Today, I've decided that I'm going to make a change

At one point in my life, I was thin. Not just thin, but very fit. I'd been in the military and I had the self discipline to work out and I felt great.

Me at 167lbs

Then I had a bad break up at 24 years old. One where I found out an ex cheated on me with a 17 year girl that he denied up and down that he wasn't cheating on me with and I had a miscarriage. I had left everything, my home, my family for him and I supported us both through our relationship because he couldn't find a job... he then found a job, asked me to leave mine and I guess he decided his money was worth more than mine.

I had a nervous breakdown.

There were days that I couldn't sleep and when I did I'd sleep the whole day away. Many days I didn't eat and then I'd binge as if I'd never seen food before. I had a few serving jobs but ended up getting fired because I was severely depressed. I thought my ex cheating on me was my fault... that there was something wrong with me. Of course, my family being uber religious didn't help.

"You need to shake yourself out of it an pray! Shake this depression off of you !" my mother would yell.

Unsurprisingly, it didn't help.

Eventually, I lost contact with my ex and my best friend that was is his sister and I began to move on. I started working out again and lost most of the weight I'd gained, despite working a desk job. Then my ex got in contact with me again. I knew I should've changed my number.

"Listen Keda, I need to know if my W-2 came and I'm wondering if it went to your mom's house"

" No, I haven't seen anything. I'll let you know if I do."

"How is everything?"

"Good and you?"

"Everything is okay. I'm trying to get into the Army."

Heh. We were supposed to do that together-- me for a second time.

"Okay that's good. I can help you pass the assessment test if you want."

I'm not sure why I said that. I've always been too helpful, even to people that screwed me over.

"Listen, I am doing this because I have to impress Tiffany (name changed) and her parents. I have to show them that I can do better."

Apparently, her parents moved in a 24 year old man, now 25, in their house, who was screwing their daughter that's still in high school. I hung up. I went to the store and bought up so much food and ate as much as I could, crying and sobbing ; It felt like someone ripped open a wound, then stabbed me and twisted the knife.

Years later, I haven't been the same. Yes, I've healed some but I'd never been able to really bounce back with my weight. Subconsciously , I'd been trying to relive the relationship with other people, and trying to "fix things". Eventually, I removed myself from religion (I'm more spiritual now), started going to a therapist and dealing with my feelings and now I'm ready to lose weight.

I'll be keeping track of my weight loss here and being honest about my eating and exercise habits. Right now my BMI is 35% and I'm 217lbs at 6 feet tall.

Wish me luck!