Graduating from Mental Health

If you are reading this, I want you to think of something that makes you proud. Something you have accomplished, no matter how minor or major, that makes you smile because YOU did it or made it possible.

Enjoy that for a minute.

Those minutes, or moments, are very important. Taking a minute to reflect kindly towards yourself can make an incredible difference for your day. And life.

Now, I'm not a scientist, psychologist, therapist or doctor of any sorts. I have no degrees, I'm just someone who really needed to help themselves after YEARS of being through hell and having no other choice.

I am technically at the darkest time of my life, yet I am the strongest I have ever been.

We're not sure if it's my life experiences, the skills I have learned during the years of various therapy that couldn't be applied at the time, or my years of research and practice of my positive techniques. Or if it's all of the above combined.

But I have the mental stamina of a stallion.

Finally.

My mental health appointment was Wednesday. It was my first one since 2017 when my last therapist was leaving the facility as I was being diagnosed with CRPS. I have gone through this battle of CRPS without Mental Health assistance and according to the lady I met on Wednesday, I am doing amazing.

My bad days, stress levels and situations are understandable. My thinking is what makes me fortunate.

I keep thinking back to that 15 year old me sitting in the dark bedroom, listening to the same song over and over again for one reason or another. She hurt herself because of the intense hurt she was feeling inside with her overwhelm of emotions. I wish I could tell her how all of those racing, crazy thoughts could go away. I would wipe her tears and tell her to enjoy her life and freedom, be kind to her mind and body.

Laura, who I met with on Wednesday, went through my file before meeting me. She saw that I was sent to a mental institution on my sweet 16th birthday for trying to kill myself. She saw that I used to think there were different people living in my mind. She saw the years of self harm, anger, hatred and fear of the world.

And then she saw me Wednesday with CRPS, nicknamed the suicide disease.

Complex Regional Pain Syndrome is the worse thing that has ever happened to me, BY FAR. It has taken away my physical freedom. My ability to be a traditional contributing member of society. My ability to express myself with artwork and music. My ability to connect with mother nature and grow my own food. My ability to walk. It has altered even my ability to wear a fricking bra.

Small embarrassing and odd fact that I don't want to forget.

I'm 31 years old (for another 6 days, I'm holding on) and haven't been able to wear a real bra since 2017 except once. I saw Theresa Caputo live and I wanted to look decent just in case I had the life changing experience I needed. She jumped over the gate and up the stairs to stand directly behind me..a foot and a half away. To hold up 2 orange pylon cones to her chest and said something about the Austin Powers Fembots. She said she didn't know why she did that, everyone laughed and she moved onto the guy behind me. I could not admit in front of all of those people that it was because earlier that night, my sister and my mom were teasing me about the difference a bra makes and we laughed about those Fembots from Austin Powers. Such an embarrassing truth, but I had my life changing experience I needed. After she put the cones down and read the gentleman behind me, she was nervous to walk down the stairs in her giant glitter heels, so I gave her my BAD hand and walked her down the stairs back to the ground level.

I thanked the Universe for a long time for that. So silly, but laughter is the best medicine and exactly what I needed to move forward to my next steps.

Which is when I became somewhat thankful for the strength that CRPS does give me. It might consume me physically and continue to get worse, but mentally it has guided me towards everything I needed and knew all along.

I am stronger than I think or ever gave myself credit for.

It doesn't seem I will be needing to go back to mental health, but I do have the contact information for emergencies if needed. I am very proud of myself for how far I have come and how much I have grown because of my own determination and interest in a better life.

I am going to be starting a few new projects after the 2nd Annual Walk to Conquer CRPS, which I'm 8 days away from now! Wow.

Please, donate or share the link below.

https://www.canadahelps.org/en/pages/walk-to-conquer-crps/

We are raising funds for a team of doctors who are researching a new CRPS treatment. CRPS is rated 42 of 50 on the McGill Pain Index, there is no cure. It's pain is higher than childbirth, amputation of digit, non terminal cancer and anything else compared to it. Without a cure, it's nickname has become the Suicide Disease.

Help me change that. One step at a time. My goals are getting bigger and my eyes are on the moon. If I miss, I'll still land on the stars.

"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars"

Be kind to your mind everyone.

Positive thoughts for a positive day and weekend!

-Kristen Sparkle

Day 145/365

Entry 64/183

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