Choosing the Child-free Life: Is it still that controversial?
Am I the only one?
I can't believe I'm writing this xD but to be honest, this is why I created and started a Steemit account in the first place. I wanted a safe place where I could share my honest thoughts about difficult and controversial topics. I wanted a place I could use as an outlet for the sometimes crowded, sometimes empty space in my mind. I obsess over topics like these, especially if it's something I will need to decide in my life sooner or later.
The Beginning
It's interesting how my through process regarding having kids has changed over the last five years. Getting engaged to my best friend, marrying him and building a home and life together, and saving up for our future always had me thinking; we are building towards starting a family. I guess you could say it's a way of thinking that has been instilled in my (our) minds by our parents, family and society. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just life. It's the way things have been working for centuries.
I am now halfway to being 24 years old. Somehow, I'm less ready for kids (mentally) than I was two or three years ago. Suddenly, there are other aspects of life appealing to me. My growing career (not impressive AT ALL, but important to me), investments in property and my education, the people currently in my life including family and growing friendships, and I've recently added travel to this list. When I started researching traveling, a scary thought started building in my mind. Seeing even just 3 to 5 different countries in my lifetime, will be a nearly impossible feat if we wanted to start family within the next 10 years. I'm a realistic idealist (NOT the religion, just a way of thinking), I think of it as a blessing and a curse. I dream big, but I understand that dreaming big has a limit. Getting on a plane, getting in a car, going places, costs money. It doesn't really matter how you look at it.
From my point of view...
South Africa is not in driving distance of any of the places we want to visit. This means we will need to take a flight of R10 000 per person or more. There are countries one can visit that are much cheaper, has packages for less that that amount, and requires no visas. BUT, I'm a stubborn person when it comes to the choices I make. I don't want to do what everybody else does. For example: if most people around us visit Mauritius, I will do everything in my power NOT to go to Mauritius. If you can relate; comment down below one thing you're avoiding because it's been overdone by those around you. And how you're going to one-up them (please don't take this seriously, I'm obviously kidding).
So back to the money issue. For a couple from South Africa to go overseas for at least 2 weeks will cost at least R30 000. I'm talking in terms of the places of my travel list. That's a minimum. Some trips can then range up and down, sometimes pushing R100k. In no world will it be possible to raise two or more kids in a comfortable middle-class home, and have holidays like this every 3-4 years. Even just saving up R50 000 to set aside for traveling is difficult for anyone with living costs, investments, and fairly low-paying jobs (teaching in our country). One of the many reasons my travel list only has 10 countries on it.
So what's kids got to do with it?
More and more couples are opting out of having children. I spent the last week watching interviews and videos with these kinds of people, and slowly but surely I'm starting to understand. It's not that I'm seriously considering it yet , but I'm trying to understand both sides. I think it's only fair to think these things through, before you take responsibility for a whole other life or lives.
People change their minds about major things like this one every day. I have not made up my mind. We have not made up our minds. All I know right now, is this:
- I'm happy. I'm with my favourite person in the world. No, he's not your typical romantic, family-loving husband who dreams about having babies (this is over-dramatic, but you know what I mean). He is the most responsible, life-smart, money conscious, interesting man I have ever known. He doesn't take any nonsense, he's always objective, he's even more realistic than I am, and he tells me exactly what he thinks. When he can't, he doesn't say anything xD but it comes out sooner or later. We love our life. We're happy with our status; married young, hoping to plan to see some of the world, and still considering the possibility of kid(s).
We will probably decide to have 0 - 1 kids. This keeps our options open. We can either just not have any, or have one, or just end up adopting if it's biologically too late or what ever, but this is very unlikely. I guess things change once you have your first, but this is how we are thinking NOW. Our decisions will absolutely change.
Thirty feels like a good time to start. That's in 6 years for me, or 4.5 years for my husband. Which ever happens, will be fine. Yes, having kids young can probably be great. Traveling when you're young is even better in my opinion. For that, we need time. We will probably not have kids in the next 6 years. We might even wait longer. We'll see (one of @chr7is's favourite things to say).
