We've All been there.

We've seen it coming - and been powerless to stop it (Or so we thought).

It's the dreaded, full blown, interpersonal disaster called a "Professional Argument".

There are many reasons we get into arguments. It doesn't matter if it is at work or during your personal life - arguments are usually counterproductive. I'm sure most of us have been on both sides of the argument. I can remember sitting in an office, fuming at the words coming from the other person's mouth. As the poorly chosen words slipped past their lips I plotted my points and counterpoints, then took stock of where they were wrong, planning, thinking, and getting ready to strike back.

If I was doing all of that do you think I was really listening to what they were saying?

I've been on the other side of the desk too - trying to coach an employee, or educate a colleague - and thinking all was going to plan until the other party unleashed a broadside of verbal abuse in my direction!

If they were mentally preparing that broadside do you think THEY were really listening?

Whether you relate to either, or both, of the above scenarios please read on. Let me tell you first why you should read on. I'm a professional public speaker, as well as a communication professional, even going so far as to get certified in Neuro Linguistic Programming. In my studies I've learned a thing or two, but more importantly I've used the techniques I'm about to share with you to stop arguments before they got out of hand, and in many cases before they even get started.

Imagine this for a moment. You are sitting at your desk and your employee - let's call her Diana - is ranting on and on about a coworker that they perceive is lazy - let's call him Joe. Joe is so lazy, according to Diana, that everyone in the department has to work extra hours to make up for Joe's laziness. Joe's constant laziness is hurting department moral. Diana goes on, and on - and you can see the explosion coming.

You do not share Diana's assessment of Joe

Worse yet, you know that when you tell Diana this - there will be fireworks! You know that Joe is working on special projects, which are reducing the amount of work he can do in his normal role, Or in another view, perhaps Joe only gets assigned the problem accounts so again it looks like he is not producing to the same level of the rest of the team.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes it is the simplest problem that causes the biggest argument?

So, what do you do?

Simple - start your response with the words "I Agree".

I can see some of you are already slack jawed.How can I dare say that you should say that you agree with Diana when you don't think Joe is lazy?

Remember, I said START your response with the words "I Agree" and then follow up with a statement showing that you understand Diana's perceived issue. For example "I agree, Diana, that being forced to work extra hours to make up for a lazy employee is frustrating, and even unfair."

Now imagine looking across your desk. Do you imagine Diana still fuming mad? You probably picture her as confused. She was building herself up to explode and you took the wind right out of her sails!

Now that you have used the "I Agree" tactic add in my second tactic - the word "And". Notice I did not say "But"! Picture this... "I agree, Diana, that being forced to work extra hours to make up for a lazy employee is frustrating, and even unfair. BUT @#$%!"

Why all the symbols - it's because Diana did not hear a word you said after the word "But". In our modern society we normally equate the word "But" with a negative statement that will follow. "I know you are busy but" or "You did a good job on the Phillip's account but". Do you see how the word "But" starts to make you feel like the rest of the statement will be negative?

Now try "And"

"I agree, Diana, that being forced to work extra hours to make up for a lazy employee is frustrating, and even unfair AND I've got to tell you that I've had Joe working on some of the more problematic accounts. That's why you see his work piling up."

Side Note - as Joe's immediate superior I should probably have known that his work was piling up, or that he was on special assignments, or whatever - and I should have communicated it to the team. That's a discussion for another time.

Do you see the purpose and use of the "I Agree" as well as the "And"? You wouldn't always want to use "And" in the place of "But" nor would you always want to start a statement with "I Agree". However, used in the proper place these two tactics can save you a lot of headaches.

You can even use the "And" tactic during reviews rather than "But". It works well. You can say "You did a real good job this past quarter on the Phillip's account, and I'm wondering what troubles you had on the Jacoby account? They didn't seem as happy. "

Hopefully these two communication tactics save you some headaches. Please leave me your comments to let me know if this kind of information is useful to you. If it is I'll keep posting!

Regards
ThoughtPower