Lessons from my Father (and Mother)

note: this is not going to be one of my most polished writings as I wrote it for myself and my healing, but I figured I would share it with everyone anyway, since its something we all need to be mindful of.

I have been thinking about my dad quite a bit lately. I lost my dad suddenly to cancer almost two years ago, and even now I’m still struggling to come to terms with his abrupt passing. My dad was a quite man, not without his struggles of course, but he taught me to be kind, to be patient, and the proper way to treat people that you care about. He showed me how to work hard, and taught me the value of doing work the right way. My dad was a classic doer, in that he showed his appreciation and his love by doing things for you. To other people that didn’t get to see him every day, he was a model dad and husband, and in many ways, he was. One thing I learned my dad, and my parents in general, has been on my mind lately that I would like to write about.

A bit of background is necessary for this character lesson to make sense. When I was growing up, my parents decided that we would eat dinner every night as a family, no electronic devices allowed at the table ect. Instead us kids would fight over who had managed to eat fewer lima beans, who had snuck an extra hot dog, or whatever else we didn’t like at the table. What we squabbled about always changed night to night, but one thing was always the same. After dinner my dad would tell my mom, “thanks for dinner”, and then go into the kitchen and do every dish, and scrub every dirty pot, until everything was clean. He was never asked to do them or told he had to do them as his chore. He never complained about doing them, never said anything negative about the chore, always seemed happy to pitch in as a way of showing appreciation for the food mom had made. This for me, was a lesson in selflessness, in gratitude, leading by example, and consistency, but the real lesson that stuck with me ran a little deeper.

My dad, for all his willingness to help clean up, wasn’t always the most aware when it came to obvious things like overloading the silverware holder in the dishwasher. I can’t remember the number of times unloading the dishwasher the next day that I pulled out silverware that were not actually clean. A few times I simply rewashed them, and a couple times I casually asked my dad if he thought it might be productive to put fewer pieces of silverware in the dishwasher at the same time, his response was fairly noncommittal. It is safe to say my dad was set in his ways. I asked my mom about it as well, and she told me that dad was doing his best to help, but his personality made it harder for him to be mindful of those small details. My mom later told me to just set the dirty pieces of silverware to the side and she would take care of them later. Through watching this dynamic I learned a very valuable lesson. Sometimes it is necessary to look past someone’s failed attempt at being helpful, and appreciate the motive behind what they are doing. Actions speak louder than words, and our actions in response to someone else should be just as loudly appreciative. This was not a one-sided lesson, but rather many sided. I watched one of my parents try and serve the other, and in turn the receiving parent graciously accepted, and gave in response by choosing to overlook my dad’s shortcomings. By no means am I saying that it is okay to give less than your best effort of course. Giving less than your best is failing yourself. But we also need to support each other in love, and accept the imperfect love that is given to us with grace, rather than reject such a consistent offering of love because of a small imperfection that might be a slight inconvenience. This is one of the greatest things my parents taught me by example, and is the reason I do my best to look past other’s shortcomings so that I can appreciate the spirit with which something is given. My shortcomings are not the same as someone else's. Our best efforts will be flawed at some level, but love and acceptance of each other’s efforts and appreciation for the willingness to put others first is one of the most beautiful things we can give.

Photo Credits: https://www.flickr.com/photos/christianmontone/4390708083