, my goals - aligning them to short-, mid- and long-term and accordingly structuring my 'expectations' more realistically into reality. Rather than leaving my emotional desired expectations to run away with me into my fantasies of change, causing a dire consequence of disconnect from what change really is about when it comes to having to face it and do it in everyday life. This supported me to come to terms with the facts: changing lifelong consequential habits is going to be tough. Not necessarily every day - some days may be easier than others, because of so many other factors influencing and affecting who and how we are in everyday life. I need to take it day by day and hold to my initial vision and goal for change. Not 'take my eye off the ball', my vision, my goal. Not allow myself to get lost in my reactions of NOT CHANGING, but rather assert my focus, my self and my living to the process and daily inch by inch progress of change. Until it is done.
I essentially learned that: it wasn't a THIS I had to stop within the statement "THIS has to stop". It was ME. I had to stop, slow down, take a breather from this internal fight I was wrestling with in my futile (but stubborn lol) attempts to change. When change causes more emotions and issues: stop yourself. Take a breather. Sit down with yourself and look at whether you may have lost touch with your initial course / direction / definition / intent for change and so lost touch with yourself :)
Enjoy
Thank you for your blog. I can recognize myself in the point. When I bring my awareness 'here' when these kind of moments happen, it feels really like poison is running through my veins, through my whole body. It's nasty and venomous, almost like a curse put onto you. What helps for me in those moments is either of the two: 1) accept it and observe it, 'yield to it' while staying in this 'space' that isn't a part of it - in a point of rooting where you don't resist. Or b) 'man up', stand my ground. Realizing this is not who I accept to be. It's like a stern teacher that doesn't fight/suppress it, yet WILL NOT allow to be overtaken by it. Who is in the directive here? Yet, sometimes I can get a bit confused as to which tactic is the 'better' of the two - and that's when I can get lost in it nevertheless. It seems a 'tactic' of the mind to confuse within this process... Yet, when clear, and taking one of either approaches, 'salvation' is always here. It's like we have to be warriors within this all - being clear about your approach and you intent - and then hold on, steadfast. Another thing within this which helps me is to enjoy the process. For these are the great moments of truth & testing of your standing. And when standing, you will prove yourself to be more than your fears and inner chaos. And I love that actually. But, indeed, sometimes it can get very difficult indeed. Especially when multiple (life)points/stressors play into one fear-system at the same time - smacking you in the face with all its might. But the point is that we should NEVER stop our changing processes, never give in, always be aware. It's the path of the warrior - it's the path of Self-Change. That's how I see it. And, tough as it is, I also love it. It's a way of life.