The last secret about Hitler

Mustachio's Lament
The Little Fuhrer that Couldn't
(My own article I first published in the late '90s on a long-defunct website.)

Since Adolf Hitler killed himself in his hidden underground bunker many years ago, his genocidal ways have been the topic of much discussion & debate. The reasons behind his mass destruction of anyone non-German, have been studied, documented, and taught to the world's peoples, so that there could never be a doubt as to the evil that lurked in the heart of a man so focused on "cleansing the races", that he dragged millions from their homes kicking and screaming, & had them exterminated like insects. We have heard the tales, the rumors, and the theories behind the man whose name will forever live in infamy, and we would now like to refute the historians, and offer the shocking photo that will once & for all erase any doubt of why he committed the atrocities that he did--Hitler had a tiny penis.

Notice his shameful frown & the fact that he's cleverly hiding his groin using strategical hat placement!

MYTH:
Hitler was trying to create a "master race" by wiping out all non-Germans.

FACT:
Hitler was so ashamed of his puny Aryan hammer, he was determined to wipe out the entire human race, so that no one could possibly ever see, mock, or snicker at his inferior manhood. Yes, he killed 6 million Jews, but after the Jews, his next target was the anyone with anywhere near normal eyesight. See, he needed an army of people to help carry out his evil plan, so he brainwashed the Germans into believing that the rest of the world were evil because (as he put it) "Zee rest of zee world has cake, and zey are hiding it from us!" The Germans, infamous for having insatiable sweet tooths, became enraged & decided to help Hitler wipe out humanity as punishment for their access to pastries, while the Germans only had Sauerkraut as a late-nite snack (enough to piss anybody off.) They never had a clue as to what secret shame they were really murdering for. If the SS army was successful in their mission, little did they know that Hitler had plans for them as well. Upon destroying the races, Hitler had a plan to throw an SS victory party, in which Hitler himself would have spiked the sauerkraut with cyanide, which would have left only 1 man left on the face of the Earth, which in turn would have made Hitler- the man with the biggest penis on Earth by default. That was the real master plan.

MYTH:
The infamous "Zeig Heil" was a way to honor the Fuhrer's presence.

FACT:
Hitler invented the "Zeig" when he noticed one of his officers taking a look at his crotch with a puzzled look on his face, almost as if to say "W-where is it?" Sensing the soldier was on to his secret, Hitler later snuck into the soldier's barracks, placed a tiny slice of pound cake on his chest, and in the morning, the other soldiers killed him, figuring he was a spy. (where else would he get the cake?) After his close call, Hitler needed a way to keep eyes from straying to his groin, for fear of mutiny, so he forced his soldiers to thrust their arm upwards, keeping their eyes focused on an upward 45 degree angle at all times. This served as a great distraction, and Hitler was pleased.

MYTH:
Hitler had a girlfriend by the name of Eva Braun.

FACT:
Hitler WAS Eva Braun. See, his constant obsession with his minuscule genitals led his mind astray many an evening. He knew that somehow he was supposed to have been born a girl, and he decided that he must take on an alter-ego to be able to cope, so he donned a blonde wig, threw 2 apples in bra & paraded around Germany telling off-color stories to the Germans about how Hitler was a stallion in the sack, in a desperate attempt to further his reputation as a powerful leader. Unfortunately, the Germans saw through his facade, as he never made any attempt to conceal his wacky mustache, but by this point, it hardly mattered, as the Germans were itchin' for some marble loaf, and were ready to kill anyone who would stand in their way. The armies forged ahead, never really acknowledging that their leader was a cross-dresser.

MYTH:
Hitler killed himself in his underground bunker when the Russians were on his heels.

FACT:
Hitler never intended to kill himself, because if the Russians were to find him dead, they would undoubtedly have removed his pants in the morgue & found out the Fuhrer's shame, and he wouldn't give them that satisfaction. The real story is as follows: Hitler retreats to his underground bunker. The Russians make their way down to the iron door of the room he's holed up in. Hitler knows he's as good as captured, so he thinks fast, pulls out his Luger & shoots his weenie off. This way, they'll never know what Hitler was packin', as his groin would simply be reduced to a steaming, bloody mess. Ultimately, his obsession with never being found out would be his demise, as he bled to death within minutes of the gunshot. The Russians, who finally broke down the door, were greeted with the sight of Hitler's dead body, gaping hole where his crotch once was, a smile on his face. He died knowing that although he failed in his psychotic attempt to rid the world of those more masculine than him (women & children included. We're talkin smallllll,) at least he died with his secret intact. That is, until we came along.

So there you have it - Insane madman hell bent on genocide, or the world's worst case of
penis envy? You be the judge. Either way, he'll live in infamy forever as the lil' Fuhrer that couldn't.