The Japanese Take Toilet Time To The Next Level - I'd Be Intimidated

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I must live under a rock. I had no idea such porcelain perches existed. The Japanese are hardcore bathroom aficionados by the looks of their toilets. Some models even have a remote control, automated settings and timed functions. Their commodes are more intimidating than programming a new TV.

Here are some of the features of these over-engineered poop platforms:

Backside Wash for All, Frontal Wash for the Ladies

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This feature makes perfect sense. Toilet paper is part of my daily routine but for that extra clean feeling a little spritz on the privates would be a welcome feature after an afternoon of tailgating.

Adjustable Water Temperature

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Wow! That's taking the bidet feature to the next level. Warm water scouring my bum would definitely raise my spirits on a chilly winter morning. The toilet has a little water heater to make sure you have your desired temperature.

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Soapy Spray Cycle

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This feature really is going the extra mile. The toilet mixes soap into the spray for a few moments before going to straight water in the rinse cycle.

Turbo Spray

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I may pass on this option. It's purpose is to inject water that is powerful enough to pass the anus. I wonder if the system could handle a coffee enema?

Pulsating/Massage Spray

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What can I say, everyone loves a massage and I doubt a professional masseuse would be willing to venture into this region.

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Retracting Spray Nozzles

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Don't worry about having strangers body fluids corrupting the cleanliness of your commode. The spray nozzles only deploy when they are being engaged. Otherwise they retract back into a protective housing that sterilizes the nozzle.

Heated Seat

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This feature goes hand-in-hand with the warm water bidet feature. A nice toasty seat to kick off your daily routine is a great segue to your first cup of coffee.

Deodorizer

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As far as I'm concerned, this should be a standard feature on any toilet, regardless of it being an outhouse or your home use toilet. No need to leave behind anything for the next customer.

Noise

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This is great. A toilet that has noise cancelling technology. It emits white noise that blocks any unwanted sounds from escaping the rest room. This comes in handy when your only option is a bathroom that is off a room that may be occupied.

Auto Lid/Seat

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Ladies, don't concern yourself with the inconsiderate men in your life, this toilet will close the seat and the lid when left idle.

Night Light

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This feature is great for a midnight wee, when you don't want to blind yourself with the overhead light and ruin your night vision, you still have to find your way back to the bed without stubbing your toe.

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Self Cleaning Bowl

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Another feature that should be standard on any toilet, self cleaning bowl. Put away that toilet brush. Now, they have to figure a way to clean around the edges and in that space between bowl and reservoir.

Warm/Cool Air Dry

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Here is the cherry on top! Once you've done your business, suds up and rinsed your bum, a nice sultry breeze drying up the region is really the royal treatment.

Medical Testing????

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There are experimental toilets that are being engineered to do some limited testing. EEK. I'm picturing a retractable thumb. I'll pass.

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I have to give the Japanese credit for going the full monty on their porcelain palaces, no half measures there. I guess you would need to leave the manual in the magazine basket near the pot.

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https://www.japan-talk.com/jt/new/20-common-features-of-Japanese-toilets

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Image sources: 1, 2, 3, 4