LauraLemons
Yesterday I got a text message. "Laura's gone. I'm sorry. I'm with the police now."
There is no way to brace for that. There is no big deep breath before they give you the shot. There is no bandage for that sucking wound. Like some movie cliche I asked if it was a horrible fucking joke.
We all know it never is.
I laugh and cry as I write that. Thinking back on endless nights of chatting. Watching movies together on the phone. All the times she tried and we laughed in our morbid way about how she couldn't even do that right. Deep, rolling, belly laughs. She always said she was going to get it one day. For me to prepare for it. To look after Mouse if I could.
When she tried with the xanax, I woke up to missed calls. Text messages. Thursday there were none of those calls, because she knew I was going to talk her down.
Again.
I was going to make her stay. Again.
And she was so tired.
This was all I got that night. The perfect period to the end of her sentence. This, she would also laugh about.
It is hard to think that I'll never see my beautiful friend again. The fast and furious friend I made through Bethanie's death. The friend I laughed with until we were sick. Talked murder shows with. That brought me to Steemit. My weird friend that liked to take pictures of herself crying. I would always compliment the bags under her eyes because they were so her. She was wrapped in exhaustion and sadness and it drew me to her like a tragic flame. I would burn every night with her.
And then it is all snuffed out.
My heart rattles and shakes in my chest for her. But selfishly. It aches for my friend. When I should be celebrating that she is free. I know it is greedy to mourn her, because she didn't want to be here anymore. All the times I stopped her, I was on borrowed time. She was being rented. I was extending the lease.
I was so sure... that one day that need to leave would fade. And probably would have, with enough time. By that time I would be visiting with her, us wearing our fuzzy pjs, eating junk food, and binge watching all the seasons of Forensic Files. That was the plan for later this year. I will mourn that lost plan, too.
I will mourn all the art she won't be making.
I will mourn the loss of her.
But I won't mourn her.
She wouldn't want me to. And I know that.
@lauralemons brought me here, she placed me in the hands of the Steemit community where she knew I would be loved and cared for. Where I would find support. And friends. Where I would find a family to create with. To shine with. To love with. To lose with.
She brought me here, and left, knowing that I was being well looked after. I would never have been able to thank her enough for what she gave me. Between her friendship, her love, and her guidance, my life is better because of her. She molded who I am today. SHE made me Stitchybitch. SHE made me happy again. SHE gave me purpose.
Laura was my friend. Laura was my mentor. Laura was a big part of my heart. Laura was, but who and what she left in her wake will forever flourish even if she isn't here to tend to it.
I love you so much, you bitch. You better haunt me or I'm going to be so pissed.
Please get help if you are considering suicide.
US residents:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday
Online Chat
Crisis text line
International people in crisis, find your helpline here
(This is also by @lauralemons)
May her found the light pathway - resteemed
you must feel so numb and heartbroken right now - I'm very sorry :'(
Upon seeing your comment I had to take a moment to reflect and wonder if I was, in fact, numb. Or if I had processed it all.
I think I have processed it and accepted it. I don't really want to say that I "moved on" but I feel a lot more at peace with it. Especially after seeing how much she touched other people and how many are moved by her loss. <3 <3 <3
It's always a tough time to lose a friend, the only way I've found to deal with it is to accept they are gone, and be stronger from knowing them over weaker from the loss.
Oh stitchy, ohhh stitchy, stitchy, stitchy. <3
<3 <3 <3
...reflects how lots of us feel...
Thanks Corky!
This is a really great tribute to your friend. You are right she would not want you to mourn her but you are allowed to mourn the times you never got to spend together :( you know my DMs are always open if you want to chat, hugs.
Thank you so much for saying this, I honestly didn't think the post was good enough. But I know how much she liked raw, so perhaps it was perfect.
I think that will be the greatest mourning of them all, the lost time. The lost art.
And thank you so much for the offer. <3 You're so awesome. I probably will hit you up in DM soon. :)
The post was perfect because it was honest, hopefully it's a bit cathartic for you to let it out :)
I'm so sorry for your pain. I didn't have the pleasure of knowing her but I know she will be missed by many.
We got you x
She will be very, very missed. What is funny, is I don't think she ever expected that. How very wrong she was.
Thank you for all the love! <3 I don't know how I would have gotten through last night without you and everyone at MSP.
