Which way to go?

Here comes another attempt at pulling the chaos from my mind and locking it down here. For the world to see, or ignore if I'm lucky.
It has been little more than a month 1/2 since I broke free from a decade of pain meds and depression. While I have made some drastic positive changes. Today as I write this I am struggling with staying focused on today and what I've got to do to move forward both mentally, physically. Not far removed from the black hole of the last decade. And honestly, I fear being pulled back in. It's such a two-edged sword, to finally come around and open my eyes to be free of the fog. Only to see the damaged state of my life and those around me. Having the "honest" discussions with my better half. About where we are at in our 26yr. marriage. And the level of trauma I created with my selfish depression and chemical dependency. The inability to be there emotionally for her and forcing her to watch as I struggled every day. I recently found out my wife would often check in on me when I slept. Sometimes several times a night, never being able to relax. Her constant worry if I would wake or not. I thought for so many years of only my pain. I couldn't see how I was affecting my wife and children. Now my eyes are open.
This leaves me here. The guilt I carry could very well consume me. As a "grown-ass" man I have some trouble looking into the mirror these days. While I know I should focus on what I can do today. To do what I haven't been able to for so very long. To attend to others needs, while I still juggle my own.
Which way to go? Does the black hole win? Do I meet each day as a chance to move forward? Push threw my physical pain. And try and trust my mind again? To rebuild the relationships that mean the most to me? The answer should be obvious. And I'm sure to the outsider it's clear as day. But as the emotions flow through me, things I haven't felt in a very long time. I struggle.
My hope is that today, I find the strength to keep putting distance between myself and that black hole. Today is fresh and new. A gift to use as I will. Today at the very least is a chance to take a step towards a happier, healthier me. And in that direction, I will go, Today.
If you have taken your time to read this, thanks for taking part in my experiment. I openly admit I have no idea what it is I'm doing here, hell I don't even know what it is I hope to accomplish with this blog stuff. But what I think and feel is here out in the open. However, jumbled and disorganized it may be.
Please leave a comment if you like. All are welcome to. See ya next time... Oh and this is Oscar below, my unconditional friend and he says Hi