Sacrifices in love: a behavior that wears
Sacrifices in love sometimes lead us to create an emotional debt: if I gave up certain things for you, now you have the obligation to do the same for me ...
In a couple relationship, continued sacrifices do not make love bigger or more romantic; In fact, it's the opposite. The continuous renunciations wear out and erode, they move us away from ourselves until we become something that we are not. Thus, in an affective relationship more than sacrifices, what matters are the commitments.
There is an old saying that says "when you are stepped on, remember to complain" . In case of not doing it, it is most likely that someone will take the pleasure of stepping on you: assume that it does not hurt you. We could translate this idea into the links with our partners. We can all sacrifice ourselves for the other person at a given moment, in fact it is normal and perfectly understandable.
However , no one can overlook that every sacrifice has a cost. All renunciation hurts. Any change of last minute plans is not pleasant. Any change of direction in our vital direction by the other person is not easy, and it also stings, sometimes it weighs and even hurts, but still we do it from the heart because we are engaged in the same project.
Now, if the other person does not appreciate or is not aware of that emotional (and personal) cost that each sacrifice implies, we will go astray . Confidence will slowly oxidize, until sooner or later the reproaches will germinate. The ghosts of each renunciation made will hurt excessively, because each piece of ours thrown on the road no longer returns, is lost forever.
The abnegation without borders in relationships is unhealthy. Dismissing, giving in, giving up today, tomorrow and the past is a sad way of annihilating one's self-esteem and of shaping a love substitute as painful as it is indigestible.
Sacrifices in love, where is the limit?
It is often said that great loves, like great achievements, require sacrifice. Nobody has to deny it. In fact, if we went out to the street to ask now, there would be many couples who could talk to us about more than one resignation made by the other person, those who set a new course in their lives and who undoubtedly were worth it: Now they enjoy a full and happy present .
Now, there are sacrifices in love that are not admissible. Moreover, there are many who still think today, that the bigger the resignation made by the couple, the more authentic and romantic that relationship will be. In these cases, it is as if love were a kind of ancient atavistic god to worship, an entity for whom to self-sacrifice.
It is necessary to understand that not everything is valid, that not everything is permissible. In emotional matters we should not immolate ourselves, because sacrifices in love should not be synonymous with self-denial, let alone build a pyre where we can launch our own values, identity and the heart of self-esteem. There are limits, there are contingency barriers that need to be known.
The willingness to sacrifice is better than the continued sacrifice
The psychologists Van Lange, Paul AM, Rusbult and Caryl E, Drigotas, conducted an interesting study that appeared in the Journal of personality and social psychology . They showed that one of the variables that most predicted the commitment, stability and happiness of the couple was the willingness to sacrifice.
That is to say, a person does not need his partner to be continually making waivers or assignments in his favor. What you value is knowing that when the time comes, if there is some kind of occasional and extraordinary circumstance, the loved one will be able to carry out that sacrifice for him or her.
Knowing that in the most needy moments we will have that unconditional and absolute support of the other party, is what gives us truly, security and satisfaction .
Sacrifices in love and emotional debts
We all know that love implies a commitment . We are also clear that sometimes, we are obliged to carry out some other sacrifice so that this relationship has a future, so that it can be consolidated as we wish. It is therefore a means to an end where the gains outweigh the losses, and where in addition, we carry out that act with security and freedom because we understand that it reverts in both to grow as a couple.
Now, sometimes sacrifice in love can become a debt . In fact, some people use it as a license for emotional extortion: "with everything I've done for you and you are not able to give up this now", "with the things I left behind to be with you and now you come with me that selfish act ... "
This aspect, that of the debts, is a detail that we can not leave out because of the gloom of its essence. Because there are those who understand love in absolute terms and, of course, extremes: I give it all but you also owe it to me. These are situations in which we are also forced to sacrifice our own identity to make the "I" a "we" and thus lose all glimmer of dignity.
To conclude, the sacrifices in love, better the just, punctual and justified. Because remember, in affective matters there is no reason to leave aside what we are, there is no reason to erase what we value or what defines us.
We can do a lot for the beloved person, we will even carry out the odd resignation ... However, there are red barriers that can not be breached, such as giving in to blackmail or becoming something we are not ...