Before I go on and share some ULTRA controversial thoughts also supporting this argument, I want to see what type of feedback this post is going to get. Be honest. Tell me how selfishly stupid or silly I'm being. Tell me how I'm overthinking this. Or tell me why you agree with some of the points. I believe being criticized is one of the best things to help us grow. Encourage the readers on you page to do the same, it's quite the eye opener. Happy thinking!
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We have a 4 year old. Last year we spend three weeks camping in Iceland and 3 weeks trekking to Everest Base Camp. She stayed with grandparents. People are too worried about leaving their children with family. You can still have a life without your child for a small part of the year. In fact, the old adage of absence making the heart grow fonder is true. This year with her being 4 we are going to take her with us on a more relaxing holiday but im sure that next year we may get itchy feet for something more adventurous. Will we take her with us... maybe... maybe not. She'd be just as happy with the grandparents as she would on a holiday with us to be honest. So for us, it hasnt really affected us in any way, other than the fact that we have the most wonderful daughter to tell about our travel :)
This is such a comforting comment for me to read. Someone living the kind of life I would love to lead one day. It makes me hopeful for life with a child. Thank you so much for sharing! I want to go trekking so badly, can't wait.
Thanks for your open sharing :) I don't have kids yet but I'm also not rushing myself with the decision of when, how many or zero...and I definitely don't want to make this decision under the age or social pressure. I enjoy my life travelling all over the world and being in love with myself and my partner as well as my job, friends and life in general. If at some point I'll feel like I want to help another soul to grow and step in this world with my help, I'd totally do it. Just not feeling it right now and that's all right :) I like that you keep researching and trying to find the answer to yourself. But I think those kinds of decisions do not happen on purely logical, financial etc levels but are mostly intuitive-driven. Looking forward to hearing your next thoughts and arguments
Awesome thoughts you just shared. Lovely to hear the thinking process of someone on a journey I'd like to be on soon.
"But I think those kinds of decisions do not happen on purely logical, financial etc levels but are mostly intuitive-driven."
Difficult for me to hear, but probably true. My partner and I both think towards this direction more. It helps us grow, but yes when it comes to deciding such a momentous thing like having a child it will be purely from the heart, using intuition of course :) it's funny how most younger people think with their heart and how older people tend to feel with their mind. There are exceptions, this is just a loose observation I've made.
Thank you for sharing. Definitely giving your page a follow :)
It really isn't my place to say anything and I think it's great that you are sharing this with all us. Best advice I could ever give is to follow your heart. As long as you stay true to yourself and your heart you can never go wrong. All the best xxx
Such a heartfelt comment :) I guess that's what it's going to come down to. Thank you for reading :)
@xramonahx!
One of the things that people overly do that I won't do is buy people keychains as souvenirs. Hahaha, I keep receiving souvenirs from everywhere and there are just left untouched. Not many houses or cars u know :D
Anyways, I like where you're going with your blog and this post. Just be honest and people will fall in love with you for being you! And then they'll be followers who wait for these sort of posts because they don't want to see some weird masks/marketing gimmick.
As I always say, I like RAW and HONEST posts right from the heart. :)
So reassuring :) thanks for the encouragement @zord189 It's amazing how Steemit and its community (especially @steemitbloggers!) just keeps pleasantly surprising me after every post.
Keep up the good contents! :) See u in #steemitbloggers
A difficult issue, or a non issue! Depending on what your heart desires! One thing that I know is that there are no place in life for regrets. We have to allow our hearts to lead. Blessings and Upvoted!
Thank you for the advice. Will keep it in mind :)
If you are really desperate to travel, then I believe you need to make the effort and take the risks to at least try a couple of trips. You should then get more of a feeling for what you want going forward. Maybe the traveling won't be as exciting as you imagined, or maybe it will be more exciting.
@xramonahx, I believe you regret more the things you don't try, than the things you do try, even if they don't work out as planned. Life should be lived and experienced, not wondered about. You are still young and have time on your side.
