Depression - When everything is in chaos

twobears (46)in #life • 7 years ago (edited)

No job, no School, no university

So, I recently quit my studies, because I felt like I wasn't going down the right path, for what I want to do in life.
I was studying computational engineering and after a month or so I realized, I don't like coding and don't like physics, although I am pretty good at them.
I found some friends pretty early in university and I liked the style of it. I was able to design my schedule and had a lot of freedoms, but there was something inside me, that always felt like i am in the wrong place. I had to force myself to study and didn't like it at all. I saw some of my newly made friends to find a rhythm really fast, but I was only trying to figure out why I should spend the next 4-6 years, to study computational engineering.

I felt like I was doing things,
I don't I don't like doing,
In order to keep on,
doing thins I don't like doing

And this seemed really stupid to me, so I decided to quit and do some soul-searching.

With this action from now on, I now had to plan my day myself, which actually is harder than you would imagine for me since I tend to have phases, where I am not having too much self-discipline. I didn't make myself a schedule and didn't have a lot of good routines per day. This meant I was kind of floating around every day, doing what I felt was right, but never really planning ahead. Thinking a lot about what could be done, but never actually sat down and did something.

I felt like a lost boy

And with that lack of self-discipline and no schedule or many good routines, I kind of started procrastinating more and more. Watching some youtube here, looking at memes there, reading some unnecessary stuff online, all that stuff. And with that, you I got less and less done. I was always saying tomorrow, later etc.
But as a lot of wise men say,
"tomorrow never comes, because tomorrow will be a day later tomorrow"
You need to just start doing the things you want to do and work on what you want to achieve.
JUST DO IT!

I fell into the depression trap, I gave myself too much freedom and didn't pursue all of the goals I wanted to reach. And with that, I started to keep digging myself in deeper and deeper into a hole.

From now this changes, I have enough of my demons, I know where they are, but I won't let them back in.
I will focus on my grind, my goals, my life. Plan ahead and plan my day. I will pick my good habits back up and build new ones.

I have enough of my dreamlife, I am here to live my dream life

and that needs work

I believe most people will be at this point in their life at some point if they want to be a real individual. In "the denial of death" it is named the school of anxiety. I will have anxiety falling back into this state going back into this state, I do not want to be lost ever again