Anyones, Anything about Something That Is Or Was

How can it only be 2 days into the new year and this is what has come to be?
If this is how we start it, i wonder how it will end.

We were so alike 5 years ago, two pees in a pod, now it seems we have nothing in common except the pattern and routine we have grown to know and call life. Different views, different beliefs, different priorities, different opinions. Which should be okay but, with us it seems we cant find that line between anymore where we meet half way.

I feel like everytime i have been at my lows, you have been either on your way out, or already gone. The good times you are always there for. I show my true feelings to you, express them the only way i know how and for that, i get belittled, mocked, insulted. If i retaliate then i become everything i am not, in your eyes.

There is no fairness. We have forgotten the person we fell in love with, how is it that we have done everything together for so long and yet managed to turn against one another?

I cant be sorry if im not, you not sorry as you dont see your faults and if you do, they are always somehow validated.
I dont feel we are a team anymore, you think and feel you do more, i do less, you love more, i love less, you have changed more, i have changed less. Everything is more with you, i am below and under with everything.

You say 10 x week that i am a granny, i am boring and anti social, that you wonder what your life will be in 10 years If that's the case then tell me why you are even wanting me in your life still? You can go have anyone you want. See the world. Just a matter of time before you get some great chance at something better, more #living than your current life, im over competing with whats better, funner, or more socially expected. I am me, i am Kyra, i am different, i am the way i am, i deserve to be with someone who accepts me and is also like me. If i did drugs that made me turn into a person you didn't like, id stop doing the drugs. Its like that with alcohol, a few beers fine but after 4 hours and especially when we are barely talking, you act all happy and forget about what matters. I am scarred by the things you said to me and honestly, i dont know if ill be able to forget it, if we argue again over some shit in the next week, im pretty sure you'll do exactly what you have always done.

I cant handle it. I cant even talk to you anymore as we dont give the other chance to finish, you butt in to defend before i have even finished, you get louder and louder and at the same time, tell me to keep my voice down, wake up, your face becomes so ugly and you even smile when you are saying the uglies shit to me, you get a kick out of seeing me react to you, its cruel.

I wont play this game anymore, i am a good person, with a good heart and have seen more than most and am fucking strong to be okay today after it all. I wont be broken down now, by someone who claimed to love me all this time. I dont want to be forced to drink when i dont want to, or to be mocked front of guests for being the way i am or wanting the fun to be over, or for being tired or whatever i may be. Im tired of feeling embarrassed by you. You tell MaryAnn when she messages that I AM THE ONE OVER REACTING, you forget,she is a woman and she hears everything you say to me and imagine what she must think when she hears you calling me those things. Like, what man are you? She doesnt say to herself, "Yup, Kyra probably deserved that" She probably thinks, "just a couple more years and he will be hitting her" as verbal abuse of the level you have, escalates to only one thing. For someone your age to be speaking that way to your gf, is very very sad, and very worrying.

You message and tell your father and sister that im holding you back on days when you should be free. I wont be shed in that light anymore, your family will always have you influencing their opinions of me, we are all sick of Julian not being able to buckle down and handle his shit and running to dad every time, you going to be 30 eventually still asking for your dad to send you R100 so you can "get away from Kyra", as you said, all we do is rotate, rotate, break the cycle then. I mean, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Truly pathetic. Hope your evening was worth the huge fight you had with me for wanting to go to the beach or anywhere but to that fucking random oak who buys veer after beer after beer and wants to get coke. Not my scene, but clearly yours. so go live it. I will never take us out again as you took what i did and turned it into a way for you to make a new pal and went on to ditch me for him. When we have been over for 8 months or so, i bet you will think, "Fuck, i cant even remember that guys name and i tossed my relationship and life away for 3 hours of beers with him and to ride home in the rain." Well done. A real achievement.

Do you know how pathetic i felt to be asking you to come with me to be alone and talk and chill when you busy calling me names and telling me nobody will ever love me again? I felt so small and belittled. Like a pathetic dog, coming crawling with my tail between my legs to the same owner who scowlded me, and you said, "I dont want to be with you right now, especially not alone" Like kicking the dog when it comes to you for comfort. It took alot for me to do that and you kicked me in the heart.

YOU are going to have to man up and swallow your ugly pride if you love me enough and want to be with me, if not, then we part as friends but I will always love you.