I Wasn’t There When My Son Was Born
Today I feel like writing something a bit more personal, perhaps to simply get it off my chest and find insight in my own words. This week marked my son’s third birthday. As a mom, watching my child grow is a bitter sweet moment. I revel in the fact that he is blossoming into a little person, with personality and traits. At the same time, my heart tightens as he starts to lose his baby fat and soft infant curls. But each year, when my child’s birthday approaches, it is not only these feelings and emotions that consume my mind.
I wasn’t there when my son was born.
After years, and years of trying to fall pregnant, it was soon brought to light that my husband and I were not going to conceive very easily. It was a difficult time, our hearts ached for a child and we thought that the world was against us. But our plan soon fell into place and we realised that all along, we were meant to adopt! And adopt we did! In 2015 we brought our 4-month-old baby boy home, he was ours.
I love how I became a mother, my child is my everything. He is beautiful, smart, witty and funny. Let me add stubborn and spirited to the mix. We were very lucky in that the adoption process was quick and easy for us, with not much red tape at all. But come March, every year, my mind wonders…
What was it like the day my son was born?
I know it was a Sunday. That’s it. I don’t know if the sun was shining as he entered this world, or if the rain fell, leaving my favourite smell of wet earth in the air. Did he come out crying? Or was he too bewildered to make a sound? Who cut his umbilical cord? Was he hugged and held tight and given the warm welcome he deserved? Did someone kiss his head and cry tears on to him, like I would have?
On the day he was born, I wonder. I imagine the room that greeted him, was it clean, were there pictures on the walls? Or was there little to look at, a mess to accompany the situation he found himself in. Was he fed, who cleaned him? The list of “whats, hows, and who’s” becomes longer every year.
While I feel sorry for myself, my heart shatters for my son. He is loved unconditionally, we hold him high on a pedestal, he is our world. But he will always feel incomplete, his hidden background and unfair start in life will follow him wherever he goes. If I just knew what it was like the day he was born, perhaps I could help him with the answers to the questions I know he will ask.
As mothers, we often feel helpless, but this is something else.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t regret not giving birth to my child, I have had no urge to be pregnant or to feel what giving birth is like. But I do sometimes feel like there is this hidden piece of my child that I will never know, that he will never know. I cannot tell him about the day he was born, only about the day that he was born to us. I pray that this will be enough.
Upvote done, as promised! All strength and blessings!
Of course this is enough! You are a wonderful mother. I've never told my sons about their births and they are happy and content. Never asked me about it either. Just glad that I am their mommy!
Thanks Bear for the reassurance, I suppose boys are different and aren't too concerned about those things. My sister and I know our birth stories back to front. How old are your boys? I only grew up with a sister and most of my cousins are girls too, having a son has been quite an adventure for me! Enjoying it!
My eldest Jared is turning 20 and my baby is 16. I have beautiful kids with beautiful personalities and hearts. I love them dearly and I would give them the world. Never once gave me any issues ever. xx
Loving story ! My sister his having trouble to have babies of her own and started the adoption process. A tought time but love will always win.
Ah exciting times! Once she holds her child for the first time, she'll know that adoption was all part of her plan too. I hope you don't have to wait too long to meet your new niece or nephew!
Out of Upvotes, but will tomorrow! Blessings!
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It does not matter if you were not there when he was born, It matters that you are there now and these are the days he will remember - getting all the love and care he needs
Firstly I want to say a thank you for the kind words about my post! And here you are talking from your heart! If it helps any, at Papillon we work with many orphans! We take them on outings, support parties for them, get educational gifts for them and much else. They know their situation and they have accepted it! I pray that your little one will also one day accept his own situation and the fact that he has loving parents! My mom never told us why our father deserted us and it really troubled me! Only later in life did I hear that he was a jealous drunk that beat up on all of us! You are the helping hand in your little pigeon's life! Your love will help him to "fly". Proud of you guys and all blessings and prayers! Stephen
Wow, you do amazing work! Thank you for looking after our children! I truly hope that each and every one of those kids find a loving home and family, breaks my heart to see these little souls without parents to love them. But you are right, these kids, like my son, are little fighters and with support from the community they can still grow into happy and determined adults. I think we are all much tougher than we realise, thanks for that reminder! All the best with the wonderful work you do!
This is so emotional. I know it's not the same, but I have a cat I love very much. I feel he is like a son to me, he is very responsive and affectionate, sleeps with me at nights. I rescued him and adopted him when he was two months old and I can't help but wonder how his life was before I found him. Where was he born? Where was he sleeping? Was he a wild cat or a lost house cat? Was he an orphan? Did he have siblings? Did he see his mother die? Or was his mother looking for him when I got him? Does he remember anything?
Again, I know its not the same, but the feeling you describe is familiar to me for this reason.
I suppose part of the journey is to always wonder. Thank you for your understanding :)
It was quite emotional reading this post. ♡ Thank you for sharing. Your family is blessed to be together.
Thank you for your kind words :)
As a researcher who has helped folks find those connections that are missing because of adoptions, I can state that you being the Mom that raises him will always be the Mom of his heart.
With that said and out of the way he will be torn with the loss of information (those same questions you are having now), if the adoption records are open he will be able to read about himself, a better solution would be for you as his Mom to be willing and able to help him when the time comes that he is ready for that knowledge. There is such a bonding that I have witnessed so many times over the years between the child that has both of his Moms being open to giving and receiving of not just the information around the birth but sharing the joy of having all the medical information readily available (not something a young Mom thinks is needed for the future adult that baby will be) and maybe if both sides are comfortable with it a sharing beyond what is normal in most adoptions.. An open adoption can benefit everyone in the triangle.
One Mom gave birth and loved him enough to hand him over and the other Mom gave a stable loving home, there is so much joy around a baby and they should always understand the sacrifice that birth Mom gave, it is not an easy choice for many to have to give their babies up and the knowledge and understanding from the Moms on the role each has played will go a long way in raising a human that is grounded in love.