... here's what Vegetta says to me.

- WARNING -
This post gets pretty dark, far darker than I intended when I decided to start writing. If anything about suicide is likely to affect you deeply please don't read on. This is a frank ramble, unedited from my messed up mind

That's what I keep trying to tell myself

So I'm afraid this is going to be another rambling, depressing depression post. People don't want to hear how miserable I get sometimes, but damn it if I have to sit here and be grumpy then in true grumpy old git style - I'm going to make sure everyone around me knows it!

It's 5:30am and I haven't slept. I've been posting, commenting, doing chores (quietly!) and thinking to myself. I have a lot to think about...

Get on with it man, quit prevaricating about the bush

It's roughly 2 months now since I first truly gave serious thought to, let's be blunt, taking my own life. I've batted around the term in the past - "in the worst way" or my favourite "something very stupid" (yes, I know it's stupid, doesn't stop me considering it though... we all do stupid stuff!) - but now's the time to face facts dead on (pun intended... and regretted, but not edits!).

This week, I'm saying it to make it happen, this week I will speak with a professional about this whole clusterahem (sorry mum!) of a situation. I've put it off and put it off. I've told myself it was a one-off, okay a 2-off... maybe 3 or 4 but they're all pretty close together so it could be just one right?

Tangent - funny joke. Jim Davidson was once stopped by the police (I wager this story isn't entirely true, but it's his joke, not mine) for speeding. The officer informed him that he'd also been caught on a speed camera 100 miles away earlier that day and that was 2 speeding fines and an instant ban from driving. Being a funny sod he turned to the copper and said "That can't be right, surely it's only 1 fine... I never slowed down between the camera and you - I was only speeding once!"
Okay, maybe it's how you tell them...

Get on with it...

So yes, I'm off to the Doc. I don't know what I'll say really other than I've got quite a history of stress and things haven't been kind to me lately. I don't really know how this depression lark works, I just know that I'm down, most of the time, and I've got a really dark sense of humour but this is no joke.

I can take some solace in the idea that at least I'm a selfless person. I realised that financially my family would be better off without me and that pushed me over the edge. I wasn't thinking of my happiness. It barely occurred to me to think I was working SO hard for nothing. I was concerned that I was hurting those I loved.

I took time, sat there in the middle of the night, to plan out exactly what I would have to do to make things easier for those around me afterwards. I'm not talking about life insurance. I'm talking about sorting though my possessions, labelling what was worth selling. Getting my company accounts in order. Making sure my wife was listed on all my bank accounts. Writing letters to my children with advice for later in life. I didn't want to leave loose ends.

I decided how I would go, and then changed my mind. Not because I didn't want to any more. I was going to find a busy road, wait for something big and hefty to come barreling along and calmly step out. I changed that idea for 2 reasons.

Firstly, the person driving the vehicle doesn't deserve to have me on their conscience. My issues shouldn't ruin their day/week/life. Not just the driver but the emergency services, hell, anyone wanting to use that road that day...

Secondly, what if it didn't work. What if I was the unluckiest lucky person and it wasn't final. My family suffer enough just having a vaguely able-bodied me around without having to spoon feed some dribbling vegetable of a man.

So what's Plan B? I don't have one. I'm happy to say that the one ray of sunshine in this whole debacle is that, try as I might, I can't think of a way to do it without causing further suffering to those I love (and random other people). Perhaps that's my brain's small cry of help telling me I'm better off alive than dead?

I don't know what to say now. I've sat here in silence for 10 minutes. I promised myself I wouldn't edit this, I'd write and write and see what came out. I knew the topic and I knew it wouldn't be pretty but I genuinely don't know what to say. I suppose my only reaction to what I just wrote is solemn reflection.

To anyone who's reached this far, I'm sorry you had to read that but I'm going to hit post. One way or another, I'll either look back on it in years to come (thanks to the blockchain) and see how far I've come... or it will give someone a glimpse into why. Sorry.