BREAKING THE HABIT - DON’T BE SORRY

Why do most people say they’re ‘sorry’?

There are many other words I am sure we mean to use, but for many of us it has become reactionary. From what I have noticed is that women who have been a negative relationship (family, friendship, marriage and so forth) use ‘sorry’ more than most.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines sorry as:
1: feeling sorrow, regret, or penitence
2: mournful, sad
3: inspiring sorrow, pity, scorn, or ridicule: pitiful
• their affairs were in a sorry state

Think about the things you apologize for. Is it really necessary? We use it as a way to placate others that we feel we have potentially upset. Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship knows….it doesn’t work. You apologize and you still get whatever form of abuse that is dished out.

(Tidbits from the past)
From the ex-husband:

“Why weren’t you home?”
‘I was getting groceries for dinner.”
“Why didn’t you do this before I got home?”
‘I’m sorry; I thought I was going to make it home before you.”

Here’s a scenario I go through at least once a week (by the way I work graveyards).

‘Honey, did you pay this bill?”
‘No, I didn’t’
“Why not you had the day off?
“I’m sorry; I felt that sleeping was more important.”

I should have just stopped with I didn’t, but because of my history I now get a little snarky when I’m questioned, like I’m not capable of doing anything. So I occassionally revert back to being abused and start apologizing for everything. In this case….I used sarcasm to offset the mood, not always the best way to handle things.

I had gotten to the point I apologized for every little thing that was wrong or went wrong. I was to blame for everything that was wrong in the world. Well, I was made to feel that way, so I figured it had to be true. I had a therapist ask me how it felt to be omnipotent. I gave her a strange look and asked why she would say that. Her response was ‘You’re apologizing for every little thing, like what happens in the world is in your control. It’s not.’ She then asked me what I was apologizing for. I said because I let whoever it was down. I didn’t do what was expected of me. “So you’re apologizing for not being perfect?” I thought about it and that was exactly what I was doing.

The word is said so much, that it makes you wonder if anyone truly means it. Just like when someone dies or has a personal tragedy, I don’t think it’s the right word. The last thing you want to hear is hundreds of people saying they’re ‘Sorry.’ It’s not very comforting, you feel like it’s just words coming out of someone’s mouth. They can’t fix it, you can’t change the situation, and it doesn’t solve anything. Sometimes though that is the only word you can come up with since they want to show sorrow or pity. Just what I would want to hear if one of my children dies “I’m sorry your child died.” ‘Gee thanks, I really appreciate being pitied, that makes me feel so much better’ There are real reasons to apologize, and generally a death is a good reason, think of how it would make you feel. Most importantly though you have to look at the why of the situation to better respond to it.

When you feel the need to say ‘Sorry’ just do a quick rundown of ‘Why am I saying this?’ What reason do you have to be sorry for? You don’t have to apologize for being you. You don’t have to apologize because someone didn’t like something you did. You don’t have to apologize for an environment you didn’t create. You don’t have to apologize for enforcing polices rules or regulations. When you do make a mistake and someone brings it to your attention’ Thank you for showing me my mistake, I will make sure I am more conscientious in the future.’ You acknowledged the problem, accepted responsibility for it and proposed a simple solution to move forward. This is what one should do when a mistake is made. Not say “Sorry, I won’t do it again.” That’s a 5 yr old responding to punishment.

By changing how your respond to situations and breaking the habit of using ‘sorry’ as an excuse, you will actually take stress off of yourself. You won’t feel the need placate everyone around you, to be their caretaker. It’s not your job to take care of the world and make them happy. Your job in life is actually to work on making yourself happy so that you teach your loved ones how to be happy. Teaching our children the right way to respond and not to be so defensive or enabling by trying to appease everyone will help them with their self-esteem.

Never be sorry for being YOU. Never be sorry for the way you feel. They are YOUR feelings, good, bad or indifferent. There is no rule that says you have to feel a certain way about certain things.

To help out a little bit here is a link for Power Thesaurus for other words you can use instead of the word sorry.
https://www.powerthesaurus.org/sorry/synonyms

Have a wonderful Day
<3 tryskele