Un-Merry Go Round- Steamy Hot Love, Seething Cold Hate

codeSo here I am, again in the same place where I've been, many times over the last seven years with my mate. For weeks I've been blissing out and how exceptionally amazing my life is, how well supported I am, and what a great life I have as a mother with my children. Sometimes I truly feel and believe that my life is a living new paradigm.

And then some shit hits the fan and I realize that in so many ways my life, my problems, my mate, are just like every other woman's life and problems and mate.

Problems like:
I've put all my time energy and love into this family at the expense of virtually all of the relationships. And now that I have a conflict with my mate who is almost my everything I have no one.

Or the problem that my work as a mother and homemaker doesn't generate any money and doesn't get much if any respect or appreciation.

And building on that lack of appreciation or value for the work that I do, there's also the problem that I get virtually no say over decisions about our life, or access to resources generated by my mate.

And building on that problem is the future problem that I'm putting all my energy into raising amazing children now, meanwhile I have no resource base of my own and therefore I am constantly at the mercy and whim of my mates graces, which can blow mega hot and cold at times.

And then I must also realize that I'm the one who got myself here so I better be the one to get myself into a better spot.

I lie here wondering, have these problems been here all alone under the surface of our seeming happiness and contentment?

And was I just too willing to delude myself into believing that my fantasy life was the whole of my reality?

Was I too lazy and complacent to Face and deal with the Darkside of my relationship? The Darkside of my mate?

I'm pretty sure the answer is yes, to all.

I've been complacent about my own problems and I've been even less helpful or considerate about the problems just like mine, that millions pr billions of other women face, often to a much more severe degree and what I face.

I write this in hopes that public sharing will prevent me from allowing my consciousness to slip back into the bubble of fantasy and delusion where I like to live out my dream life, meanwhile problems accumulate and amplify left unaddressed.

So, now what?

Honestly I have no interest in challenging or fighting my mate. But it seems like my choices are to get walked over and ruled, or to fight.

Is there a third option?
Does it always have to come down to resources and power?

Seems like this calls for me to rise far above and beyond any version of me that I have ever been before, and be more loving and simultaneously powerful than ever before. Time to tap in to my inner goddess.

Send me your prayers, I think I need em.

If I live out any good solutions I'll be sure to keep everyone posted.