Everything You Need to Know About the Term “Demisexual”

Identifying sexual orientation can be overwhelming. Whether you think you might be demisexual or just want to find out more about what it is, we’re here to help.

Human sexuality is diverse, dynamic, and, as you’ve likely noticed, full of different terms, labels, and definitions. And while you may be familiar with some frequently used identifications, like straight, gay, and bisexual, some other terms popping up in the news and media may have you scratching your head. One of these is “demisexual.” Here, we break down what a demisexual is, what the label means, and some common misconceptions about this sexual identification.

What Is the Definition of Demisexual?

Broadly speaking, a demisexual is someone who does not have sexual feelings for anyone unless they are emotionally attracted to them. A demisexual can also identify as gay, straight, or bisexual, and may not have a gender preference when it comes to sexual attraction—a demisexual is initially attracted by the emotional connection they have to a person, and the sexual attraction stems from that initial, emotional connection. Demisexuality has often been confused with asexuality, but unlike asexuality—in which a person does not feel sexually attracted to anyone, regardless of how emotionally close they may feel to that person—a demisexuality can and does have sexual feelings for other people, but it may take awhile for them to take shape. This sexuality is also known as “gray sexuality,” as it exists in between “typical” sexual attraction and asexuality, according to the Demisexuality Resource Center.

What Is Gray Sexuality?

The terms “gray sexuality” and “demisexuality” may be used interchangeably, and sometimes the word “semisexuality” is used. The definition of “gray sexuality” is someone who doesn’t feel sexual attraction unless they are emotionally connected to their partner. This is different than asexuality, in which a person can be very much in love and attracted to a partner, but never desires sex with them. This is also different than having a low sex drive, which may be a result of physical or hormonal factors. Demisexuals, or people who identify as having a gray sexuality, tend to see their sexuality as a part of their identity. Their sexual drive doesn’t fluctuate; they never feel desire for someone unless the emotional connection is there.

Signs You May Be Demisexual

Demisexuality or gray sexuality is not diagnosed; it is a label that people use to define themselves. Because of that, and because sexuality is so unique to each person, there is no definitive checklist. That said, there are some commonalities. If you are wondering if you’re a demisexual, it can be helpful to speak with a therapist or counselor who has experience working with questions related to sexuality. Talking through your concerns, desires or relationships can help you more clearly understand yourself and share your needs and wishes with a partner. Here, some potential signs.

You’ve never felt sexually attracted to a celebrity.

You may identify with demisexuality if you’ve never felt strongly sexually attracted to a stranger or someone you’ve just met. A demisexual may not think of someone sexually until they feel love for the other person, and likely won’t fantasize about an ex partner or celebrity.

You’ve felt “different” from your peers.

A demisexual may not have experienced crushes on classmates or celebrities the way their peers did in school and may have felt different. A demisexual can be attracted to any gender, and being a demisexual does not indicate whether a person is gay, straight, bisexual or anywhere else on the spectrum of sexual attraction.