We are family, a crazy dysfunctional one - yes - but we are there when another is in need. Love you muh bitch.
While she will be sorely missed by all those she "touched" (even if only virtually), I can only hope somehow she's found the peace she was so desperately searching for.
And we've got you muxxy. <3
Don't you dare forget the value you hold in this place and within yourself. She was so proud of you and you were the best one could ask for in friendship. It's not everyday you find your person.
Thanks for being that person and finding a group of friends that embrace you as you are right now. Thanks for sharing this post. I will miss her and love seeing how much she meant to so many in the community.
The outpouring of love and support never ceases to blow me away. Sometimes I just step back and marvel at it. Trying to take it all in.
Thank you for being my friend, Kubby. Thank you for never letting me forget how loved I am by even just you.
I hope nothing bad ever happens to you, but if it does, I hope I can be there a mere fraction of how much you have been here for me!
I am sorry, I know this pain and loss too intimately. My mother succeeded in taking her life, and a piece of me, in 1998. My heart aches for you and her family. If you need to talk...I am here anytime.
Oh god, my heart. I am so, so, so sorry that your mother felt the need to leave that way. 💔
Thank you so much and it goes both ways! My inbox is always open.
So very sorry for your loss and pain.
Love and many hugs to you my friend.
Thank you so much, my darling. <3 I am so glad that you're part of my life and are my partner in darkness.
hughughug
I am so unsure where to go with this comment and feel so deeply a sense of loss and guilt, that is quite irrational.
I had seen @lauralemons on the platform from time to time but never latched on, and hadn't seen the posts about struggling with alcohol or I would have been trying to help.
I feel I could have helped too.
That why it hurts so much.
I want to try and reach out to you and have, to see if I can reach into your life and offer you something too.
If only I had of connected through you to @lauralemons...
but who knows, maybe nothing I could have said or done would have made any difference anyway.
I have been one degree of separation from dog knows how many suicides now.
I don't know what that is supposed to mean.
I reiterate the offer I have made to you on discord and in dm several times
I am there for you, and have something concrete to offer you
lol, and it's not god
in case you were thinking that
anyway, my commiserations for your loss, and I know that means didlysquat right now
Just that you took the time to stop by, read through and comment back shows you care and are supportive of stitch in this trying of times.
Much hat tip to you Sir Roo.
I hope you are not thinking back over the things you could have and didn't do and feeling regret.
Just think about the ones you did save and who they may have gone onto have a positive influence on.
Works for me.
<3
lol, I think the only ones I have saved so far have four legs @sammosk.
thanks for your kind words mate of mine.
U just quietly support your minnows and show the <3 :D
Thanks, spaingaroooooo!!!
thanks mate, I am chuffed to think you think that I help now. Maybe I do?
You might not say much, but every up-vote is encouraging :D
MANY have noticed! ;)
well shucks, thanks again.
I always feel like I never get to people's posts, and feel like a bad friend and follower, more often than a good one, so thanks for saying those nice things
First: Spain, I love ya. <3 Thank you for reaching out so much, and I am sorry that I haven't been in contact nearly as much as I should. I will work on that!
I understand the pain and guilt you feel, but I want you to try to eliminate that feeling, if you can. Or try to move on from it in a positive way.
One thing that I CAN say about my dear friend is that she could not be moved or swayed from her ways or thoughts easily. Which isn't really a bad thing, unless so much of their life is pain, negativity, and sadness. Which it was. Positive sentiments, encouragement, and advice did not go far with her, and that is okay. But it made it so hard to help her. And especially to save her from herself.
I have found that regret is one of the strongest, and at the same time, most futile feelings to experience. Please don't plague yourself with the could haves and should haves. Down that road lies madness. <3 <3 <3
no, in the end, I am pretty cool with it, and have mostly given up regrets.
Certainly this one is without true power, because I was still removed enough from the person, I only knew of her.
It's more her connection to you, it is insane to find myself only one person removed again, from someone who ended up there.
But believe me, thanks for noting and for caring.
I hope I can help you soon. I hope I can steer you towards external help, it's not really that I can do sweet fuck all, personally.
I just know some things that have helped me so much over these last few insane years.
I have a few tools in the old toolbox these days, and can get them out to knock people over the head with, that's all
haha
hope we talk at some point
I am stepping back just a bit from both steemit and discord, trying to get it to something not life and sanity threatening.
but you shout out and I am there
big hugs