Look at your life as a story in a book, and each day in your life is a page in your book. Each day that passes is a page turned, and you can not rewrite that page. So far you have turned 24 pages. How do they read? How would you like the rest of those pages in your book to read. What is your story? When you close the back cover, will you have written the story you wanted to write, or were you at least on the journey? Maybe you won't have! But did you even try?
Despite the best laid plans, life can take you in different directions, without your permission. Wherever it takes you, it doesn't matter. You just continue to write your own story from there. Don't be scared to follow your heart. Look at it like this... what would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?
Your perspectives will change as you go through life, and I believe you will know for sure if and when you want a family. You will not always think as you do now.
"... what would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?"
A question that will definitely be hanging around in my mind for the coming weeks, moths, years. Thank you for this insightful comment.
"So far you have turned 24 pages. How do they read?"
Do you know what makes me so excited after I read his part? Those 24 pages were pretty much decided for me. They were important, and I'm happy that they exist. But NOW, the next 50-60 pages, are completely up to me. I make the choices. This makes me unbelievably excited. Thank you SO much for sharing this.
If you consider this a controversial subject then you may have more of an issue than you think. Traveling to and from foreign countries you seem to think is a life goal of a better proportion for you.
I have a different view on this. Your passing along your genetic material will give you more of a feeling of accomplishment. This kind of goal is more satisfying than checking off a travel destination you will more than likely forget about in the future.
I could go even deeper into this but I'll stop for now.
This is probably different for everyone, but this is my stance on the 'passing long of genetic material'. I want to live my life being the happiest I can possibly be. Making sure people remember me and keep saying my name for long after I'm dead is not really a priority for me. I am here for this specific amount of years, and while I'm here, I want to make the most of what I do. I want to appreciate the world and push my limits. Yes, having kids is part of this experience, absolutely. But it doesn't include on my list of things to check off. It's different, it's much more permanent, and I want to do it because it's my choice, not because it's what's expected.
I don't know if this clarifies anything xD but thank you for your honesty. You're welcome to delve deeper into the subject, it helps me understand how to go about this in the future and how to think about it.
I never wanted kids. For reasons that are both similar and different to yours, but ultimately, I had no interest in starting a family.
And then suddenly, I did, and I was north of 30 when it happened. And I have to say that having children is the best thing I have done in my life. I haven't regretted it for a moment.
But, you know, none of that is important to you, because you are you.
My advice - stick a pin in it! You're 24, and that is still really young. You're clearly not ready right now, and that is completely normal. Go and live your life. Go to Mauritius! Go wherever you want when life allows. Don't think about the future too much.
You will grow, mature and change, and stuff that is really important to you now won't be as important in ten years time.
None of that means that you will wake up one day and want to have children! You might. You might not.
I'll tell you a secret: twenty-somethings are allowed to be self-absorbed and selfish. It's kinda in the job description. Do what makes you happy for the next few years!
"... twenty-somethings are allowed to be self-absorbed and selfish. It's kinda in the job description. Do what makes you happy for the next few years!"
Like music to my ears! Let's see how much I can only think about myself for the next 10 years xD a great truth that I've forgotten about for a bit... I guess I'm trying to grow up too much.
"You will grow, mature and change, and stuff that is really important to you now won't be as important in ten years time."
I can attest to this already, from the past 5 years, so I know that's true. Thank you for the reminder. Sticking a pin and all that for now :)
This post is sponsored by @appreciator in collaboration with #steemitbloggers. Keep up the good work
Thank you @appreciator!
Hi @xramonahx, it think it's perfectly fine to decide for yourself whether or not to have kid(s). We tend to feel the pressure from society, but one thing you have to know is this:
If I can make a suggestion, look around for families who are avid travellers. In my travels, one of the most extraordinary family I've met is Ka Sundance's. He and his wife have 5 kids, all nomadic, all on raw food diet, all unschooled! Sometimes when we see others able to make it, we're less fearful, and we have strategies to guide us.
All the best, and chill!
Stunning quote /advice. Thank you for the tip. I have nothing to add or comment because you put it so well xD all of the best!